Category Archives: Work-Life Balance

Re-Thinking Work-Life Choices in Parenthood: We are Digital Moms

Based some amazing comments in response to my post two weeks ago about work-life choices and the struggles facing working moms and at-home moms, I’ve decided to dedicate WM to this topic all week. First, a few housekeeping items:

1. Mommy Guilt is stupid and I hereby ban it. I ban you from this blog if you don’t agree to it.

2. The “mommy wars” are dead.

Can we declare this idea dead now, people?

More on this all week but again, I ban you from my blog if you don’t agree to it. And we’ll all totally talk about you (not even behind your back) if you don’t agree to it.

3. There are so many reasons I am certain the “mommy wars” are dead but one is because I think we are all, instead, Digital Moms. It isn’t so much about working moms vs. at-home moms as it is how technology  is changing our relationship with  motherhood and with how and where we work.  Also, technology is dramatically impacting how we parent (both with giving our kids access to it – and making sure we aren’t on our stupid phones too much when we are meant to be spending time with our children.) There is no road map for the impact of technology on modern parenting – there are no long-term studies on how kids learn from using the iPad instead of pen and paper. There is no decade long research on quality time with kids when we are constantly interrupted by our phones. And it is technology that is transforming the space where old-fashioned stay-at-home moms are becoming obsolete. Technology has invaded our home life in such a way that for so many, an office is obsolete, and we work from home. In our yoga pants. And pick up our kids from school. We are digital. Our lives our digital. So even having this debate about the mommy wars is antiquated because who are these people who work exclusively 9-5 in an office (instead of in the office, in the car, during soccer practice, later at night when the kids are asleep) and who are these moms who stay home and “do nothing”? Technology bleeds between the lines of these once clearly-defined spaces rendering such labels as “working mom” and “stay-at-home”  mom meaningless, in my opinion.

Now that we’ve gotten our housekeeping items straightened out – here’s what we’ll talk about this week and I’d love to hear more from you because it was your comments and emails to me that have inspired me to keep digging into this topic of work-life choices and the obsolete “mommy wars.”

1. It’s not the mommy wars, it’s looking in the mirror and unfairly beating ourselves up.  So many guilt-ridden comments from moms questioning their choices between work and home life prompted me to dig a little deeper. These self-criticisms strike so deep and undercut the confidence of so many moms and unnecessarily, I think. I think we are far too hard on ourselves. So, I did some research and located a Pew research study. The results show that working moms rate themselves far lower as parents (only 28% ranked themselves 9 or 10 as parents on a scale of 10) than do part-time moms or at-home moms (over 40% rated themselves 9 or 10). These results are really upsetting. I want to talk about how we need to spend less time on this quest for balance and perfection and more time owning our choices and being proud of our decisions – it’s called life and imperfection – why are we so afraid to accept that?

2. The mommy track and sacrifices between work and family. The August decision by Judge Loretta Preska to dismiss the Bloomberg case involving discrimination against pregnant and working moms is the most current blow to the quest for work-life flexibility.  The female judge’s harsh words indicating that working moms should not be treated differently than anyone else certainly set a ripple affect through the blogosphere and chills down many working mom’s spines. Here’s what she said if you didn’t read it last month: “The law does not mandate work-life balance,” nor does it “require companies to ignore and stop valuing ultimate dedication, however unhealthy that may be for family life.”  Harsh but is it brutally honest? What I’d like to explore is not the woe-is-me victim angle of the struggles and demands of parenthood. But instead – are we realistic in what we want – do we honestly ask ourselves if we want to climb the ladder or are we willing to compromise our success at work for more time at home – or vice versa – sacrifice time with our kids to instead move-up professionally? Does anyone really believe they can “have it all” with work and family?  Do we realistically approach the reality that having children impacts a career or alternately, having a powerful career impacts our time spent raising our kids? Do we, as new moms, set ourselves up for disappointment?

3. Why women choose to quit their jobs, how no one really is a simple “at-home mom” anymore and the fear of “Now what?” when the youngest starts elementary school. I found some research that proves my suspicion that the June Cleaver at-home mom of yester-year really is extinct. Today’s digital at-home mom is one of 10.1 million women-owned businesses. She’s freelancing, she’s volunteering on boards and at schools.  The at-home mom is no-more. Turns out she’s really busy and probably earning money during nap time. I’d call that work.

4. And if we have time before the week is up….the myth of “free” time, the increasing role of dads in keeping the house and family schedule going (apparently, to the detriment of  their precious testosterone levels) and do we have realistic expectations of our limited free time when we have kids or are we complainers? Husbands included in this one.

This ought to keep us pretty busy all week.  As much as I love to hog all the time and attention, I really hope you’ll chime in.

Today’s Topic: Owning a Business…along with Decor & Organization Tips for Kids Rooms

I am all but certain the Pottery Barn Kids catalogue is designed, printed and distributed to make parents feel like crap. I wince when I see it waiting for me in the pile of mail. I can hear its contents of happy children and organized playrooms mocking me as I inch towards it. And yet, like a masochist, I  can’t just throw it out. I have to open it. I get sucked in. I start to wonder not only what is wrong with me but why my children don’t look that happy and that clean and why doesn’t my playroom EVER look like that? So for this week’s expert, I turned to famed Washington designer and mom of two, one just 2 months old, Liz Levin of Liz Levin Interiors and Liz Levin Nesting. Not only does she provide us with some great tips on decorating and organizing a kid’s playroom but she also weighs in on the age-old question of balancing work with life, especially as a small-business owner.

Q: Tell us how long you have been in business for yourself?

Sure, I started seeing my own clients in 2004. I hired my first assistant designer in 2007 and by last summer, I had 3 people working for me as independent contractors. My operations manager is actually my sister. I always knew that I wanted to be in business for myself, well before I had children I knew this, and before I had the kids I really  had time to ramp up and work 24/7 on building my business. I was eager to work for myself but I knew I wanted to have a career that would allow me to see my kids right after school.

Q: We’ve been talking here on WM a lot about “balancing” work and family life and so, tell us how you, as the owner of your own business, manage to draw the line and really separate your work from your home life and give each one of them time?

It is so hard. Working for yourself, you get all the good and all the bad. It is very easy to get sucked in and believe that someone’s living room is a life or death emergency but with kids, I’ve had to learn to draw the line in the sand and keep the perspective that I have to set boundaries and stick to them. I worked out of my house at first when I had my first daughter and that worked out fine until she was almost 2. Then she was very aware of me being home, I practically had to sneak to use the powder room so she wouldn’t see me and I always worried that clients could hear a toddler in the background of phone calls. Now I have my own separate office space in Georgetown and I take Fridays off as my day to be at-home.

Q: I’ve found that it’s very difficult to stick to a shorter work schedule, that it takes a lot of confidence to say “no” to people and really stick to the plan of only working your set days of the week. Do you experience this and how do you handle it?

Definitely. Initially I worried that it took away the legitimacy of my business to work a shorter week. I would have my assistant handle calls because I didn’t want people to know I was home with the kids. I really was insecure about it but I kept banging myself on the head and reminding myself that this is my business and I can do whatever I want! Where I would then get tripped up was figuring out what it is that I wanted – did I want a bigger office, bigger staff or did I want to be home more? The reality is that you can put as much into it as you want but if you do good work, then you can take time off during the week and people will respect it. In my path to discovering that and believing in that, I blew plenty of nap times on conference calls and struggled with pulling myself away from work. I also worried when I saw my team, who didn’t have children, coming in earlier than me and staying later than me. But again, you realize that you put this stuff on yourself and we don’t need to put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect and do it all.

Q: OK. I could talk to you about working and home life all day long. But we are here to also talk about what might be the end of me: playrooms. And why I want to set a Pottery Barn Kids catalog on fire after reading it. It makes me feel so inadequate in every way. How does one have a playroom that looks like a magazine?  

Note Liz's use of bookshelves with closed doors to hide kid toys and splash of color. Photo Credit: Angie Seckinger Photography www.angieseckinger.com

Well first, there were probably 20 stylists without any children in sight who made those playrooms look like they do in the magazine. And the problem is that we all have more toys and more stuff than we do storage. I have a small townhouse and my daughter’s room is also part playroom. The truth is we all need to purge and store. Head to the Container Store and purchase some bins that fit under a bed, I use those for storing art supplies, plastic food, and then use baskets for blocks and puzzles. Initially we had bins in the living room but we learned that the kids don’t play with  half the stuff in the bins because they can’t reach that far into the basket. Storing the toys also helps because when they haven’t seen them in a while, they will actually want to play with them. Organizers often tell clients to have more storage space than you do stuff – and this really applies to children’s playrooms. Learn to think of yourself as a toy collector and reality is that you will be adding to your collection over time. So if you purchase storage pieces that have space for more things, you will have space for them as your collection grows. The other thing I am discovering and reminding myself is that kids don’t need a room full of stuff all the time. Less is more.

Q: I love this idea of thinking of ourselves as toy collectors. Great advice! So how about colors – are there trends in color for kids playrooms – any popular colors?

I don’t really think there are trends for colors in kids rooms but I encourage my clients to look for inspiration pieces when decorating a room. One playroom I did for a client who had 2 sons was midnight blue and white with red accents. We used navy window treatments and painted a blackboard wall. It was a really cute room but it also didn’t look like a romper room. I had a catch-all room at my house where I used a graphic poster as my jumping off point and accented the room with red-white wallpaper and a red desk. The trick when doing these rooms is more about the appropriate storage. I once had a client who added a built-in window seat with a lid that opened up and they added 4 dividers inside. This was a great idea for the kids play room but then they learned the only issue was the depth – again –  like those large bins I used to have in my living room – the kids couldn’t easily reach all the way inside. So that is something to consider as you are trying to figure out storage and kids rooms.

The dining room chairs...vinyl.... Photo Credit: Angie Seckinger Photography www.angieseckinger.com

Q: More excellent advice and I know I regularly fall victim to thinking something is a great storage piece and then realizing it is way too deep for my little 2-year-old’s arms to reach inside. Let’s move on to talk about fabrics when decorating with kids. Any advice?

Sure. Obviously you want to look for stain resistant materials like ultra suede or leather. I often use nano-tex technology   to treat material on furniture for homes with kids or pets to really keep it stain resistant. Outdoor fabrics are now softer and I like to use them as well. I have a chair in my living room with outdoor fabric on it. Another cool way to go is vinylizing fabric. It will give it a really funky look, like vinylizing a banquette seat in a pretty bold pattern and then it wipes off easily. I saw it once in an Elle Decor magazine and thought it looked great. Since seeing it, I’ve done it for a client.

Q: Ohh – I love that idea and would have never thought of it myself. I can see how that can be funky and certainly kind of retro. How about carpets?

Dark carpets are a great way to go with children because you really can’t see anything on them. There is a company called Fiber Seal and they will come treat your carpet for you, it’s not toxic and it should last about 18 months. I put a cream carpet by my front door and used Fiber Seal on it and it really works beautifully.  You don’t have to be in the trade to use them.

Awesome advice from Liz Levin today. I really appreciated her insights not only in running a successful business while also spending time with her kids, but on how to think of ourselves as toy collectors and manage the chaos with style! For more design tips, here’s a link to 10 tips from Liz Levin featured on HGTV. Be on the lookout for more expert topics from the amazing moms living around us here in DC, and be sure to “Like” the Wired Momma FB page or subscribe to the RSS feed to easily keep up with my shenanigans and rants.

Is DC really the most “Family Friendly” city?

The Washington Post’s new On Parenting Blogger, Janice D’Arcy, scooped us earlier this week when she noted that Parenting Magazine’s July issue names DC as the most “family friendly” city in the nation.

At first my heart swelled with pride for my hometown (well, kind of my hometown. Does 15 years count?)

Then I patted myself on the back a few times for being smart enough to raise my kids here. I did a few victory laps, I relished the notion that my children will be cultural savant’s because of the plethora of museums at our disposal and the excellent public education system.

But then I thought about living here. You know – actually living here – and the reality of it – and there is so much that is wonderful about DC. But I think we’re remiss in not discussing one really important topic as we all swell with pride over raising our kids in this most “family friendly” town in the country.

Umm…family friendly? Really? If you’re sitting in an office right now, are you surrounded by family-friendly policies that encourage you to have a work-life balance, enable you to skip out at 2pm without a care in the world, to take your suddenly ill child the docs and then roll in late tomorrow because little Johnny has a year-end  play?

I didn’t think so.

So yes, I do think that DC is an amazing city and one with so many advantages for raising children over others – starting not just with our free museums and fabulous zoo but with our strong housing market and decent job market as compared to other cities. But where I think DC lacks desperately is in leading the way with family friendly work policies, ones that support both parents in needing flexibility. Policies that recognize that horrible beltway traffic coincides with projectile vomiting child coincides with work meeting at 4pm and something’s got to give and you can choose your kid’s needs over your place of employment and not be judged for doing so. And it being the capital city, I think the onus is on our government (including Senate and House offices) and the companies headquartered here (including all the trade associations) to really carve the path towards supporting family friendly policies – not just including them in the employee handbook – but actually actively supporting them, encouraging employees to partake in flexible work schedules – and realizing that working from home can – and does – actually mean you work at home and, in my experience, accomplish  more than you can at work with all the other disruptions.

And note – I don’t consider things like “back up childcare” and childcare reimbursement pre-tax policies as the kind of family-friendly policies I’m looking for – because those policies help me remain at work – they don’t help me see my kids.

So yes, Parenting Magazine, DC is a fabulous town for so many reasons (though I also question their kid friendly restaurant reasoning – either that or I am spending way too much time at local Mexican restaurants or Pizza joints) – and I am proud that we topped the list. But before we get ahead of ourselves, I ask you what you think ?

What’s your reaction to DC being named most family-friendly? Have you seen an improvement in work-life balance policies at your office? Are others participating in family-friendly programs or is it the kiss of death to be the only person who actively uses these policies?

Balance…or Sacrificing One Thing for Another?

Will this movie be annoying and reignite the "mommy wars?"

Jack Welch might be a bull. He might be a really aggressive and unpleasant person. But in my opinion, he nailed it when he said there is no such thing as work-life balance, there is work-life choices.  I think we should all ban together and eliminate  this cultural concept about work-life balance because the only people who might actually believe it exists are young women graduating from college and evaluating their future careers, meanwhile buying into romanticized notions that they can be an amazing wife, a fully present parent and successfully shatter the glass ceiling.

After reading the WSJ Juggle’s column about Carol Bartz and Sallie Krawcheck, two of the most powerful female executives in our country, losing their jobs, I immediately watched this candid video with Bartz talking about the myth of work-life balance. The common thread is the advice of taking a wide-angle lens view of your whole life and realizing work and family life ebb and flow over time. I really appreciate that perspective.

Reading that these executives have three children at home and no one would mention it if they were men doesn’t bother me because the truth is, kind of like when we all wonder how much weight a pregnant friend has gained, we wonder how in the world these women have made it to the top and raised three children. We wonder because we are reflecting this back on ourselves. Will I gain as much or as little weight? Can I have so many children and still make it to the top, oh, and still be a totally awesome mom?  I think these are realistic questions to ask because we are trying to figure it out ourselves. And what they are saying is, no different from the men, they missed pivotal moments in their children’s lives but they rose to the top of their profession.

I think what they are also saying is there needs to not be guilt because we are in charge of our decisions when we have a choice between work and home.  A woman who stays home full-time has sacrificed her career, her income and what she built to that point, professionally, to be with her kids full-time. She makes this decision realizing that eventually these children will be in school all day and then she will be faced with a painful and difficult question – now what?  Unfortunately that time of all kids in school seems like an eternity for many when they choose to stay home but in reality,  it arrives lightning fast. A woman who works full-time is needed in the workforce, is paving the way for future girls and fulfilling her own ambition and drive, but she is missing out on time and experiences with her children.  It is what it is. Both of these choices are vastly different and each present challenges and sacrifices to the women. I would argue that no decision is made lightly and without doubt along the way.

So what it goes back to is guilt. I’ve long said that mommy guilt is stupid. Own your choice, be proud of your decision and be realistic about what it means. And also- be realistic about if you have a choice because I’ve found that the women who say “I have a choice but I still chose this path” are the ones without guilt.  

What do you think?