Category Archives: Work-Life Balance

WM Working Mother Hero Awards: A New Series

May 21, 2012
Unless you’re new here (and if you are, welcome, please stay), then you know I don’t believe work-life balance is a real thing and I definitely think it just perpetuates guilt.
And what do I think of mommy guilt?
It’s a colossal waste of time and energy…at a point in life when you have pretty much no time and very little energy.
On Friday, those of you on the WM Facebook page, know I posted a link to an article about the new first lady of France, Valerie Trierweiler because she seems like a colorful personality who will be fun to watch emerge onto the world’s stage. She caught my attention when she spoke of not working on Wednesdays to instead stay home with her boys and “make crepes.” Fabulous.
Reading about her inspired me to kick off the first ever WM Working Mom Hero Award series.
What is that, you ask?
Obviously the most sought-after award among the world’s leading ladies. Should I roll my eyes at you for not knowing this?
Seriously – it’s my attempt to quell working mom guilt by offering perspective from some awesome ladies. And in the year of Moi Loves Moi, not only do we pat ourselves on the back for being awesome, we gain from reading about other women who manage successful careers and raise children because they also do it by making sacrifices, by making choices and they do it with confidence. In short: they are awesome. And have some perspective that just might brighten your day when you need it.  To round out the debut of the award series, I’ve selected women from all walks of life: business, politics and popular culture/celebrity. My plan is to continue the series as I stumble upon another woman worthy of this esteemed award. If you see any articles about such a woman, by all means, let me know because one of my favorite topics to write about is work-life balance choices. Without further adue….let us begin.

Fabulous in A Devil Wears Prada. Photo Credit: http://silverfoxes.provocateuse.com/

WM Working Mom Hero in the Category of Pop Culture/Celebrity: Meryl Streep
As the most nominated actress in American history, I felt she needed another nod to add to the list. Actually, for some reason last night 60 Minutes was on later than usual, so I caught the last half hour and happily watched an interview with Meryl Streep. I’d been mulling this award series all weekend in my head but hadn’t really considered the celebrity category until I watched the beloved Meryl. Suddenly I realized I knew very little about her private life. And after quite a bit of research on her this morning, I know realize that is by design, on her part. Starting at the beginning, I actually had no idea that she has four children and her husband, her one and only husband, was a stay-at-home dad. Because Meryl is in her 60s, she’s certainly blazed many trails, one of them being the unconventional division of labor at home – how many SAHDs were there in the 90s? I tried several Google searches with various terms and really couldn’t find specific articles where she spoke about being a working mother exclusively. Part of the reason I am awarding her today is because she so carefully protected her private life for the duration of her career, which honestly flies in the face of what so many celebrities are doing today. In a 1990 Seattle Times article she boldly stated: “My private life is not for sale,” and when asked about how she attacked a photographer in July 1988 for trying to photograph her two older kids, she said “I’m sorry I didn’t break his face.”
LOVE.
What a refreshing perspective from today’s current trend of selling images of newborns to People Magazine (can’t even list just one guilty of that), signing diet deals with Jenny Craig when pregnant (Jessica Simpson) or putting your kids in reality series before they have a chance to decide that’s what they want (Tori and Dean).
Not only is Meryl fiercely private about her children and her private life, she’s very poetic when speaking about it, another nod to her and reason for the WM Award: elegance and grace. In the same Seattle Times piece, she was asked about difficult times in her life, starting with the sudden death of her first love to bone cancer. She said “I feel that’s my palette, that’s what I keep in my studio. You don’t get to see that. You get to see the painting.” In a similar vein, in a 1994 interview with US Weekly, she said “I don’t parade those really meaningful things and I don’t really trust people who do. Then everything’s for sale.”
What does this have to do with working motherhood, you ask, instead of just plain motherhood? Well, they aren’t mutually exclusive but I think she offers guidance for us in today’s world of social media, Facebook, Twitter, where we all live our lives out loud (ahemm..guilty), whether you are a celebrity or not. Before we post it on Facebook, I think Meryl offers some really important perspective – differentiating between what’s our palette and in our studio and what painting of ourselves others need to see.
When talking about being a working mom, again, I could find very little on this topic specifically except in this same US Weekly 1994 interview, she said “When I’m engaged in a film, I’m in la-la land, it’s practically vacation compared to being home with four kids – that’s working.” And much like the rest of us, she noted the only time of day she has for herself to pursue her own interests is between 5-7am.
In an interview in 2008 with Britain’s Telegraph, she spoke about her life with a longer term perspective than the earlier interviews I found and noted her life is measured “more by family than work” – which for me personally – has always been a perspective I appreciate hearing from successful working women – this idea of always taking the longer-term perspective instead of being so caught up in the moment.
On women’s leadership and women in film, we all expect Meryl to have strong opinions. She’s had this long career path of playing powerful females, most recently Margaret Thatcher. In this same Telegraph interview from 2008, the reporter references a speech Meryl gave to the Screen Actors Guild in 1990 where she described the male Hollywood establishment as “full of stupid, greedy people…and half-joked that if the trend continued women would be eliminated from the movies by 2010. Executives didn’t like to cast women who ‘remind them of their first wives.”
And that right there, is the coup de grace, the final reason why she receives the WM Working Mom award today – not just for blazing innumerable trails, for raising four kids and protecting them fiercely from the spotlight instead of parading them around for her own narcissist needs, for altering the division of labor at home, for having a wildly successful career that had ebbs and flows, including failures, that included a three-year break (she didn’t make a movie between 1999-2002), for refusing to play women whose purpose in a movie was to prop up a man or act as the moral conscience, for consistently portraying strong women and finally for being a strong woman in real life – for speaking candidly about sexism in the work place.
In short: Meryl Streep is bad ass.
I was actually going to write about my other WM Working Mom Hero Award recipients today but this post is already sooo long…..so now I’ll just keep you on pins and needles…who will be next…when will she post again?? Ahh…the suspense, the mystery, “Like” WM on FB for more fun and frolic until then……and of course, nominate someone you think should be awarded!
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Work, Work-Life Balance

RIP Mommy Wars?

April 13, 2012

I would like to think the mommy wars are dead. I really would like to believe that if a woman has the choice to work or stay home – or alternately – if the outrageously high cost of childcare totals as much as she earns in a year (therefore it’s not that she’s laying in beds of cash but we have no government resources to make childcare more affordable) – she stays home out of necessity – I’d like to think she is not judged. I’d like to think that each one of us recognizes that not only is staying home with children incredibly difficult WORK but it’s also incredibly important WORK. I’d like to believe that we don’t undermine stay-at-home mothers for spending their days with their kids – because when we do that – what we are really saying is that raising children isn’t important, that it doesn’t require time and emotional energy. In effect, we are undermining  not just our children but also all the teachers and early childhood educators out there. Because when we judge women for being home – that is what we are saying – kids aren’t important or hard work.

Waging a war against each other while we're trying to "have it all" makes no sense

Just as I’d like to believe stay-at-home mothers aren’t judging working women for their decision – again – because so few of them even have a choice. And they are stretched extremely thin, constantly short on time and agonizing over what they are missing when they are gone – and whenever their child misbehaves – what is happening in the back of their minds is this: Is my child acting like this because he needs to see me more? That’s the kind of stuff that keeps you up at night and you convince yourself of very quickly. I don’t think men do this, which is what makes this issue almost uniquely about women.

So I’d like to think we moved well past these horrible judgments long ago. Yet here we are – front page of the Washington Post – because of Hilary Rosen’s comment that, no matter how you slice it, clearly exposed her personal belief that staying home with children isn’t work.

None of this will motivate me to even CONSIDER for one second birth control voting for Mitt Romney. Nor will it distract me from the outrageous war on women’s issues, specifically healthcare, that the Republicans have carefully spent all winter waging. And just as I’d like to believe the “mommy wars” are dead, I’d like to believe that this convenient distraction will not make any of us forget this past winter. And Romney’s inability to call Rush Limbaugh a disgrace for calling women “sluts” for wanting birth control pills. What did Ann Romney think of that? If we’re going to turn to her for substantive issues on all things women, then let’s hear it.

We are smart enough not to forget this entire winter.

Just like we are smarter than the mommy wars. I see the irony in this post today after my post yesterday that was, largely, playfully baiting everyone into admitting we judge each other for how “hard” we have it based on how many kids we have. Convenient that I want feed the judging machine one day and then am filled with disdain the next.

But this is important. Oh. And it’s my blog.

Staying home with your children is humbling, draining, taxing, stressful and exhausting work. You don’t answer to a boss or deadlines, argues some. Really?

Have you met a three year old? My entire life is answering to an irrational and unpredictable boss while up against deadlines not for 8 hours but more like 14 hours.

But working means someone else is “raising your kids.”

Really?

Cause when I worked full-time, I was the one who took my kids to the doctors, who stayed home when they were sick, who packed their lunches, washed their clothes, gave them baths, fed them at night, planned their birthday parties, volunteered in their classrooms and rocked them all night when they were sick.

I was raising my kids. Not my nanny. Not the pre school teacher. Me and my husband.

If the mommy wars are really dead – and please let them be – then hopefully if we’re commenting on all the attention Hilary Rosen’s comment is garnering right now – it’s to remind everyone that they are dead and this won’t distract us from the real important issues facing our country right now.

“Like” the Wired Momma FB page to keep up with when I’m judging and when I’m judging those who judge….or really anything else parenting related.

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Uncategorized, Work-Life Balance

Work-Life Balance…Thoughts from NBC4’s Angie Goff

April 10, 2012

NBC4's Angie Goff...a busy working mom

As many of you know, I’m always eager to talk about the eternal quest for work-life balance, and I especially love interviewing local moms in DC, so I jumped at the chance to interview NBC4’s Angie Goff. I was lucky enough to meet her at an event at Bethesda’s Kidville earlier this winter, along with her adorable 15-month old toddler Adora, and naturally I seized the opportunity to talk to her then about an interview on how she manages work and her family. Shortly after we met, Angie’s schedule headed in the opposite direction from work-life balance, at least from my viewer’s perspective, as she took on 11pm news work in addition to anchoring the weekend news. On top of this, her husband spends his weekdays away working down South. So really – does she think work-life balance is possible? How does she find “me time”, where does she shop and does she feel differently about covering the news now that she is a mom? Read on to find out…..

Q: First thing I’m always curious to know – what is it like being pregnant on camera?

Angie: I kept it quiet for the first four months and I write my own blog, Oh My Goff, and I started noticing search terms like “Angie Goff Pregnant.” I realized then that the viewers could tell, so I shared the news. Work wanted to follow my pregnancy, so it all really unraveled on the air and we did pieces for women because as a first-time mom, I had so many questions.  But as you know, the camera already makes you look bigger than you are, so I just really worried that I would never return to my same shape. I even got a little depressed looking at old pictures. Being on camera for work, I was also obsessed with returning to my old size right away once I had the baby but I learned I just couldn’t run right away. That’s when I realized that I just don’t have the same kind of time to do what I did before and truthfully, I still have my trouble spots.

Q: So you’ve mentioned that once you’ve had your baby, you really realize just how little time there is left in the day, so do you think work-life balance is possible?

Angie: Only if you are willing to accept that it means sacrifice and that you’re not #1 anymore. At first I really struggled with it. I had always done what I wanted to do my whole life and could follow through with commitments. Now I really wrestle with saying no and backing out of things. No one tells you that your own personal life will take a hit and it’s a struggle along the way. There are days I come into work and my brain is about to explode, there are a thousand things to do and I’m just thinking it all through in my head. I’ve realized that if I don’t get everything done, it’s going to be okay because sometimes it’s just not possible. For example, recently I just missed my friend’s kid’s first birthday party, I totally forgot. My heart sunk when I realized it.

I am still trying to learn how to say “no” to have more order in my life.

Q: Has anyone given you great advice on this front?

Angie: Well, I certainly have done some shows and been miserable but a colleague once told me that there used to be a weatherman who had a sign over his door that read “No one cares” and it just really puts things in perspective. People are tuning in to watch the news – so there’s no reason to let your bad day reflect on set. On days when I’m going on zero sleep or have had a difficult time, I go back to that sign and it really helps change my mindset. Also, there are plenty of days where it’s nice being at work, it’s like an escape. I will say, though, that when I am at work, I am in the work mindset and when I am home, I focus on being home and really try to not check emails – I just want to focus on my daughter.

 
 
 
 

Adorable Adora is already getting her start on the news

Q: Now that you are a mom, is it harder to cover the news?

Angie: Yes. Just recently, there was a tragic story of a very pretty girl who died on the track. I was asked to go interview the girls’ parents. My heart just sank. I’ve covered some horrific stories since 2003  – sex crimes, murder – and I’ve talked to victims before. But as we rolled up to the girl’s house and I saw her father out front – and I just couldn’t get out of the car for at least 5 minutes. I mean, what is the first thing you say to someone who just lost their daughter? In the end, I assured him that we would honor her memory but it’s crushing. It tears you apart.

Before I had my daughter, I was focused on hitting my deadline. Now I ask myself – “why does this matter”. In terms of the tragic story with the young girl, there was an outpouring online among her friends and hopefully they found our coverage comforting, I’d like to think it was part of the healing process for them. That takes away the burn.

And truthfully, sometimes now I will break down and cry whereas that never happened to me before. Sometimes I even cry when I’m watching the news as I’m running on the treadmill at the gym. I think I look at the news in a different way now, a better way.

Q: So you’ve mentioned going for runs a few times, is that how you find your “me time” now – if you can find any “me time”?

Angie: Well, I don’t have any extra help at home, so the moment I am home, I am hands on and taking care of my daughter. I can’t just go out for a run anymore, so I have purchased some DVDs to workout while she is napping. The truth is, though, that I always feel like I am up against the clock. I’ve found my “me time” happens when I get home from work, around 12:30 or 1am. That’s when I have my “me time” – between 1-2am. I’ll grab a snack and read or watch some episodes of “Mad Men.” That is really when I have some down time. My husband is also gone all week, sometimes we don’t see each other for 2-3 weeks, then he’ll fly in on Friday, I’ve got an early shift on Saturday and Sunday, then we’ll have lunch and he’ll go back to the airport. We’ve been doing this for almost 5 years but even so, I still don’t think anything would be possible without the support of a great spouse.

Q: That’s remarkable for you to say, even though he’s working elsewhere through the weeks. What a tough schedule. Okay, so in the fall I interviewed Eun Yang on work-life balance and later people emailed me, harassing me, wanting to know where she shops. So, I feel compelled to ask – do you have any favorite shops around town?

Angie: I shop the sales. I am a dress girl and I recently discovered  Last Call with Neiman Marcus. I also worked at JCrew through college and love their mix of business chic and casual pieces. I’m also a huge Lily Pulitzer fan and I find some pieces in consignment shops down south. For local consign shops, I also really like Current Boutique in Clarendon and Ella Rue in Georgetown.

Q: Great, thanks! So, do you have any final parting words of wisdom for other area working moms struggling to find work-life balance?

Angie: I think it’s so easy to get wrapped up in the guilt. But I don’t think we should. We are all doing amazing things and achieving so much and not giving ourselves credit. I think it’s pretty amazing that we can keep our heads together and do all that we need to do each day. So, don’t feel guilty. If you are doing it with real love, that’s all that matters. I also think that finding the “me time” is possible but it’s like a diet, you just have to commit to it or it’s not going to work. I really look forward to my 1-2am time. Also, I think it’s really important to find a reason to get out of the house every day. Even if you are just headed to the play area and kids books in Barnes and Noble. It’s just so healthy to get outside, stop by a petting zoo, go see different things, it’s a natural booster and we just get complacent and tired if we do the same things every day.

WM: Awesome, thanks to Angie Goff for her time, of which we know she has very little if she seems to genuinely enjoy her “Me Time” between 1-2am. I loved her advice and perspective, especially her point that we need to commit to finding “me time” as we would to a diet, otherwise it won’t happen. I think that is so right on. Also, where can I get that “No one cares” sign…and will my children get it?

For more talk of work-life choices as I prefer to put it, instead of balance, and other parenting topics, be sure to keep up by “liking” the Wired Momma Facebook page. Catch Angie on NBC during the 11pm news and anchoring the news on the weekend mornings.

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DC Moms Expert Series, Work-Life Balance

Forget the Glass Ceiling, Fix the Ladder

March 13, 2012
Looks about right. Photo Credit: Blogging about Business Women

I’ve struggled for a few years with the glass ceiling. We love to talk about the importance of women shattering the glass ceiling but here’s the thing, the ceiling is at the top, and first you have to want to get there. Not every woman wants to run for President of the United States or become the next CEO of a Fortune 500, run for Congress or even run a department – and that’s what I think of when we talk about shattering the glass ceiling. But most women want – and need – to keep working. (Fun Fact of the day: Did you know the U.S. Department of Labor created a Glass Ceiling Commission in 1991? It sadly went out of commission in 1996.)

It seems to me the crux of the issue is retaining talent and keeping women working so that there will be more of us to pick from to reach the glass ceiling, if and when the time comes. So isn’t it about the steps up the ladder to the ceiling that need more examination? I think so.

I’ve posted a few times in the past week on my Wired Momma FB page about the EU and how they are considering quotas to force companies to retain a certain percentage of women on their Boards. I just read the most recent article in the Economist, which noteworthy, has an extremely patronizing headline: “Women in Business: Waving a Big Stick.” Once I checked my repulsion with that unnecessarily snarky and sexist headline, I found the article interesting and informative.  Last year, Viviane Reding, the EU Justice Commissioner, asked publicly listed firms to pledge to increase the proportion of women on boards to 30 percent by 2015 and 40 percent by 2020.  According to the article, it’s now been a year and only 24 firms signed the pledge.  She isn’t yet calling for quotas but the speculation is that she’s heading in that direction. Currently she’s taking a very democratic approach and asking for a three-month public consult on getting more women into boards. Right now 13.7 percent of board members in large EU firms are women, up from 8.5 percent in 2003. That’s a pretty paltry increase in a decade. Think about the technological advancements alone we’ve seen in the last decade. People were still using dial-up in 2003. Now we walk around with our iPhones and iPads. Was Mark Zuckerberg even out of high school in 2003? So we can leap ahead technologically yet when it comes to advancing women in business, we remain stagnant? Sidebar – why does this surprise me when the current heated political debate for the Republicans right now is centered around women’s healthcare….

Meanwhile over in Norway, not an EU member, quotas were introduced almost a decade ago and now the Norwegians have 40 percent female representation on boards up from 9 percent in 2003.

Here in the United States, it’s safe to say we have an uncomfortable discourse about quotas. Humor me for a minute. Let’s remove people from the equation and consider how these big changes work among US companies. For instance, when our vehicles become more fuel-efficient, is it because the automakers volunteer to change their fleets or is it because the government mandates they achieve a certain level of fuel efficiency?

On my last check, the government keeps on increasing the required fleet wide average and imposing  fines on the auto companies if they don’t achieve higher standards of fuel economy by certain target years. They don’t just arbitrarily set higher standards, they invite public comment, they hold hearings, they engage with the automotive engineers and they work up a new agreement.

The auto industry isn’t the only industry regulated by the government – in essence – forced to be pushed in a new direction. Does everyone like it, especially those in the industry ? Not necessarily. Does it force change?

Yes. Why? Because money(in the form of fines) talks.

So why the skepticism with quotas? When you peel back the layers, how is it any different?  Why do we automatically assume a woman is invited to become a Board Member because of the quota instead of her achievements? Why don’t we, instead, assume the quota is necessary because the old way of thinking isn’t spurring necessary change??

Which brings me to my next point – about the glass ceiling and the broken ladder.

On Sunday, The Guardian ran a story about the Institute of Leadership and Management’s new study revealing that organizations in England are “filtering out” top female talent. Crotchety old male bosses take much of the brunt of the blame. Charles Elvin, head of the Institute, is calling for changes in attitudes and management processes. Topping the list: flexible working. The Institute says the issue isn’t the glass ceiling, the issue is the barriers along the way that filter out female talent.

And pray tell, what is the most notable barrier?

FLEXIBLE WORKING ARRANGEMENTS of course.

Did you really need me to tell you that.

The article notes how companies all have diversity programs yet still can’t seem to retain women. Big surprise there. The article reveals survey results finding that 68 percent of women and 42 percent of men identified flexible working as the number one solution.

I just don’t understand why in this age of the iPhone and instant internet access wherever we go, why flexibility is such a battle. Why is face time still so relevant? Do we  need the current wave of senior staff to retire before we can see this change in attitude? Do we need more MEN to not only ask for but also USE flex time as an option in their work place to help spur this change? Flexibility would have kept me in my previous job – without even a hesitation – but it wasn’t an option.

I think the other key issue here is this – there is a difference between a company offering flexible working arrangements and then a company encouraging employees (male and female) to actually utilize the flexibility..and then one step further…still promote and elevate those who do work around flexible schedules. Sure, you can claim anything but the proof is in the pudding, and if those who take the time aren’t ever promoted, then no one is going to take the time. A few years ago, I gasped in response to the very generous paternity leave my friend’s husband’s law firm offer its employees. Her response “Yeah, but taking that time off is the kiss of death.”

Therein lies the rub, we need companies to do more than talk the talk. My favorite quote from the article in the Guardian is this: Companies need to “focus on achieving objectives rather than sitting in your seat.”

You got that right.

Let us out of our seats, let us get our jobs done and not worry about where it’s being done, and maybe more women will stay on that ladder. For some really interesting stats on women in the United States in government and business, check out my friend Valerie Young’s piece.

“Like” me on Facebook to keep up with the ongoing discussion about working moms.

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Uncategorized, Work, Work-Life Balance
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