Washington DC Mommy blogger

Girls & Boys on bullying, free-range vs. helicopter parenting & gender roles

September 26, 2011

Last week, I was fortunate to be invited to the Highlights Magazine press conference announcing the results of their annual State of the Kid Survey. As a kid, my grandfather always sent us subscriptions to Highlights Magazines and we loved them, especially those hidden pictures. Now, my Aunt purchases the magazine subscription for my girls every year, and the tradition continues, we still love looking through them – especially those hidden pictures. So when Highlights emails, I’m likely to respond, and then add in the chance to hear what they learned by polling kids ages 5 and up on issues like bullying, what their parents worry about, and what girls and boys are good at – bam – I am there and all ears.

So first topic: bullying. According to the survey results, 61% of children up to age 12 feel they have been bullied. Highlights dug a little deeper, however, and learned the younger kids define bullying pretty broadly as “being mean.” The older kids, ages 9 through 12, were more likely to define bullying also as unprovoked – in some of the kid’s own words to “hurt or embarrass for no reason.” Not surprisingly, children who had been bullied were also more likely to admit to bullying someone else. Interestingly, when asked how they handle being bullied, 14% said they tried to handle it themself instead of telling a parent or teacher, and boys were more likely to say they tried to bully that person back while girls tried to ignore them. One of the experts at the press conference, Deborah Holliday, a social worker from New Jersey and spokesperson for BullyAlarm.com, noted that the kids are much more likely to tell a teacher than their parent about the bullying behavior – and noted this is troubling because parents need to be actively involved in combating a bullying culture. As a parent of a child who just started Kindergarten, I obviously couldn’t agree with her more, but so far my struggle is getting my daughter to tell me anything about her day when she gets home from school. It’s like I need CIA training in interrogation to get any details. Typically she ” can’t remember,” so I’d be interested in more ideas on how parents can be involved when we are relying upon our tight lipped and exhausted kids to tell us.

Next children were asked what they think their parents worry about. An overwhelming 77% said their parents worry about them, which at least in my house, is certainly the case. Another common response was that their parents worry about money. In this age of the debate between helicopter parenting and free range kids, so many of them wrote about their parents worrying about their safety, them getting kidnapped and murdered and many of their written responses hinted at frustration that their parents aren’t giving them more freedom. In the press packet which included written statements by the kids themselves, one child wrote “They worry about me so much that I get worried about my freedom!” Aside from that being hilarious, it strikes a chord with me between allowing your child to play freely outside in contrast with posts on neighborhood listservs about cars driving slowly behind kids walking home from school and general paranoia from watching the news or one of these cop shows on TV. It also serves as a good reminder to me that these kids really are always listening and they are absorbing our worries and anxieties and to what end – does it help them realize the world isn’t a safety net for them or should we be more careful that there are listening ears around us at all times? Striking the balance between trusting them and giving them independence but keeping them safe must surely be a constant struggle.

And last but not least – the real reason I was eager to hear the results – gender roles.

If you find this acceptable, please stop reading my blog

Spoiler alert – as a mother of two girls – these results weigh very heavily on my heart. The Highlights press release summed it up with this statement: “The 30 questions Highlights asked kids over the last three years have included some surprising differences between boys and girls. In total, they suggested that girls are highly aware of their physical appearance and that affects their current and future vision of themselves and their opportunities.” Recall – we are talking about kids ages 5-12 here. In 2009, survey respondents said that girls are more likely to be asked to do chores than boys. In 2010, boys were more likely to say the best thing about them was their smarts. This year, there was a strong consensus that boys are better at sports than girls and sadly there was no real consensus on what girls are good at doing, the most common answers included hair/makeup (12%), cheerleading/gymnastics (10%), school (8%), cooking and cleaning (5%) and listening (3%).

I am speechless and disappointed and wish I wasn’t surprised. I’m also left wondering what I need to do as a parent to make sure my daughters answer with things like their athletic prowess and their intelligence. And I wonder if it’s about confidence – are we better at raising confident boys than confident girls? Is it a cultural problem as much as an issue of what we teach them at home and at school? Do we talk to girls dramatically differently than boys?

Again, if you bought this for your daughter, don't read my blog

Why is this happening? Surely cultural expectations are a problem if retailers like Forever 21 believe they can turn a profit off selling t shirts to girls with “Allergic to Algebra” as the slogan. Last week Anna Holmes had a wonderful column in the Washington Post about the grave need for girls to pursue careers in science and technology. She wrote: “According to a report released last month by the Department of Commerce, although females fill almost half of the jobs in the American economy, less than 25 percent of jobs in STEM fields are held by women. Even worse, female representation in the computer science and math sector — the largest of the four STEM components — has declined over the years, from 30 percent in 2000 to 27 in 2009.” (STEM being science, technology, engineering and math). Holmes goes on to make the case that the reason women aren’t pursuing careers in these fields begins at a very young age and she quotes an expert:

“We are back to the beauty versus brains saga, in which girls entering middle school feel forced to ask themselves, ‘Do I want to be smart in math, or do I want to be seen as attractive?’ ” says Jennifer Skaggs, a University of Kentucky education researcher and author of the June 2011 paper Making the Blind to See: Balancing STEM Identity With Gender Identity. “If a female is seen as technically competent, she is assumed to be socially incompetent. And it works the other way around.”

So what’s the answer? Talk more with our girls about math and science, work harder at encouraging them to pursue these fields? Spend more time talking with them about the importance of being smart and confident than how cute they look and what outfit they are wearing? What do you think?

1 Comment - Leave a comment!

Bullying, DC Parenting Blogger, Gender Roles, Girls v. Boys, Motherhood

Tales of Beatrix Potter at the Puppet Co.

September 25, 2011

By now you probably know that if there is a show at Glen Echo Park, at the Puppet Co. or Adventure Theatre, then I am going to go check it out with my girls. I am certain that Glen Echo Park is a real gem of Maryland and every production at its theatres is bound to be fun-filled for our kids. Last weekend, we hit the Puppet Co. for Applause Unlimited’s Tales of Beatrix Potter. Billed as appropriate for Pre-K through Grade 4, we hedged our bets and also brought our almost 3-year-old. The 45 minute show was filled with adorable puppets and enough physical comedy to keep the kids amused and entertained the whole time. We loved it!

Showing until October 9, The Tales of Beatrix Potter is a one-man show with a multitude of adorable animal puppets.

Jeremy Fisher the brightly-dressed Frog. Photo Credit: the Puppet Co.

The opening tale, “Two Bad Mice,” includes two rascally mice who wreak havoc on a young girl, Lucinda’s, playroom and doll house. My three-year-old was especially delighted with their antics and energy though all the children were enthralled with what trouble the playroom mice would find next. The second tale, “Jeremy Fisher,” introduces us to Jeremy Fisher the frog, dressed in bright red rain boots and rain coat, who takes us on his adventures fishing in the rain. And finally, we meet Jemima the duck who wants to lay her eggs in a safe warm place and, you might remember, chooses a fox’s den. The youngest children in the audience were beginning to fade off by the third tale, hence the Puppet Co’s labeling of this as age-appropriate for those closer to four, but we still were glad we brought our youngest. The younger ones might not absorb the final lesson of trust but they still delighted in the creative performance and story-telling.

Initially I was thinking this play might appeal mainly to young girls but in reality, that wasn’t the case at all. The colorful cast of animal puppets and the heavy reliance on physical comedy throughout the show makes this a great outing for boys and girls. Christopher Hudert is the sole puppeteer and actor in the play and his extensive experience in children’s theater, including many years as the Boss Clown for the Ringling Bros., is evident through his range of voices, pitch and easy ability to transition into different characters through the three tales.

Fan rushing Jemima Puddleduck post-performance

The Tales of Beatrix Potter is runs on Thursdays through Sundays and you have until October 9 to catch it, so I encourage parents with younger children to book their tickets today! Tickets are $10 and can be purchased online or by calling (301) 634-5380. The beloved carousel is still open at Glen Echo, in September it is open on Saturdays and Sundays from noon-6pm. Up next at the Puppet Co. is The 3 Billy Goats Gruff from October 13 – November 18.

Disclosure: the Puppet Co. gifted the tickets to me for this performance but my opinions here are my own.

3 Comments - Leave a comment!

DC Events with Kids, Puppet Shows for Kids

Re-Branding “Stay-At-Home Moms”

September 23, 2011

Sorry I didn’t have a chance to post yesterday, I was lucky enough to attend a press conference hosted by Highlights Magazine where they announced their annual State of the Kid survey (more on that next week because the results are fascinating and somewhat upsetting). So today, let’s get back onto our discussion of work-life choices and talk about stay-at-home moms. Earlier this week I threw out there that I really believe this label of “Stay-At-Home Mom” is extinct. Who is this person? I don’t know this person, do you know her?

I’m making the case that I think all of us are digital moms, whether we go to an office full-time or we don’t, we are bound to technology. It bleeds into our day, we work in spaces that seem unorthodox and counter-productive to work – like our cars waiting to pick kids up from school. Women who have quit their full-time job to “stay home” are doing so much work, some paid, some unpaid. Yet the label “SAHM” implies she is a dud, she doesn’t “do anything” and she probably wears mommy jeans.

Do they look like any moms you know? I didn't think so.

First, let’s talk about why women stop working full-time. I can speak for myself here. I wasn’t given any flexibility, I spent much of my time wondering why I was leaving my kids all day for that job, I wasn’t saving the world or curing infectious diseases, and I couldn’t reconcile how it was worth it. I was willing to risk “stepping out” and the financial security net that came with my job, to try something else. Prior to making this decision, however, I fell into a camp that said I couldn’t afford it. Ultimately what I realized was that was an excuse, not necessarily the entire truth. For several years, I wasn’t willing to give up a lifestyle, I was afraid of how I would fill my time, I was worried about my identity if I didn’t have the job. And until I was ready, I wasn’t sure I WANTED to be home. But it’s much easier to hide behind a financial reason than to tick off the list of what worries you. I wish more people would state the real reasons instead of using “I can’t really afford it” because many of us can afford it if we’re willing to make those tough decisions and I find it’s more helpful and constructive when I’m exploring my options when I’m honest with myself and my friends about my reasons.

So, now that the decision to stay home has been made, I’ve come to realize that the reasons why women stop working are never quite as simple as she wants to be home with her kids. I suspect the same is true for dads who stay home. The reasons are oversimplified in the media and in our quick labeling. But really, I think it’s a complicated and fascinating and important mix of factors: expense of childcare especially when you have more than one kid, career ennui (sweet scrabble word, right?), workplace that isn’t accommodating to the time demands that come with raising young children or seeking a different path in life. I think it would benefit all of us if we spent more time exploring the reasons WHY instead of just the sweeping generalization that career-focused and educated women are “opting out.” The WHY is the story and understanding the WHY might actually help impact some change in the workplace.

Which brings me to point number two – the digital mom – a woman who is likely seeking a different path in life. I was not surprised at all when I stumbled upon this Parenting article on today’s ~~“SAHM”~~ digital mom. Turns out many of these women are a growing mass in our country, a small army of 10.1 million women-owned businesses. Our preschool parking lot is crowded with these entrepreneurs. They are starting their own catering companies, their own party planning businesses, their own PR freelancing shops, their own at-home daycares, their own blogs that generate some income. These women are working and many of them are doing it without hiring babysitters and nannies. These woman are also volunteering for school boards and working in classrooms helping teachers and planning school functions. All of this might be a far cry from steady paychecks, healthcare benefits and 401k contributions, but these women inspire me. They are starting new careers, they are forging new paths and the message they are sending their children is not one of opting out and forgoing their education and experience to make brownies. They are teaching their children that there are many ways to earn money, to gain experience and to work. Just like the leap of faith we take in getting married or having kids, opting out of a secure career and paycheck, is nothing if not a leap of faith.

And I believe it’s technology, smart phones, the internet, social media and the blogosphere that is helping these women forge new paths in life.

Forging the new path isn’t necessarily easy or obvious when you stop working, however. Personally I have slowly stumbled upon my new path. I certainly didn’t leave my job with a plan. Earlier this week Samantha Ettus from Forbes sent me a link to her recent post on this subject and I think she hit on one fundamental challenge facing many women: keeping in touch with your contacts when you do quit work. The reality is when you have very young children, it’s difficult to find time to do anything but care for them. But suddenly the months blend together into years and the baby is off to preschool and kindergarten and we have more…TIME. The very thing that was so scarce for so many years is suddenly accessible. So keeping our relationships going through those foggy baby years really is critical to the “NOW WHAT” dilemma so many women face when the kids are suddenly in school and there’s time to be part of that 10.1 million women who are small-business owners and entrepreneurs. For me, it’s been as simple as keeping up with people on Facebook, occasional emails, holiday cards, coffee or happy hour mixed in – the trick has been just not going dark.

In the end, I think no matter what decision we make – whether it’s to remain working full-time, to cut back on our hours, or to walk away and figure out the “now what” later – I will at least keep telling myself that nothing is final, my needs and my kids needs continue to change with time, and if you believe in your decision and the consequences of your decision, then you will enjoy parenthood and your days so much more. The grass is really only ever greener when you’re not confident in what you’re doing.

1 Comment - Leave a comment!

Life with 2 kids, Moms/Entrepreneurs, Motherhood, Washington Mommy Blogger, Work, Work-Life Balance

Mirror Mirror on the Wall: I’m Totally Awesome

September 20, 2011

So yesterday I teased you with some research I’d done on moms. Let’s roll up our sleeves and talk about it a bit more. I’m totally channeling my inner-Oprah today…so emphasize certain words super dramatically when you read them and trust that I have my own list of favorite things that I’d love to give away…if someone would just send them to me already.

OK, so Pew Research announced some results back in 2008 that really disturbed me. Here’s the cliff-notes version: When asked to self-score themselves as parents, on a scale of 1-10, a mere 28 percent of full-time working moms gave themselves a score of 9 or 10. 41 percent of part-time working moms gave themselves a 9 or 10 and 43 percent of at-home moms gave themselves a 9 or 10.

Why all the self-flagellation people? What good does that do anyone? Sure, I don’t know the full questions asked but let’s just presuppose the question was “Are you an awesome mom?” Why did almost 60% of part-time or at-home moms and almost 80% of full-time working moms declare themselves as NOT awesome?

What good is that doing anyone?

This is what I think an issue is – not the “mommy wars” (remember we are all totally bad talking about you if you go around trashing working or at-home moms). Why are mothers so damn hard on themselves? And let’s stop using cultural influences as crutches here – Oh, it’s my Catholic guilt, oh, it’s my Jewish mother guilt.

Please…as my dad would say…don’t buy a ticket on that bus.

In a moment of brutal honesty, I will tell you that I have plenty of nights where I lay there and seriously worry – was I too distracted today, should I have done that puzzle with her again, did I leave the TV on for too long, did I bark at them too many times – and on and on and on. This isn’t good. We could drive ourselves insane reflecting on and doubting every decision we make all day long while the sweet cherubs have visions of Popsicles and pizza and Halloween costumes dancing through their heads all night long. And then roll yourself over when you are laying there fretting about the small stuff – what is your husband doing?

You think he's up all night worrying?

I thought so. Not a care in the world for old snore face.

So again – why the self-flagellation people? Why this quest for perfection? Why this insistence that we focus on all the areas that we fall short in the day instead of what we did that was super fun and awesome? How about all the stories you read for the 150th time, the lunches you lovingly packed, the 8th load of laundry you folded, the sweet frozen Trader Joes dinner you heated up? Why isn’t that all good enough?

I think that the quest for parenting perfection is laden with abuse, doubt and ultimately makes us worse parents, not better, because these kids can smell fear and insecurity and they know how to use it. It also enables you to be afraid of your kids because you are so worried about doing something wrong. Everyone responds better to confidence, kids, bosses and husbands included. Right? Am I Oprah or what?

I also think when we are riddled with doubt, we aren’t doing a good job of setting boundaries for ourselves. So many women lack the confidence to say “No” when someone asks them to do something and the more we agree to other things, the more it chips away at the time we have for what’s making us insecure – which is most likely to be our work or our children. I’m a big believer in setting boundaries and not attaching guilt or doubt to them. Do I really need to volunteer on another committee at school? Do I actually need to attend that work event this week or won’t it go on just fine without me so I can get home and see my kids? Draw the lines and proudly stand by them, I say.

And so, in my quest to ban all mommy guilt and mommy wars from our dialogue, I challenge you to give yourselves 9s and 10s the next time Pew comes a calling. Instead of getting all tangled up in our short-comings, let’s realize we all have them, and instead be proud of the kids and how great they are turning out. Tune in tomorrow for more totally fabulous work-life discussions and a little less Oprah. In the mean time, what do you think? Would you have given yourself a score of 9 or 10? Are we too hard on ourselves?

4 Comments - Leave a comment!

DC Parenting Blogger, Life with 2 kids, Motherhood, Washington Mommy Blogger, Work, Work-Life Balance