Home Births on the Rise

In April 2011, the news of an infant’s death during a home birth in Virginia, followed by the state charging the midwife, Karen Carr, for involuntary manslaughter generated press coverage for weeks. A look at the popular DC Urban Moms forum shows a 150 page thread on this topic alone (it was the second hottest topic on the site for all of 2011) that interestingly enough, began before the news hit the mainstream media. I don’t know about you but I was taken with the story in such a way that I actually have continued to read more stories about home births with greater interest.

Last January, new data released by the Centers for Disease Control showed that  births taking place outside a hospital, while still a very small percentage of total deliveries in this country, have risen, specifically among white women age 35 and above with more than one child at home already. Births outside a hospital account for about 30,000 births and among white women, the rate has increased 36 percent, or one in every 90 births. This marks the highest increase in home birth rates since at least 1990. Between 2003 and 2006, home births increased over 35 percent in Maryland alone, one of the largest increases in a state.

From writing about this topic for Washingtonian back in 2011 when the story broke, I learned quickly from the overwhelming comments that it is a lightening rod issue. Among proponents of home birth, empowerment and intervention free are used to describe why they made their choice. Among women who choose hospital deliveries, they say it’s about risk or rather, avoiding risk with the unknown. So if it’s risk versus empowerment – where does this leave the baby – is what I sought to examine more closely. Additionally, if more women are turning to out-of-hospital births, is this pointing to a hole in women’s health care, I wondered. In this current environment of attacking women’s healthcare and women’s choices for their own bodies, I wanted to explore this topic from every angle. Along the way, I discovered quite a bit.

First, I wondered, we hear generically about midwives but who are midwives and what are their qualifications to deliver a baby? If you need a license to drive a car, to practice medicine and to be an accountant, do you need a license to deliver babies?

Unfortunately the answer is complicated, murky and inconsistent because it depends on where you live and what kind of midwife you choose for your delivery.

If you think of the landscape of midwives as a hierarchy, which my guess is the midwives would object too, but if you structure the hierarchy in terms of education, at the top of the hierarchy I am placing the Certified Nurse Midwives or CNMs. These women have gone through nursing school, have Masters degrees, are nurses and also have gone to midwifery school. They have privileges to deliver babies in some hospitals, in birthing centers and can legally deliver babies at home. Stephanie Etienne, a licensed CNM in the state of New York, who delivers babies in a hospital, spoke with me at length about the various types of midwives and explained that midwifery is a calling for some people. “Birth is something so simple and so complicated but some of those risks are not decreased by being in a hospital.” She then went on to note that “Midwifery does not equal home births,” which I think is where many people easily get confused, I certainly did.

A CNM is not who delivered the much-discussed baby in April 2011. Karen Carr, the midwife who oversaw that delivery,  qualifies as the next level of midwife, the Certified Professional Midwife or CPM. This midwife undergoes training and course work to then receive her certification. To qualify as a CPM, you must have a high school diploma, finish a CPR course and attend a certain number of home births. Here is where it gets murky because though CPMs operate nationwide, only 26 states license CPMs. In our area, Virginia is the only one. In Maryland, CPMs can not legally deliver babies at home and same with the District of Columbia, where CPMs are not licensed.  The State House in Maryland took up a bill this past session, HB 1056, to license CPMs in Maryland but it did not move to the Senate.

The reality is, however, that CPMs are delivering babies at home, without the state recognized license, leaving no recourse in the event that something goes terribly wrong, and no insurance coverage for the families who choose this path.  By way of example, Karen Carr is a well-known Maryland midwife but she faced prosecution because she delivered the baby in Virginia without a Virginia license. Note that she is well-known despite the fact that she is operating without a state acknowledged license from Maryland.

I reached out to the Midwives Alliance of North America (MANA), the association for home birth midwives, to inquire about the differences among the states, the process for insurance coverage and how CPMs are accessing medication, including oxygen, in the event it’s necessary, if they are not operating legally, for example, in the state of Maryland.  This organization is very skittish about speaking publicly to the media. Susan Moray, a press officer from MANA noted in an email response that it is an underground business and CPMs likely access medicine and oxygen to use, in the event it’s necessary, from “sympathetic colleagues.” When I questioned the patchwork of state regulations of CPMs, Susan responded: “Generally it isn’t states that fight it, but medical and nursing associations who do not understand (or feel competitive with) the profession, safety records, cost savings.  They often state that women can access a midwife in the hospital, not understanding, having never attended one, the vast difference between institutional  and out-of-hospital birth.” In the end, I can’t help but wonder if the state of Maryland is achieving its goal of protecting mothers and babies by not licensing CPMs because the midwives are still operating right out in the open, regardless of the law.

In my metaphorical hierarchy of midwives, there are still more layers beneath the CPMs and I have absolutely no qualms questioning their right to deliver babies without legal consequences. The Direct Entry Midwife, for example, merely has to observe births to then call herself a midwife. Again, I harken back to needing a license to drive a car or file a company’s taxes but not to deliver a baby? Only the first two layers of midwives, the CNMs and, in some states, CPMs, are legally recognized.

Moving on to exploring why there is an increase in out-of-hospital deliveries. Because this issue is so polarizing among women, the reality is this: Whether you agree with someone’s decision to deliver a baby outside a hospital or not, women have that choice. What I wanted to find out was this: If she is choosing a location beyond a hospital, what are her options in the DC area? Beyond options, what are the various outcomes that should be considered, as unpleasant as they might be, when choosing to deliver outside of a hospital.

Birthing centers give a woman an intervention-free delivery but keep her close to the technological advances made possible with a hospital. Typically  CNMs work in birthing centers and often they have a relationship with an obstetrician in the event a transfer to a hospital is necessary. Unfortunately, the number of birthing centers around the beltway have dwindled.   In 2007 Takoma Women’s Health Center in Takoma Park and Maternity Care in Bethesda both closed down. The Takoma Women’s Health Center had been serving the needs of women for 20 years and Maternity Care in Bethesda had been open for 25 years. Many of the women who would have previously gone to these birthing centers now use midwives who can deliver at Shady Grove Adventist hospital in Rockville.

In the entire state of Maryland, for example, there is just one birthing center, Special Beginnings, in Ann Arundel county. For a woman living say in Frederick, or even western Montgomery County, to travel to Ann Arundel county is hardly convenient or close in the event of an emergency. In the District, Family Health and Birth Center opened in Northeast DC in 2000 and is well-regarded, particularly for servicing women in a low-income area. Two midwives in the District are known for delivering babies at Washington Hospital Center, Providence Hospital and Sibley Hospital. And BirthCare & Women’s Health in Alexandria is free-standing birth center option in Northern Virginia. This particular center turned down the family who later hired Karen Carr to deliver their baby at home because the baby was in a breech position. When BirthCare opened its doors twenty years ago,  it assisted about 10 deliveries monthly. Today those numbers have risen to nearly 30 births a month.

The question remains, however,  if there is a rise among those who are choosing out-of-hospital births, yet birthing centers have closed down and fewer are available in a major metropolitan region, is it time to focus more on safe delivery options beyond hospitals, when no one can argue whether or not life is about to emerge into this world?

One of the most common reasons for not wanting hospital births among home birth proponents is the increasing C-section rates. In fact, Jessica Groves, a home birth advocate directed to me by MANA and President of the Maryland Friends of Midwives organization, stated clearly that “birth is a business and C-sections make money.”

To respond to this commonly held belief, I turned to Dr. Michele Hakakha, co-author of Expecting 411. She said “a hospital can’t do anything to you, your doctor has to give an order first and you always have the last say.” She went on to explain that when searching for the right doctor, the better questions to ask are to find out their philosophy on labor and delivery, inquire if you can be mobile during labor, and if you can be in a birthing position comfortable to you.

As I waded deeper into the debate about home births,  I read that many believe that birth is not a medical event, therefore it doesn’t require intervention, especially among those who are low-risk. Because we all learn quickly that anything can happen in a delivery, I asked Dr. Hakakha if we can rightfully ever label ourselves low risk. She said “there is no way to predict in ‘low-risk women’ who will have a catastrophic complication and who won’t. Many don’t consider delivering a child a ‘medical procedure’ but it becomes one when things are out of the ordinary.”

Groves repeated several times, however, that midwives are trained to recognize when things are going wrong and are not afraid to tell a mother that a transfer has become  necessary. She noted the transfer rate in Maryland hovers around five percent.

In terms of the argument among home birthing proponents that C-sections are all too common, what is frequently left out of this argument are the reasons why C-sections have increased in this country: the increasing age of women getting pregnant leads to higher rates of multiples and higher risk for complications during labor. Dr. Hakakha pointed out that in 1970, one in 100 women having a baby was over the age of 35. Today, it is one in seven. She explained that asking a doctor what percentage of their deliveries are C-sections is not a good question because that practitioner may deliver a lot of high-risk patients.

So how about babies? No matter where you plan to deliver, certainly everyone agrees that a successful delivery is about a healthy mother and a healthy baby.  What does a pediatrician think about delivering babies at home, I wondered. Despite the skepticism out there towards obstetricians, it’s rare to hear of skepticism towards pediatricians. I turned to Dr. Ari Brown, a pediatrician who co-authored Expecting 411 with Dr. Hakakha. I asked for her perspective on home births, from the vantage point of delivering a healthy baby. “Most normal pregnancies lead to normal deliveries but there are just some unpredictable things that can happen and those situations have better outcomes in a place equipped to handle them – not just the practitioner on hand but medications, oxygen, ventilator equipment, access to an operating room for an emergency C-section,” she said. “Even in a low risk pregnancy, shoulder dystocia can happen, which means the baby’s shoulders get wedged in the birth canal and without immediate delivery, it can lead to stillbirth or brain damage. Placenta abruption happens in 1 in 150 births. In this case, the baby doesn’t get oxygen and it can lead to stillbirth or permanent brain damage. Two other risks are meconium aspiration where the fetus gets stressed in the womb and poops (meconium) before birth. That meconium is at risk for entering the lungs. Finally, cord compression or cord prolapse where the umbilical cord cannot send blood and oxygen to the fetus prior to birth as it gets stuck either from a baby’s abnormal presentation (ie. breech, transverse or shoulder dystocia), again leading to lack of oxygen and potential brain damage and death,” she explained.

Why is being close to a hospital so critical in the event something starts to go terribly wrong was my next question and Dr. Brown summed it up concisely when she remarked “it’s about the first five minutes of life because of oxygen.” Here’s where my own aversion to risk plays in, as you think about what midwives are legally allowed to administer, depending on which level midwife you choose and what state you are delivering. In Maryland and the District, CPMs are not legally permitted to carry and administer oxygen. In Virginia, they are legally permitted because they are licensed. “If a newborn is deprived of oxygen in those first critical minutes, death or permanent brain damage can occur. If you are in a location during childbirth that is not equipped for those situations, you are gambling on you and your baby’s life,” said Dr. Brown.

For mothers looking to make a choice on where to deliver and weighing the risk of infant mortality, an American Journal of Obstetrics & Gynecology analysis shows that home births result in a neonatal death rate at least twice as high as that of planned hospital births. Neonatal death occurred less than once in 1,000 hospital births, compared with two in 1,000 home births.

If we have among the most advanced technology available in hospitals and highly trained medical professionals available to deliver babies, and the facts show us that the risk for infant mortality is higher in home births, then why are more women choosing to deliver outside a hospital, particularly educated white women? Women who have the means and the access to utilize technology and scientific advancements. Women who likely have iPhones in their pockets and utilize technological advancements every day in their daily routines?

The answer can be as simple as the level of care so many have received from traditional doctors. And I understand that. After I had my first baby, as soon as she was delivered, I didn’t see the doctor who delivered her again until my six-week check up. The first time I met this particular doctor was coincidentally, days before I went into labor, because I selected a large practice with a dozen obstetricians, which meant you roll the dice with which doctor would be on call when you go into labor and it certainly didn’t afford me the opportunity to develop a personal relationship with my doctor. Recently, I experienced my first root canal and heading into it, I sarcastically wondered if it would be worse than child-birth. In the end, it turned out I had a highly infected tooth and the pain and dental visits stretched out over ten days. During that period of time, my regular dentist and my endodentist called me at home, practically every night, with sympathy and out of concern. I knew where each would be over the course of a weekend, including specifically what time one would be unavailable because his son was graduating from college. I was stunned. I kept wondering – how did I deliver not just one but two babies in this town and never once experienced anything as personal, attentive and caring as my experience with two male dentists? Could they deliver my third, should I go on to have a third child, I even wondered in a flash.

No wonder women are turned off, I thought. Specifically,  no wonder educated women with the means and the resources are willing to spend time on the phone with insurance companies, learning what they will or will not cover with a midwife assisted birth and research different birthing options, because they are interested in a more personalized, intimate healthcare model based on women’s empowerment and respect for a woman’s body. Even Dr. Hakakha noted “I believe that part of the problem stems from our historically paternalistic approach to medicine. There has often been the feeling, by both doctors and patients, that the doctor decides and the patient listens, agrees and doesn’t question. I believe that women today are looking for much more. We want to be educated, active participants in our healthcare and simply sitting in a room and being told what to do isn’t good enough anymore, especially as it pertains to childbirth.”

So where does that leave the pregnant woman?

It leaves her with the privilege of options and hopefully an open mind to research where is the safest, smartest place not just for her but for her baby, when it’s time to deliver. Unfortunately if she lives in DC, it leaves her with very limited choices for birthing centers.

Like the Wired Momma Facebook page to keep up with this topic and the commentary. I look forward to hearing what others think!

Review of Disney on Ice Rockin’ Ever After

If your weekend plans aren’t jam-packed, I’d suggest you head to the Patriot Center and Be A Guest of Belle, the beast, Merida and the other fabulous characters in this year’s Disney on Ice Rockin’ Ever After performance. I attended the performance yesterday morning and it was delightful. In all honesty, I thought it was the best one they’ve had in a few years.

But first, a gripe. To the genius who thought hosting a Presidential campaign event starring President Obama himself at the same time and location as the Disney on Ice event, I think you ought to be fired. Particularly because these events let out at the same time, onto a two lane road with traffic lights not coordinated. We departed my house at 9:20am for the 10:30am performance. We got home at 2:45pm. The irony – I switched our tickets to the Friday morning show because it was a no-school day in Montgomery County and I thought it would be really nice to avoid rush hour traffic getting to the Patriot Center and to take the girls to an earlier show because it does run a full two hours and anyone who has read my past reviews knows that a common gripe of mine is it’s too late by the time it ends, if you hit an evening performance, particularly because this show is popular among the 3 and 4-year-old crowd. They typically can’t party until 9:30pm without drama, save for maybe Suri Cruise.

Sebastian during the show

Now to the show. Unfortunately we missed the first 10 minutes (thanks to the lack of parking for Patriot Center goers due to the campaign event, many people were still trickling in well after intermission because of the horror scene that was parking), so I don’t know how it opens but I do know Ariel is the first princess in the show line-up. I am a huge sucker for big scenes with lots of colorful costumes and spectacular dancing and the Disney on Ice Rockin’ Ever After version of “Under the Sea” knocked it out of the park. Some of the fish costumes were glowing, I marveled over how difficult it must be to skate as Sebastian, and the starfish costumes were outstanding. Also, I love a Disney princess nemesis and the Ariel portion of the show included none other than my beloved Ursula, whose costume absolutely did not disappoint. Again, I thought skating as Sebastian would be difficult, how about skating as Ursula, between her octopus arms and her girth?

#Remarkable.

Lanterns ready to be raised during the Rapunzel portion of the show

Next the show moves into Tangled, with Mickey and Goofy coming onto the ice in between acts, which is of course, a crowd pleaser for the youngest theater goers among us. The viking scene that opens the Rapunzel act was energetic and fun. Back to my fascination with skating in difficult costumes, how many people are Maximus the horse? It seems it would be two people but again, imagine the coordination and practice required to pull that off so elegantly. The lantern scene was absolutely beautiful which my iPhone picture here does no justice conveying.

After Tangled comes every parent’s least favorite part of the event, intermission, otherwise known as the 15 minutes you get to argue with your child on why you aren’t spending $30 on a Disney doll, how they should be grateful and thankful to be attending the show, and you aren’t spending $12 on 3 ounces of popcorn.

#ILoatheIntermission

The opening princess after intermission was THE event my youngest had been waiting for since she first laid eyes on the promotional postcard for the show way back in August: Merida. Despite making me leave the movie about 10 minutes before it ended because she was terrified, Merida remains her new favorite princess and with each act during the show, she kept asking “Where is Merida, when is she coming?”

Merida’s red-headed brothers

At long last, the wait was over. Merida in her fabulous long red curly hair came skating onto ice, and all was right in the world for the youngest Wired Momma’ette. Personally, I love the triplets in the movie and enjoyed them equally as much during the show. I was curious how they would handle three young boys for the show and sure enough, they had them as characters attached to barrels that moved around the stage. The Scottish kilts and make up on the opposing tribes and sons seeking Merida’s hand in marriage was so creatively done. In the end, we were all a little disappointed the Merida portion of the show was the shortest portion. One friend wondered if it was because there weren’t as many big musical scenes in the movie? I was really hoping for a few big bears and a longer stage presence from Merida. Maybe next year, Disney on Ice? But leaving us wanting more is never a bad thing in the arts, so it was a job well done.

As we were rounding 90 minutes after the Merida portion, I mistakenly thought the show was about to wrap, but think again – Belle is the final act. Cue my confession of loving large, singing and dancing scenes, and you better believe I was in heaven during their rendition of “Be Our Guest,” which really was made for live theater, what with the dancing forks, Lumiere and Cogsworth. My eldest loved chip and the fact that you could even seen bubbles from the tea on top of his teacup. I loved the dancing forks. I love the dancing forks in every live version I have ever seen. Show me something glittery, something gold, something happy and dancing in unison, and I am sold.

#ILoveDancingForks

See those dancing gold happy forks in the background? #LoveThem

 

As you would expect in any Disney production, although Disney on Ice is a Feld Entertainment production, the grand finale is just that – grande. Think lights, think characters, think singing and dancing and some odd 80s costumes and lights, and every kid was on her feet, dancing and waving. They always do a great finale at Disney. My youngest and her friend were on their feet, clapping and dancing away, with my youngest exclaiming “I LOVE waving at Merida. I LOVE Merida!”

Cue to her having another epic meltdown in the hall as I held strong and REFUSED to drop $30 on the Merida doll on my way out the door….and I wondered why she must ruin an otherwise great two-hour production.

Oh wait, was that or was it the EPIC TRAFFIC trying to get off campus that was going to damper our day?

You decide.

Bottom line – if you have some extra time this weekend, I would encourage you hit the Patriot Center for the final shows of Disney on Ice Rockin’ Ever After. If you miss it this weekend, you can catch it in Baltimore starting this Wednesday October 24 through Sunday October 28. You can purchase tickets for this weekend’s performances at the Patriot Center here. Shows are at 10:30, 2:30 and 6:30pm on Saturday or 12:30 and 4:30 on Sunday.

Disclosure: Feld Entertainment gifted the tickets to me for the performance but my opinions here are my own.

Searching for Music Class?

Today’s post is for anyone with a baby or a toddler who has winter on the brain.

Today’s post is for anyone who can see the reliability of their daily visits to the park or afternoon walks coming to a close.

Kidville Musicians and the Puppet for the Rockin' Railroad class. Photo Credit: Kidville

I don’t know about you but chez moi, this is typically the time of year I start to think about indoor activities and what I’m going to do in the event of a cold rainy wintry day. I literally cannot stand being stuck inside so I have this habit of looking to indoor classes with my kids. Last winter and spring me and the youngest Wired Momma’ette tried out the 16 week Rockin’ Railroad music class at Kidville in Bethesda.

Now, this was not my first rodeo. I’d taken my older one to several different music classes around Montgomery County when she was a baby and a toddler. Then #2 came along and I enrolled her in a few, with a brief break when she was about 18 months old because she spent the entire time as an escape artist, trying to just leave. It wasn’t fun.

So last year she was freshly turned three and the time was right for a fun music class one day a week. By then I knew she actually enjoyed music and would likely participate in a music class. While I initially had some sticker shock at the higher price of the 45-minute Kidville music class, which runs $385 for 16 weeks, once I experienced the difference of a music class with a LIVE BAND versus a CD player, I suddenly understood.

It was actually really fun. There is just something about live music, even when you’re not sitting at a restaurant in the Caribbean ocean side, enjoying a mojito with your husband. Even without all that, live music is still fun, for the kids and for the adults.

The Rockin’ Railroad class is themed around taking the kids to a different musical destination each week. The format is such that it breaks up the monotony of just sitting in mom’s lap and trying out a new musical instrument. The kids mimic the movement of a train as they travel to  learn about music from different genres and learn about the instruments that are known in that genre. Each week they are joined by puppets and they always visit puppet Grandma, who it seems knows every musical celebrity out there and has a comical story about the time she met Beyoncé and Jay-Z, for example. (Recall, from earlier this week, I am pretty sure I birthed Beyoncé).

The musicians in the band are all young and adept at working with kids, absolutely flexible when the little ones are having an off day or not exactly focused on the musical lessons at hand. In fact, each week I almost marveled over how these young musicians seemed to genuinely enjoy being there, performing for these little tykes, never once did they have an “off” day or seem disinterested in the task at hand.

Those amazing bubbles..too bad the bubble machine isn't for sale! Photo Credit: Kidville

As the kids travel through different time periods on the rockin’ railroad, learning about pitch and instruments, they are given chances to try out the instruments….drum circle has been my youngest’s favorite since the time she could coordinate banging her hands on something to now….and then they wrap the class with probably the coolest bubble machine I’ve ever seen. In fact, I tried to buy this bubble blower because it makes such great, consistent bubbles, and the kids delight in running around chasing them all, but unfortunately it’s not for sale.

Bottom line, if you are looking for a fun, interactive, indoor activity to help you and your little ones break up cold winter days, then I urge you to try out the Rockin’ Railroad class at Kidville in Bethesda. The other fun thing was then we were already parked in Bethesda and could hit the close by park, or head over to the kids book section of Barnes & Noble, with a stop at Paper Source. The class is broken up by ages, starting with 0-6 months and reaches all the way up to 5-year-olds. If music isn’t your thing, I’d encourage you to check out the plentiful class options at Kidville because the facility is lovely, very clean and broken up into several different rooms perfectly suited to appeal to the youngest around us.  Joining a class also gives you these benefits:

One complimentary pass at your home facility for our supervised state-of-the-art indoor playspace
  • One “bring a friend” guest pass for our supervised playspace
  • $50 off Kidville Birthday Parties
  • 5% discount at Kidville Boutiques worldwide
  • 5% discount at Kidville Salons worldwide
  • Multiple class discount: Register before 1st day of the semester and get $50 off each additional class at your home facility
  • Disclosure: Kidville gifted the class to me but my opinions here are all my own.

    Mean (Little) Girls Already?

    I have a first grader. So far, knock wood, she hasn’t yet experienced mean girl behavior – at least to my knowledge – and I assure you, I probe for this type of stuff. Part of the reason I poke and prod for it is because I have many friends who also have first graders and Kindergarteners and I hear them worrying about mean girl behavior at their daughter’s school. Part of me can’t believe this stuff is happening already.

    So my litmus test is always my mom. This is a woman who raised four girls so she ought to know something about mean girl behavior and if it’s crazy that it’s starting so young. She seemed not surprised when I asked if it seems early to be happening at this age and she quickly relayed a story of me being jerked around in about the first grade, she witnessed it first hand, and I seemed blissfully unaware that I was being jerked around at the time while my mom’s head was ready to blow off her neck.

    As I was mulling about what the best approach is for a parent to take in these situations and wondered how my friends might handle it, I stumbled upon a Babble article that my friend and local parenting coach, Meghan Leahy, posted on her Facebook page. The entire piece was about young mean girls – when it hit me – OF COURSE – it’s time to ask Meghan for some tips on handling mean little girls. Right?

    Right.

    If you recall, Meghan has made some pretty amazing cameo appearances here on WM with excellent advice for parents, like on raising balanced kids and having some much needed perspective. So today, we’re talking with her about how best to help your child but not hinder them when they are facing down some mean girl behavior and more importantly – not make something a bigger deal. I also really wanted to know – is this “Normal” and age appropriate behavior from kids as young as 4 and 5 up to 7 and 8 years old? So let’s get started with Meghan:

    WM: Again, back to my mom, she’s frequently heard reminding me that if I don’t make a big deal out of something, my kids won’t make a big deal out of it. My instinct is – given the young age of these kids – does this same philosophy apply to Mean Girl behavior? How can parents best guide and respond to our young elementary school age kids when they are facing mean girl like behavior at school?  And more importantly – how do we guide but not helicopter parent and not get too involved???

    Meghan Leahy Parent Coach:

    Have little girls (ages 3-7) become “bullies” or “meaner” than they used to be?  I clearly remember girls being incredibly unkind and even bullying (myself, included), but to be honest, I know these memories are from middle school.  Four, five, six years old?  It feels like girls are meaner these days, but doesn’t that sound like everything an older generation says?  “Parents are more lazy,” or “kids are so ill-behaved nowadays”, and “everything is going to hell-in-a-hand basket these days.”  And now the epidemic of bullying is trickling down to four-year-old girls?  My first impulse is to roll my eyes.

    But…

    My own child had such a horrible “friend” in PreK that is was all I could do to not throttle the other kid, as well as send daughter and myself to therapy.  It felt like bullying, but I knew better.  Bullying is more systemic, more targeted, and more deliberate…not something four-year-old children normally do.  I didn’t know what I was dealing with five years ago, but I knew I had to coach my daughter through the experience, a friendship was truly hurt (between two families), and I was left feeling like, “Whoa…what was that all about?”

    My “regular mom” reaction is to say, “Stop overreacting!  Kids are kids!  They usually work out their little tussles!”  But we aren’t talking about “little tussles,” are we?  We are talking about little girls and some truly mean behaviors.  Is it bullying?  Not exactly, but the parent coach in me knows that we cannot turn our back on these little girls!

    So, for extra tips and ideas, I turned to an excellent book called, Little Girls Can Be Mean by Michelle Anthony, PhD and Reyna Lindert, PhD.  In a world of middle and high school bullying books, Little Girls Can Be Mean is a great resource for the befuddled parent of little girls.  Easy-to-read, sensible, and to the point, this book should be on your bookshelf.

    Here are some crucial tips from the book (and me!) for the worried parents of little girls:

    • Boys get more attention because their “mean” behaviors are typically more violent. Parents and teachers alike are pretty well equipped to step into the boy fights, but the girl’s meanness?  It appears to be met with a shrug, an eye-roll, and a “girls will girls” kind of attitude.  Sometimes leaving the girls alone is the answer, but not always.  Girls need boundaries, too!
    • Meanness in little girls is NOT (technically) bullying, and it is going to happen…no matter what you do.  Human development specialists and psychologists agree that children, starting as early as three, will strive to belong to groups, and some of that belonging takes the form of excluding others.  It begins with simple phrasing, “I don’t want to play with you today,” and can turn into the creation of clubs and groups in which everyone is included but one or two girls.  Sounds pretty mean, right?  But even the best helicopter parenting, controlling of friends, and best schools will not completely stop this from happening. So, with that in mind…

    • You can truly intervene (with some great results) at these early ages. Children are not fully “bullies” or “being bullied” quite yet…so stepping in with some tools can help!

    Some of these tools are:

    • Building an empathic listening relationship and simply being aware. Rather than telling your child what to do and how to feel, simply listen to her.  Listen and become aware of patterns…is she always talking about a certain friend or situation?  Rather than telling her to just ignore the friend, get quiet and listen.
    • Help her create solutions. Obviously, how you are going to speak to a four-year old is going to be very different from how you speak to a six-year-old, but helping to create solutions sounds like role-modeling, pointing out the other friends who are nice your daughter, how to find help in school (counselors and teachers), and finding ways to bring everybody into the play.
    • Cultivate a strong family value around meanness and the behaviors associated with it. Let your girls clearly know what is acceptable and what is not.  Parents often assume that their girls know what is appropriate and what isn’t, or that little girls know how to be good friends.  Oftentimes, though, girls of all ages need role modeling, direct messages, and strong examples.  Having family conversations while watching tv, reading books together, or seeing behaviors out in the world will help drive home your family values and cultivate listening within the whole family.  Again, belonging is hard-wired into humans, but our culture is rife with meanness right now, from the reality shows to the programming for kids.  Are little girls meaner earlier?  Yes, I think sometimes they are…but I believe that is the symptom, not the problem.
    • As much as you can, parents should try to resist becoming involved in the “she said/she said” of little girl meanness.  There is always the caveat of if you feel like your child is in danger or is showing behaviors that alarm you, please seek professional help.  Otherwise, a parent should be wary of managing the fights and taking sides.  Taking sides and fighting your little girl’s battles does not help her for the future, doesn’t teach her how to solve her problems, and it doesn’t it create new solutions for the girl to rely on in her future.  And, like sibling arguments, you are never really totally sure who is at fault in the retelling of the story, so taking sides is often futile.
    • Most importantly, helping your young daughter learn how to be a good friend and handle mean behaviors (NOW) will help her in the future. Helping your little girl to tap into her good judgment, her empathy, and creative solutions will more likely result in a young woman who is not bullied (or bullies others!)

    Back to WM: Thanks for these tips Meghan, and the guidance. I really appreciate the book advice, I will certainly be adding it to my next Amazon shopping cart. It sounds like Meghan is advising the very thing that is hardest for me, anyway, to do – which is to be quiet and LISTEN and also – to not rush in and try to fix things. I mean, that’s your instinct as a parent – right – especially when your child is hurt – but I think the distinction that it’s not helping them to learn how to navigate in this world is an important reminder, at least for me. Thank you Meghan!

    For more great advice from Meghan, be sure to follow her on Facebook or her amazing web site, Positively Parenting, or on her resourceful blog for Discovery.  And as always, I hope you’ll join the super fly WM community by hitting “Like” on my Wired Momma FB page (seriously – I am FOUR away from a sweet nice round fabulous number…FOUR people….aren’t there four of you who Like moi?). If not, you’re totally missing out, yo.