Dear readers –

As I considered the various things to post about today, I carefully weighed the pros and cons of each of my ideas, but felt that something was missing from each of them. And so, I thought more. What stroke of genius can I bring to KT fans today? What other way can I mock someone, expose myself or ridicule the President?

I decided that exposing myself is the way to go. I’ve done enough of it already, so why stop now?

For any other fellow mommy’s out there, I think we can all agree that we have very little left to hide once we’ve birthed a child and breastfed for a while. Really – where has the privacy gone? The reality is this: There is no time for modesty in motherhood.

And so, for your amusement, I will reveal that my obsessive desires to stalk and control every ounce of my daughter’s day, in my absence, have peaked to an all-time high. My watch level is higher than the government’s useless terrorist alert color coding system that no one understands but just creates panic and hysteria in the streets. I’m like a liberal, sane, attractive and not psychotic John Ashcroft up there, people, declaring the alert level is now higher than red. It’s like neon orange. (and for the record, I allow statues with a woman’s exposed bosom to stand behind me when at the podium).

Is it because she’s mobile now?

Is it because she’s more curious about the world and communicating more clearly? Not only can she point out a hat or something that is hot, she also is busting out in Spanish, asking for aqua when thirsty. Clearly she is a baby genius, right?

And so, my obsessive desire to make sure her day is fulfilled, challenging, adventurous and encouraging of her creative spirit, is spilling over into new levels of insanity.

Over the course of the last two weeks, I have found myself second-guessing, questioning and doubting my nanny at every turn.

Fortunately, KT is not stupid. I know that the nanny is the most important person in my life after my child (and my husband, of course. yeah right) – and so I treat her with the utmost kindness and friendship (example: three big gifts for her daughter’s 4th birthday yesterday).

But when she leaves – you better believe I am left wondering, why wasn’t she out in the playroom with darling daughter AGAIN tonight, why is she giving her so much cheese, is she pumping her with cookies instead of fruit, did she read her a book, why was darling daughter crying when I called, she NEVER cries when we are home (yeah, right), and so on and so forth.

After a year of having her come every single day, why have I found myself more obsessed with how she plans out my daughter’s days? I’ve even retired the baby tracker. And yet, I find myself considering a nanny cam (don’t worry, I would never) and encouraging my mom to drop by on unscheduled and ambush style visits.

Where is this coming from?

Is it rooted in my ongoing desire to work less and be home more? And so, the only way I can compensate is by overly obsessing over what happens when I am gone?

Is it stemming from the fact that my darling baby is clearly a toddler now – one with a voracious appetite to learn and explore – and I want to make sure she is being challenged enough?

I really have no idea.

But you can bet your bottom dollar, I am obsessed. It’s sad, but true, dear friends.

Dear Readers –

Kitty-Time is blushing over all the tokens of love and affection her beloved fans sent her on Valentine’s Day! All the notes, the dark chocolate, the beautiful flowers – you really shouldn’t have! I know you think I’m pretty and smart, but those of you who called me “Beauty Queen Yoda,” you really went too far. We barely have any empty vases left chez moi…….

And so, on this day of love, should we discuss all the ways you love moi? All the reasons you love moi? Mais Oui!

Or….shall we discuss being smart in love…..because Kitty-Time readers are not silly, naive women. Mais non! KT readers are savvy and sexy….

I was inspired by Sunday’s Modern Love column in the NYT. Any of you catch it? The columnist covered all the standard mistakes people make in love. My two favs were as follows:

1. People who want to keep a childless marriage although they have children
2. People who believe they should make love like porn stars.

SO let’s get started, kittens.

First up – those of you who are still in denial that your life and marriage is the same, even though you have children. Darlings. Gather round – not only are your life and marriage different, but so are your floppy boobies and flabby abs. I’m making your body sound like bunny characters out of an Easter tale, I’m sure you love it.

But Yes. Yes. Of course you had perfectly round and perky bosoms before. And yes, we all know you had rock-hard Jessica Biel abs. Of course you did. It’s good that you believe that. But you don’t anymore.
With the right bra and the right clothing (think SPANX, girls), you can still give off the impression that you have these things – and that, my dear readers, is what counts! Feeling sexy makes you sexier to anyone around you. It’s all about attitude, cats, so work it! And the more you believe that your boobies look like Jessica Simpson’s and your tummy like Jessica Biel, the more this will become your reality! There’s nothing wrong with that.

But back to your life and marriage. It’s different. Accept it, deal with it, find a routine and a system that still gives you time for each other, don’t fight it and you and your partner will find yourselves lucky in love like you were on your wedding night. If you keep denying the fact that your life is different, if you keep resisting the change that this beautiful babe has brought to your world..well then…sorry……Cupid’s got his golden arrow pointed right for your ass.

Now, as for having a love life like a porn star.
That one makes me laugh out loud.

Kitty-Time is a believer in playing to your strengths and playing to your partner’s strengths.
Has your partner shown that he is like Casanova in the boudoir before?
Do you have all kinds of XXX trixs up your sleeve that you can pull off like a natural?
If so, well then, you do make love like porn stars and it sounds fun!

If not, then quit your crying and wishing he’d become Casanova and instead, focus on his strengths. And yours.

Does he surprise you by making coffee and doing the laundry without you asking?

That’s my kind of Casanova.

Does he remember to get milk on the way home without a whisper from you? Does he just make dinner and take the initiative?
Now you’re talking dirty. It’s getting hot in here…..

Seriously kittens…..KT hopes her dear readers don’t set themselves up for disappointment. If your beloved doesn’t have a track record of surprising you with gifts and flowers, well then, he’s not going to start now. So don’t be disappointed, be realistic on what to expect – and if you’re looking for that white dress and busily planning your wedding….and he hasn’t started those things yet, he sure as hell isn’t going to start once he tears that white gown off you.

And so, dear readers, keep all the mementos of your affection for me coming. I might be blushing, but I love it.

Have a fabulous day of love. Love yourself, love your babies, and remember – play to your strengths and Cupid’s Arrow will keep hitting your home and your heart.