I'm losing count of how many times I've used this image but doesn't it say it all?
For today’s blog post, I hope you’ll click on over to my piece on HuffPost DC about work-life “balance” – a word I loathe, despise and wish would just be deleted from our vocabulary (in this context). I also can’t stand mommy guilt, for what it’s worth.
Anyhow – please read and share and comment and tell me what you think!
As much as I would love to dish about whether Beyonce is faking her baby bump (and her age) – and is actually 37 and using a surrogate – and as much as I’d love to discuss how anti-woman these deceptions are if they are true – I will instead focus today on the Forbes ranking of top cities for Working Moms. For the third year, Forbes Woman has ranked the top cities for Working Moms in the country and this year Washington DC fell from the ranking of 2 to 9. Anyone who follows my blog knows I was highly suspicious of Parenting Mag’s ranking of DC as the number one city for families. So, I certainly eyed these results dubiously.
Is this how a top working mom city ranking is supposed to look?
First, Forbes Woman is right to factor things like cost of child care, employment, salaries and then time – specifically time spent commuting – into their criterion for what makes a top working town for mothers. I am actually really proud to learn that working women in Washington rank one nationwide for income levels – this is a great thing for everyone, including our kids, and hopefully many of these women are affecting public policy and influencing positive change. But when you are averaging a higher salary than any other city nationwide, that comes with a price tag. A hefty one – one that is more than just a lot of time spent commuting (where we ranked 49th, a contributing factor to the fall to 9th place). A high salary translates into a demanding job which translates into a lot of working hours – which does not equal to work-family “balance” and time spent with children. All of this, in turns, makes me highly suspicious of how this is a great town for working moms? Cause we work a lot?
These types of rankings are so attractive for media coverage and bloggers like myself. We love to see where our city ranks, we love to pat ourselves on the back. But there is not emotional ranking to these surveys – it’s all just facts and figures – and it’s the emotional component to working for moms that comes with the heaviest price for all of us.
So, I applaud Forbes for digging a little deeper this year and really looking beyond the surface at things like commuting time, cost of childcare, crime and ranking of physicians (DC ranked 8 for that). But what I’d like to see is a closer look from DC employers at why we fell from #2 to #9 and the repercussions of time away from family, demanding working hours and commuting time: what is the price we pay for these things in terms of our stress levels and our health?
And instead of applauding DC’s placement in the top ten, let’s spend more time looking at employers like the State University of New York at Buffalo who gives employees (including fathers) 28 weeks of time off for the birth of a child, including adoption. That’s a true attempt at work-life balance, something I’d prefer not to call a “benefit” and warrants a top ranking.
What do you think of these types of rankings? Forbes is asking what metrics they can change or should add to gauge what is really “best” for working moms? I’d vote they add a job flexibility ranking – isn’t that what so many are seeking?
Sorry I didn’t have a chance to post yesterday, I was lucky enough to attend a press conference hosted by Highlights Magazine where they announced their annual State of the Kid survey (more on that next week because the results are fascinating and somewhat upsetting). So today, let’s get back onto our discussion of work-life choices and talk about stay-at-home moms. Earlier this week I threw out there that I really believe this label of “Stay-At-Home Mom” is extinct. Who is this person? I don’t know this person, do you know her?
I’m making the case that I think all of us are digital moms, whether we go to an office full-time or we don’t, we are bound to technology. It bleeds into our day, we work in spaces that seem unorthodox and counter-productive to work – like our cars waiting to pick kids up from school. Women who have quit their full-time job to “stay home” are doing so much work, some paid, some unpaid. Yet the label “SAHM” implies she is a dud, she doesn’t “do anything” and she probably wears mommy jeans.
Do they look like any moms you know? I didn't think so.
First, let’s talk about why women stop working full-time. I can speak for myself here. I wasn’t given any flexibility, I spent much of my time wondering why I was leaving my kids all day for that job, I wasn’t saving the world or curing infectious diseases, and I couldn’t reconcile how it was worth it. I was willing to risk “stepping out” and the financial security net that came with my job, to try something else. Prior to making this decision, however, I fell into a camp that said I couldn’t afford it. Ultimately what I realized was that was an excuse, not necessarily the entire truth. For several years, I wasn’t willing to give up a lifestyle, I was afraid of how I would fill my time, I was worried about my identity if I didn’t have the job. And until I was ready, I wasn’t sure I WANTED to be home. But it’s much easier to hide behind a financial reason than to tick off the list of what worries you. I wish more people would state the real reasons instead of using “I can’t really afford it” because many of us can afford it if we’re willing to make those tough decisions and I find it’s more helpful and constructive when I’m exploring my options when I’m honest with myself and my friends about my reasons.
So, now that the decision to stay home has been made, I’ve come to realize that the reasons why women stop working are never quite as simple as she wants to be home with her kids. I suspect the same is true for dads who stay home. The reasons are oversimplified in the media and in our quick labeling. But really, I think it’s a complicated and fascinating and important mix of factors: expense of childcare especially when you have more than one kid, career ennui (sweet scrabble word, right?), workplace that isn’t accommodating to the time demands that come with raising young children or seeking a different path in life. I think it would benefit all of us if we spent more time exploring the reasons WHY instead of just the sweeping generalization that career-focused and educated women are “opting out.” The WHY is the story and understanding the WHY might actually help impact some change in the workplace.
Which brings me to point number two – the digital mom – a woman who is likely seeking a different path in life. I was not surprised at all when I stumbled upon this Parenting article on today’s “SAHM” digital mom. Turns out many of these women are a growing mass in our country, a small army of 10.1 million women-owned businesses. Our preschool parking lot is crowded with these entrepreneurs. They are starting their own catering companies, their own party planning businesses, their own PR freelancing shops, their own at-home daycares, their own blogs that generate some income. These women are working and many of them are doing it without hiring babysitters and nannies. These woman are also volunteering for school boards and working in classrooms helping teachers and planning school functions. All of this might be a far cry from steady paychecks, healthcare benefits and 401k contributions, but these women inspire me. They are starting new careers, they are forging new paths and the message they are sending their children is not one of opting out and forgoing their education and experience to make brownies. They are teaching their children that there are many ways to earn money, to gain experience and to work. Just like the leap of faith we take in getting married or having kids, opting out of a secure career and paycheck, is nothing if not a leap of faith.
And I believe it’s technology, smart phones, the internet, social media and the blogosphere that is helping these women forge new paths in life.
Forging the new path isn’t necessarily easy or obvious when you stop working, however. Personally I have slowly stumbled upon my new path. I certainly didn’t leave my job with a plan. Earlier this week Samantha Ettus from Forbes sent me a link to her recent post on this subject and I think she hit on one fundamental challenge facing many women: keeping in touch with your contacts when you do quit work. The reality is when you have very young children, it’s difficult to find time to do anything but care for them. But suddenly the months blend together into years and the baby is off to preschool and kindergarten and we have more…TIME. The very thing that was so scarce for so many years is suddenly accessible. So keeping our relationships going through those foggy baby years really is critical to the “NOW WHAT” dilemma so many women face when the kids are suddenly in school and there’s time to be part of that 10.1 million women who are small-business owners and entrepreneurs. For me, it’s been as simple as keeping up with people on Facebook, occasional emails, holiday cards, coffee or happy hour mixed in – the trick has been just not going dark.
In the end, I think no matter what decision we make – whether it’s to remain working full-time, to cut back on our hours, or to walk away and figure out the “now what” later – I will at least keep telling myself that nothing is final, my needs and my kids needs continue to change with time, and if you believe in your decision and the consequences of your decision, then you will enjoy parenthood and your days so much more. The grass is really only ever greener when you’re not confident in what you’re doing.
So yesterday I teased you with some research I’d done on moms. Let’s roll up our sleeves and talk about it a bit more. I’m totally channeling my inner-Oprah today…so emphasize certain words super dramatically when you read them and trust that I have my own list of favorite things that I’d love to give away…if someone would just send them to me already.
OK, so Pew Research announced some results back in 2008 that really disturbed me. Here’s the cliff-notes version: When asked to self-score themselves as parents, on a scale of 1-10, a mere 28 percent of full-time working moms gave themselves a score of 9 or 10. 41 percent of part-time working moms gave themselves a 9 or 10 and 43 percent of at-home moms gave themselves a 9 or 10.
Why all the self-flagellation people? What good does that do anyone? Sure, I don’t know the full questions asked but let’s just presuppose the question was “Are you an awesome mom?” Why did almost 60% of part-time or at-home moms and almost 80% of full-time working moms declare themselves as NOT awesome?
What good is that doing anyone?
This is what I think an issue is – not the “mommy wars” (remember we are all totally bad talking about you if you go around trashing working or at-home moms). Why are mothers so damn hard on themselves? And let’s stop using cultural influences as crutches here – Oh, it’s my Catholic guilt, oh, it’s my Jewish mother guilt.
Please…as my dad would say…don’t buy a ticket on that bus.
In a moment of brutal honesty, I will tell you that I have plenty of nights where I lay there and seriously worry – was I too distracted today, should I have done that puzzle with her again, did I leave the TV on for too long, did I bark at them too many times – and on and on and on. This isn’t good. We could drive ourselves insane reflecting on and doubting every decision we make all day long while the sweet cherubs have visions of Popsicles and pizza and Halloween costumes dancing through their heads all night long. And then roll yourself over when you are laying there fretting about the small stuff – what is your husband doing?
You think he's up all night worrying?
I thought so. Not a care in the world for old snore face.
So again – why the self-flagellation people? Why this quest for perfection? Why this insistence that we focus on all the areas that we fall short in the day instead of what we did that was super fun and awesome? How about all the stories you read for the 150th time, the lunches you lovingly packed, the 8th load of laundry you folded, the sweet frozen Trader Joes dinner you heated up? Why isn’t that all good enough?
I think that the quest for parenting perfection is laden with abuse, doubt and ultimately makes us worse parents, not better, because these kids can smell fear and insecurity and they know how to use it. It also enables you to be afraid of your kids because you are so worried about doing something wrong. Everyone responds better to confidence, kids, bosses and husbands included. Right? Am I Oprah or what?
I also think when we are riddled with doubt, we aren’t doing a good job of setting boundaries for ourselves. So many women lack the confidence to say “No” when someone asks them to do something and the more we agree to other things, the more it chips away at the time we have for what’s making us insecure – which is most likely to be our work or our children. I’m a big believer in setting boundaries and not attaching guilt or doubt to them. Do I really need to volunteer on another committee at school? Do I actually need to attend that work event this week or won’t it go on just fine without me so I can get home and see my kids? Draw the lines and proudly stand by them, I say.
And so, in my quest to ban all mommy guilt and mommy wars from our dialogue, I challenge you to give yourselves 9s and 10s the next time Pew comes a calling. Instead of getting all tangled up in our short-comings, let’s realize we all have them, and instead be proud of the kids and how great they are turning out. Tune in tomorrow for more totally fabulous work-life discussions and a little less Oprah. In the mean time, what do you think? Would you have given yourself a score of 9 or 10? Are we too hard on ourselves?
