Category Archives: Washington Mommy Blogger

Is DC really the most “Family Friendly” city?

The Washington Post’s new On Parenting Blogger, Janice D’Arcy, scooped us earlier this week when she noted that Parenting Magazine’s July issue names DC as the most “family friendly” city in the nation.

At first my heart swelled with pride for my hometown (well, kind of my hometown. Does 15 years count?)

Then I patted myself on the back a few times for being smart enough to raise my kids here. I did a few victory laps, I relished the notion that my children will be cultural savant’s because of the plethora of museums at our disposal and the excellent public education system.

But then I thought about living here. You know – actually living here – and the reality of it – and there is so much that is wonderful about DC. But I think we’re remiss in not discussing one really important topic as we all swell with pride over raising our kids in this most “family friendly” town in the country.

Umm…family friendly? Really? If you’re sitting in an office right now, are you surrounded by family-friendly policies that encourage you to have a work-life balance, enable you to skip out at 2pm without a care in the world, to take your suddenly ill child the docs and then roll in late tomorrow because little Johnny has a year-end  play?

I didn’t think so.

So yes, I do think that DC is an amazing city and one with so many advantages for raising children over others – starting not just with our free museums and fabulous zoo but with our strong housing market and decent job market as compared to other cities. But where I think DC lacks desperately is in leading the way with family friendly work policies, ones that support both parents in needing flexibility. Policies that recognize that horrible beltway traffic coincides with projectile vomiting child coincides with work meeting at 4pm and something’s got to give and you can choose your kid’s needs over your place of employment and not be judged for doing so. And it being the capital city, I think the onus is on our government (including Senate and House offices) and the companies headquartered here (including all the trade associations) to really carve the path towards supporting family friendly policies – not just including them in the employee handbook – but actually actively supporting them, encouraging employees to partake in flexible work schedules – and realizing that working from home can – and does – actually mean you work at home and, in my experience, accomplish  more than you can at work with all the other disruptions.

And note – I don’t consider things like “back up childcare” and childcare reimbursement pre-tax policies as the kind of family-friendly policies I’m looking for – because those policies help me remain at work – they don’t help me see my kids.

So yes, Parenting Magazine, DC is a fabulous town for so many reasons (though I also question their kid friendly restaurant reasoning – either that or I am spending way too much time at local Mexican restaurants or Pizza joints) – and I am proud that we topped the list. But before we get ahead of ourselves, I ask you what you think ?

What’s your reaction to DC being named most family-friendly? Have you seen an improvement in work-life balance policies at your office? Are others participating in family-friendly programs or is it the kiss of death to be the only person who actively uses these policies?

Today’s Topic: Maternity Leave, Interviewing & Pregnant, Nursing at Work

On occasion, I’d like to bring you some advice from fellow DC moms who are experts on topics most of us care deeply about. Topics will range from serious to helpful to warding off an annual summer crisis: avoiding lion hair in the DC humidity.  Today’s topic is about protecting yourself, your job and knowing your rights if you are interviewing and pregnant, planning for maternity leave or returning to work and nursing. Today we’ll be talking with Anne Noel Occhialino, who is a local mom of two and has been an employment discrimination attorney with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission for over a decade.

Interviewing and Pregnant

I have a friend who revealed she was pregnant to a potential employer after she was offered the job. The employer then rescinded the offer. What is your advice to women who learn they are pregnant while interviewing?

Anne Noel: “My advice is to think very carefully before volunteering that information.  The Pregnancy Discrimination Act is a federal law that prohibits employers (defined as an employer with at least 15 employees) from discriminating against pregnant women.  That means that it is against the law to refuse to hire a woman because she is pregnant.   We know that pregnancy discrimination persists, however, and it even may be increasing.  In fiscal year 1997 the EEOC received fewer than 4,000 charges alleging pregnancy discrimination but in each of the last three fiscal years we have received in excess of 6,000 charges per year.  From the perspective of the employer, hiring someone who will go out on maternity leave in 6 months is less than an ideal scenario.   Because women are not obligated to disclose their pregnancies, and because some employers still discriminate against pregnant women, my advice is that pregnant women keep their happy news to themselves until they begin work.   Once a woman starts working, she may convince her employer that she’s an excellent employee, pregnancy or no pregnancy, and it may be harder at that point for an employer to discriminate against her by firing her.”

Bottom line – you are under no obligation to volunteer this information, so focus on protecting yourself first.

Maternity Leave

I am incensed just thinking about where we stand compared to other nations on federally mandated paid maternity leave. In case you don’t know, the United States is the only industrialized country in the world, except Australia, that doesn’t mandate paid maternity leave. Many other countries also offer fathers paid paternity leave, which is I think part of our mistake here in the U.S. Domestically, this issue is viewed as a women’s issue instead of a family issue, a societal issue.

What should women know about maternity leave and their job security?

Anne Noel: “People are often surprised when I say that I had to cobble together sick time, vacation time and unpaid leave to take “maternity leave” after the births of my daughters.   The Pregnancy Discrimination Act does not require that employers give women maternity leave.  Instead, it requires only that employers treat pregnant women the same as everyone else. What that means is that if an employer gives employees sick leave or a set amount of unpaid leave for medical illnesses or injuries, it must also allow pregnant women to take that leave.   So, the Pregnancy Discrimination Act does not require that pregnant women receive paid maternity leave, and no other federal law does, either.  The news about unpaid leave is a little bit better.  In 1993, President Clinton signed the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) . The  FMLA guarantees up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave to care for a child, including a newly adopted child or newly placed foster child. Workers are eligible if they work for the government or in the private sector, so long as they work for an employer with 50 or more employees. Additionally, employees must have worked a minimum of 12 months for the same employer and must work more than part-time, or about 31 weeks of the year.  Because of the prevalence of small businesses in our country, only 60% of private sector employees are covered by FMLA.”

Monica: There is movement in the individual states to improve the law on maternity leave, and California is leading the way.  Under the state disability fund, new parents are insured 6 weeks of paid time off.

MomsRising provides invaluable information on this topic, here is a quick overview of facts from their web site that we all should know:

  • Having a baby is a leading cause of “poverty spells” in the U.S. — when income dips below what’s needed for basic living expenses.
  • In the U.S., 49% of mothers cobble together paid leave following childbirth by using sick days, vacation days, disability leave, and maternity leave.
  • 51% of new mothers lack any paid leave — so some take unpaid leave, some quit, some even lose their jobs.
  • The U.S is one of only 4 countries that doesn’t offer paid leave to new mothers — the others are Papua New Guinea, Swaziland, and Lesotho.
  • Paid family leave has been shown to reduce infant mortality by as much as 20% (and the U.S. ranks a low 37th of all countries in infant mortality).

Nursing Mothers

I am constantly amazed by how much time is spent focusing on the importance of breast milk to the newborn child and yet so little time is focused on the difficulties working women face in nursing exclusively given our lack of federally mandated paid maternity leave and limited access to safe and clean places to pump in the workplace.  Hypocrisy abounds.

I understand that in the Affordable Care Act passed last year, the President included some protection for nursing moms in the workplace. What can you tell us about this new law and what hurdles nursing moms face in the workplace?

Anne Noel:  “Yes, the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (“PPACA”), was signed into law on March 23, 2010.    It requires employers to provide ‘reasonable break time for an employee to express breast milk for her nursing child for 1 year after the child’s birth each time such employee has need to express the milk.’  Employers are also required to provide a place other than a bathroom to express milk.  This law primarily protects hourly workers and is subject to exceptions.  Employers with fewer than 50 employees are not subject to the break time requirement if doing so would impose an “undue hardship” on the employer. This law should make it easier for many, but not all, women to express breast milk in the work place.

But working women face other hurdles in the work place when it comes to expressing breast milk.  In one case that the EEOC successfully litigated and then settled, a female doctor filed a charge of discrimination alleging that the owner of the family medical practice where she worked had sexually harassed her.   She alleged that the harassment intensified when she returned from her six-week maternity lleave and focused on her need to express breast milk for her son.  Although she would pump in her own office at lunchtime, her male boss made lewd and sexually-suggestive remarks to her, asking if he could “help” her pump, if he could see her breasts before she finished pumping and if her sex drive increased when she was pumping, and even saying that he would like to “lick up” a drop of breast milk that had fallen on her desk.  Mostly because of the harassment, she soon found a new job.”

Overall Advice

Anne Noel’s closing advice: “If you think you have been discriminated against, consult an attorney who can advise you as to your rights under federal and state law.  It is usually a good idea to try and work things out with your employer, if you can.  But if you cannot, try to take notes about what happened and think about other people who could corroborate your claim.  Remember that litigation can take years, but sometimes it is the only way to remedy discrimination and bring about change.  And also remember that you must file a charge of discrimination with the EEOC or your state agency if you want to go to court to assert federal claims of employment discrimination and that you have to file a charge within 180 days or 300 days, depending on where you live.”

Monica: Thank you to Anne Noel for providing us with such invaluable information. And thank you to MomsRising for always keeping us current on important facts. Next week we will get some expert advice on avoiding horrid summer frizzy hair.

For more on important subjects facing  moms today, “Like” the Wired Momma Facebook page.

It’s On. . .

Dear Loyal WM Followers, Fans, Frenemies…..

I’m back, it’s on, let’s get started. First off, thank you for reading me on Washingtonian’s site – it was super fun albeit brief. I hope you’ll follow me here – look to your right….you can subscribe super easily and then you have to make zero effort to keep up with the snark, the fun, the tips and the rants. And rants and snark there will be.

Here’s what I have in mind but I’d love to hear from you. I’m thinking of keeping the general commentary posts, I’m thinking of keeping the activities and ideas for weekend events with the kids, did you like those? Is it helpful? Should I keep it up? If so, know that I don’t get to Virginia much so if you hear of something in VA or want to promote a great kids event in VA, then email me. Post a comment here. Speak up and you will be heard.

I’m also going to launch my mom experts series that I didn’t have a chance to get off the ground on Washingtonian’s site. What is said series, you’re thinking, because you’re an expert? Yes. So am I. So tell me what you’re an expert in and maybe I’ll feature you here! My goal is to feature some amazing local DC Moms who are experts in topics we care about or things we can learn from. The primary point is: DC Moms are the stars here. Let’s get to know the stars among us (see – I am not so power-hungry and vain that I only feature myself here). Starting tomorrow, check in for a very informative and helpful piece from a local mom (and friend) who is an employment attorney with the EEOC…she will tip us off on maternity leave, protecting ourselves from pregnancy discrimination and nursing at work. Next week: Avoid horrid summer frizz hair featuring my amazing hairdresser (including a lesson on how to use a flat iron – bet you didn’t know your hair color impacts how to use it.)

I’m also thinking we need to discuss current hot topics like: Is there really a perfect swimsuit for moms at the pool who don’t want the kids to yank off half the suit, how to survive summer as school lets out, what politician is cheating on his wife this week, what stupid name did the latest celebrity pick for their poor unsuspecting baby, and whatever the Today Show does that annoys me that day.

Bottom line: I’ll post more frequently here, I’ll be snarkier here, I’ll have way more grammatical errors here. So please, bookmark this page, follow me on Twitter @wired_momma, subscribe to the blog, and continue with the comments, I love it! Let the games begin…spread the word…tell your friends….and thank you!

The Fallen Fairy Tale: Scorned Political Wives

Soliciting men in bathroom stalls , moving hookers over state lines (seriously, why aren’t ours here in DC good enough for Spitzer?), trysts in a TGI Fridays (really, McGreevey, really?), hiking the Appalachian trail – or was it lounging seaside in Argentina ( )- these are tales for an epic Hollywood blockbuster. The serious political leader caught with his pants down in outrageous scenarios is a constant thread in our media commentary. Arnold, we knew you had it in you, we just thought your story would be more exotic than a housekeeper. So let’s be honest with ourselves. We don’t devour every salacious detail of these affairs because of what the husband did, though, do we? We devour them because we are watching the scorned political wife.

And among those political wives, Ms. Edwards was the first to not stand by her man’s side in the mea culpa media interview . We applauded her for it. Then Ms. Sanford set the bar a little higher by dropping off the scene, leaking that she hadn’t spoken to her husband for weeks and demanded his repentance . Was the tide turning? Were we seeing a movement away from steadfast support of the husband because of his career? And why did these earlier political wives stand next to their husbands in those moments of humiliation and disgrace? Were they just in shock and willing to believe what they wanted to believe, or did they also believe in their husband-as-candidate so profoundly that they were willing to forgo their own humiliation?  

Julianna Margulies’ ill-titled show The Good Wife handled the perspective of the shamed wife with delicacy and respect through its first season. We watched as she rediscovered her independence, cultivated her career and built a life that wasn’t centered around her husband. But we watched her keep her husband at arm’s length, for the sake of her kids and presumably because you can’t stop loving the father of your children overnight.

So now we have Maria Shriver to watch. Possibly due to her own blue-blooded political savvy, in combination with her experience working for the media, she managed the message from the time it leaked out. It certainly can’t be a mistake that this news leaked months after the Governator left office. His political career was able to reach the apex he desired without his own indiscretions toppling it, like all these other idiots, but Maria managed to avoid the requisite press conference and already announced that she is separated from the dirty rotten scoundrel. She doesn’t look like a victim, she looks like she’s in charge.

So what does it leave us to think? What do we relay to our kids who are old enough to hear the incessant media chatter and ask us questions about it? How do we not shine the spotlight on our husbands and issue a few threats addressing precisely what we’ll do to them if they take up with the housekeeper or nanny or kindergarten teacher or school psychologist? Why do marriages fall apart after 25 years and four children? What does it say to the cheaters (and our kids) if we stick with them and what does it say to our kids if we ditch them?

Any one of these questions is enough to whip up a tornado of doubt and introspection to the point of neurotic.  So I choose to focus on the positive. My instinct is that we tell our kids the truth: many adult decisions are leaps of faith but we leap because we genuinely love someone; the inertia of the fear of what ifs is more paralyzing than the leap could be damaging. We stand by a spouse or we walk away based on what is right for us and what is right for our kids. We can’t ever really know what compels some political wives to stick around and others to walk away. But we have to believe that it takes two people to make a marriage work and two people to allow it to break.

And about that fairy tale, as a women’s studies minor and feminist protestor outside strip clubs in college (seriously), I enjoy watching my girls get lost into the world of a Disney fairy tale. Why can’t I let them believe there is a Prince for them? Why shouldn’t they think their daddy is my modern-day Prince? Weren’t 3 billion people worldwide glued to the marriage of Kate to William because we love fairy tales?  Maybe Maria tolerated Arnold’s behavior for as long as she felt her children needed her to and then she broke. Maybe the Terminator was Maria’s Prince for as long as she wanted one.

Maybe the real fairy tale is that the story isn’t linear and the Princess gets a few bruises along the way. But she brushes herself off and gets back up. Maybe that’s the real lesson for the kids.