As my regular readers know, we spend a great deal of time on my blog talking about work-life “balance.” Yesterday afternoon at 5:30pm eastern, I appeared on Huffington Post LIVE as part of a round-table discussion about work-life “balance.”

Screen grab of me running my mouth on HufffPost Live yesterday

The irony of having to go on TV to talk about the difficulties with balancing work and life — at the worst possible time of day for any parent – DINNER TIME – wasn’t lost on me. And as anyone could have guessed, it wasn’t lost on my extremely grumpy and tired four-year-old. Despite asking her fav teenage babysitter to come over for an hour so I could prepare (read: actually brush my hair and put on some make up) and participate in this interview without screaming, fighting children – it didn’t work out that way. Seconds before the segment was supposed to start, my four-year old’s screams were bouncing through the house and she quickly surmised that I was still home and the only human being on the planet who could fulfill her needs, which obviously had to be fulfilled immediately, were none other than MOMMY.

Our sweet babysitter looked so stressed and worried because she knew her whole reason for being there was well – so that this wouldn’t happen – but isn’t this Murphy’s Law for Parents? I decided instead of being stressed out about it and fretting and worrying that everyone would hear her crying by the door, I just brought her in and put her on my lap. I figured, if they want to have a conversation about work-life balance – well here it is, right?

My little one was actually pretty good and sat quietly through most of the 30 minute segment (sporadically asking me to stop talking to the computer and put on her Cinderella tattoo), meanwhile I was receiving texts from friends who were cracking up that she was totally photobombing the segment. As the main expert was talking about the need to create time for yourself and manage the work-life balance, she actually advised people who work from home to just shut their door.

Ummm…….

Right.

At that moment I had to chime in and point out that I do work from home, and I did shut my door, and I also hired my girls’ favorite teenage babysitter to play with them so I could technically work uninterrupted, and yet, surprise – and I showed anyone who was watching my youngest sitting there on my lap. Beyond that point, you could see the top of her head the entire time. Look – the point is this – the best laid plans rarely work out when you have kids and well, work life balance is elusive for all of us, whether you head into an office full-time, you work from home, you work part-time – it is all difficult – and the technology bleed into our lives feeds into that difficulty. Here’s the link again if you want to watch the piece that ran yesterday.

In order to prepare for the interview, aside from knowing that I actually think work-life “balance” is the entirely wrong way to think about it and instead think of it as work-life choices, I put together a list of some of the most recent conversations we’ve had about the topic – to collect my thoughts. If you’re new to my blog or haven’t yet seen some of these, below is a smattering of some of my favorite posts on the subject matter at hand, which frankly is a challenge we all face and something I could talk about all day long. Marissa  Mayer has been one of my most favorite working moms to spark healthy debate around the challenges facing all of us.

Just last week, we talked about the stagnating rate of women in the workforce in America as compared to Europeans, in large part because of our failure to offer federally mandated paid paternity leave or wide-scale support of flexible hours for working parents. If you’re unfamiliar with the progressive laws in Europe designed to protect and help parents with young children or how we stack up in comparison, this piece should shed some light on the topic.

Moving on to the next topic: Ahh…Marissa Mayer….how you keep things interesting for us. In case you missed Mayer’s quip about how having a baby was “Easy”, I discussed it….at length…but brought in a friend who is more balanced than moi to counter point some of my points. The biggest question these conversations tend to spark, beyond is it fair to make Mayer the poster woman for working moms in America, is, is it anti-woman to criticize another working mom, or is it productive and helpful?

Next topic – control. Earlier this fall, a high powered female attorney at the DC law firm Clifford Chance abruptly quit her job via a memo that, from my perspective, was shrill and dripping in martyrdom, detailing the challenges she faces every day managing a demanding career and two small children. This memo spread like wild fire across the internet and again, sparked endless conversations. I believe all of these things are good and helpful because they continue to bring more attention to this simple fact: balancing work and family is hard as hell and none of us are alone in the struggle. That being said, I approached this particular story with the perspective that too many women try to control everything and fail to remember they have a partner in this daily challenge who can, and should, be participating in making it all possible. So read this piece if you find yourself leaving lists for your husband and managing every single thing in the house hold, along with a job, and usually a chip on your shoulder that your husband doesn’t do anything.

As I’ve mentioned before, I could talk about this all day, and well, have been for years. So instead, because you have other things to do, I offer this link to my reaction to Anne-Marie Slaughter’s now famous piece on Mothers Having It All.

In the meantime, I hope you’ll join me on my Facebook page, where we have fun and laugh and talk about more than just work-life balance – but somehow the road leads back there even when I’m not looking for it, usually that road includes a child on my lap interrupting my thoughts…..

Late last week was the first we’ve heard from Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer since she had her baby two months ago and between her comments that it’s all she’s going to say and now she’s going back to being silent…and the reaction to her few statements….my guess is this – unfortunately it’s probably going to be a while before she says much about motherhood and managing her career. In case you missed it, and hey, I missed the official confirmation that Princess Kate is actually pregnant, so no one is judging you if you missed it – here’s what Mayer said:

“The baby’s been way easier than everyone made it out to be. I think I’ve been really lucky that way but I had a very easy, healthy pregnancy. He’s been easy. So those have been the two really terrific surprises: the kid has been easier and the job has been fun!” Mayer said.

And if you were wondering, or thought she’d change her mind, she did go back to work after a two-week maternity leave.

So do you have a reaction? Do you wince when you read her happy commentary on her easy baby or do you feel a sisterhood cheer for her that she’s able to have an easy baby and be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company? Do you think her comments do nothing to support working women who struggle to return to work with a NOT easy baby or who are fighting for a longer maternity leave? Or do you think our job as women is to support working women, in particular high-profile ones who at least generate headlines on important issues facing parents in America, no matter if you actually agree with what they are saying?

Look, anyone who regularly reads my blog knows two things about me: I have VERY strong opinions and I believe work-life issues are one of the most important and interesting things to discuss here – so there’s no way I’m not responding to the Mayer comments. However, I made a feeble attempt to post the article link to her few sentences on the WM FB page without offering an opinion, and quickly received very interesting responses from other readers – so we need to dig deeper on this one. And for that, to help balance out this topic, I turned to my friend, Valerie Young, Advocacy Coordinator of the National Association of Mother’s Centers, who blogs on the intersection of motherhood and public policy as Your (Wo)Man in Washington. Valerie’s job focuses on public policy and issues facing working mothers and I’ve noticed on Facebook, in particular, not only does she post extremely interesting article links but she’s always incredibly neutral in comparison to, well, moi. So there couldn’t be a better person to join me in this discussion of Marissa Mayer and her recent public comments.

First, personally, I winced when I read her statement about her easy baby. Those words seem almost incendiary to me and like something a savvy business person doesn’t say…particularly from my perspective as a  PR person…..I would think her Communications Department would have prepared her for the importance of every single thing she says on motherhood (well, obviously on anything) and to keep it neutral. I really believe that part of what keeps women glued together in motherhood is a sense of camaraderie, even if you don’t always mean it, and a comment along the lines of “I’m adjusting and I’m lucky to have such great help and support during this time” would have still been positive but to associate the words “easy” with motherhood, particularly in the first two months, is frankly, obnoxious. And allow me to be blunt and take it one step further, especially when you are a woman with tremendous means. There are millions of women struggling to pay bills, who have to go to work or they will lose their jobs or who are single mothers – there is nothing easy for them. But if you are the leader of a Fortune 500 company then you can pay anyone, anything, to help make your transition to motherhood easier and possible. So again, in my opinion, it’s just not helpful or very likeable of her to call it all “Easy.” It also wasn’t savvy.

Now – because I am attempting to show a balance of perspectives here – let’s turn to the fabulous Valerie and get her professional response to this one:

Valerie’s Response: This woman is the CEO of a publicly traded Fortune 500 company – she has rigorous and inescapable legal obligations in that capacity to the corporation and those who have invested in it.  In that light, everything she says publicly must convey the message that Yahoo is in good hands and pointed towards profitability.

WM: Okay – Valerie has a very valid point on this one. But I STILL believe her comments could have been worded differently to acknowledge that motherhood is not what we call “easy” or when it is, we credit the many people in our lives who support us to help make that the case.  I think part of my beef with Mayer right now is this – whether she likes it or not – she has become the poster woman for young working motherhood in this country. Her appointment as CEO of a Fortune 500 company while pregnant, and this appointment before the age of 40, sent a signal to employers everywhere that motherhood and business can go hand-in-hand – that women can and should be considered for competitive, high-powered and demanding jobs even when they are pregnant or have young children at home. She is breaking glass barriers and yet she seems resistant to it.  We have so few female role models who are also young mothers that make headlines and provoke conversations about working motherhood that to be blunt – she just disappoints me. And calling it “easy” didn’t help.

Valerie’s Response: While she is a public figure who first came to mass media attention for being pregnant when she was made CEO, she has not presented herself as a spokesperson for working mothers.  Should she make comments about how hard it is being a lactating woman in the corner office, she could send Yahoo stock plummeting – she would then be immediately sued by a multitude of people, including her board, Yahoo investors, and possibly the SEC.  She’s not gotten where she is today by making that kind of mistake. Everything you want her to do with her platform is illegal, ill-advised, and would cost her her job and cost Yahoo shareholders money.

Of course, her position and profile is fantastic for those of us who advocate for working mothers, and all mothers – what a contrast between being a CEO with personal staff, an easy delivery and cooperative baby – see how much wealth and resources must be dedicated to allowing this women to excel at work?  Does any other woman in this country have the same advantages?  Can women individually counter these great disparities?  Does public policy have a role to play in removing barriers between parents (mostly mothers who do most of the childcare, still, in this country) and a workplace that allows parents, or others with non-workplace obligations succeed both at work AND in their family life?

WM: Valerie is making a great comment here and one that hadn’t occurred to me – instead of viewing her flippant “easy” remark as obnoxious – she is instead turning it around and saying this calls MORE attention to how much wealth and resources and support is needed to make a career and raising a family possible – and that is a good thing. I agree with her there. Only I worry that employers elsewhere won’t see it that way unless we continue to point that out – which is why I would like to hear Mayer say as much!  To me it’s like Angelina Jolie who is masterful at showcasing her children to paparazzi and keeping all her nannies out of sight. She allegedly has one nanny per child. And give me a break, no one thinks she’s out there play dating alone with her children all the time while managing her superstar career and keeping extremely thin and fit and beautiful without a team of helpers – yet she keeps them hidden. Why? I want to hear from more Julie Bowen’s and Amy Poehler’s who publicly thank their nannies and “sister wives” and acknowledge that they need help and support otherwise their careers and their success would not be possible. In case you missed Amy Poehler in particular, here’s what she said at the Time Magazine gala honoring the 100 most influential people:

“Since I have been at this dinner in 2008, I have given birth to two boys and I’ve left “Saturday Night Live” and I started my own TV show, and it’s been a crazy couple of years, and I thought who besides Madam Secretary Clinton and Lorne Michaels have influenced me? And it was the women who helped me take care of my children. It is Jackie Johnson from Trinidad and it is Dawa Chodon from Tibet, who come to my house and help me raise my children. And for you working women who are out there tonight who get to do what you get to do because there are wonderful people who help you at home, I would like to take a moment to thank those people, some of whom are watching their children right now, while you’re at this event. Those are people who love your children as much as you do, and who inspire them and influence them and on behalf of every sister and mother and person who stands in your kitchen and helps you love your child, I say thank you and I celebrate you tonight.”

Now THAT is reality. And given that she noted two nannies, on top of herself and her now ex-husband, that’s four people to help raise two children and make a career possible. THAT, friends, is NOT easy.  So now I get off my soap box and turn it back to Valerie.

Valerie’s response: If women in general and mothers, in particular, want to really work for change so having a child doesn’t punish you in your profession, they should concentrate their efforts on organizations like mine and others, educate themselves about what policies could make a difference, then put pressure on their elected representatives to MAKE THESE THINGS HAPPEN.  Then having great child care, paid maternity leave, help at home and support at work would be something more parents, and more mothers, could look forward to.   Ms. Mayer, I assure you, has a very busy calendar, and will not be doing this work.

WM: Here, here, Valerie. You are exactly right — we must feel compelled to DO something about it. And now with more women in Congress than ever before in January, perhaps 2013 is the time to write your Member of Congress and advocate on behalf of working parents and family friendly public policies if you haven’t done this already. Perhaps we should have Valerie back in the new year to explain and guide us further on HOW to do this? Thoughts? Also, I’d like to address one thing  — this common complaint of how women are trashing each other and we should “leave Mayer alone.” I totally disagree with that. This isn’t the Oprah show where everyone gets along and life is grand. I believe that conflict is a GOOD THING. I believe conflict, debates and challenging one another (in productive, not mean-spirited ways) provokes dialogues, it generates headlines, it spurs conversations that can help lead to change and motivate others to act on it. So I do not believe it to be anti-woman and anti-mothers to challenge one another and engage in interesting conversations about these topics.

Thank you to Valerie for her time today and help in sharing a different perspective from my own. I’d love to hear what you think — chime in here or on the ever lively and fun Wired Momma Facebook page (which I hope you’ll Like and share with your friends if you haven’t already done so). Also, be sure to hit “Like” on Valerie’s Facebook page if you’re interested in these topics because like I noted earlier, there’s no one better and faster than her with posting links to great articles.