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Category Archives: Preschool

Life with a 3-year-old: Welcome to the Year of the Rat

April 30, 2012

Much has been documented about life with a three-year-old. Personally, I’ve written about how the only conceivable answer to why I don’t leave for 365 days is that I suffer from Stockholm Syndrome because what else can rationally explain living life under the cruel regime of a small and unpredictable dictator?

Other times, I marvel over her still-chubby arms and dread the day she has an actual wrist instead of a Michelin Man arm. The charm of hearing her pronounce her S’s with her tongue creating a sweet lisp noise as it presses against her front teeth and she waxes on about her love for “Sphider Man,” could make anyone forget the insane breakdown that just happened 2.3 seconds prior or is about to erupt in 12 seconds.

But it isn’t until you are into toddlerhood that you realize something else: They are rats.

No no. Not snitches. In my house, that’s the older one.

The human species at three exhibits many characteristics shared only by the rat. I know this because I am a world renown scientist. C’est vrai. Oh. And a human behavior specialist. And an early childhood educator.

Or I’m just super good at sounding like one.

What do I mean, you ask, all aghast that I’m telling you that your kid is cousins with that rat you’re trying to trap out back?

Remember these scenes?

The Bubonic Plague

Why no..you probably weren’t in England in the Middle Ages as the Bubonic Plague swept across Europe. HOWEVER life with a 3-year-old means life with constant disease. They are nothing if not incubators and spreaders of all sorts of nasty illnesses. Look closely at that poor sad couple slumped down in the foreground. It’s totally you – probably like 3 weeks ago.

You know you’ve lived with a three-year-old when at least one holiday has been spent vomiting the entire time. We’ve been lucky enough to have two of those. The first time, our gift to my entire family on Christmas eve was the highly contagious norovirus.

Merry Christmas family! We brought the rat! We offer you a quick way to drop 5 pounds before New Year’s Eve.

#You’reWelcome. No need to send a Thank You note this year. Really, I insist.

This past year, we were quarantined to our own separate table over Thanksgiving dinner because the day started with puking again. Naturally.

Next year’s invite might read: You’re invited, leave the rats out back. And please wear your HAZMAT suit the entire time so as to keep your inevitable disease contained:

Pass the gravy, not whatver disease your kid is inevitably harboring right now. Happy Holidays.

Come to think of it, that suit might come in handy beyond the holidays. How about all those times the apparently “potty trained” 3-year-old craps their pants? My favorite is when she pees her pants while we’re standing in the bathroom.

Really?

You really didn’t know 1 second ago when I brought you in here, that you had to use the facilities?

#WhyGodWhy

Not long ago, I learned that some idiot parents at a preschool called the Department of Health on the preschool and complained it wasn’t clean enough because their kid was getting sick all the time. This story is endlessly amusing to me. Had these ahole parents never once ever come across a 3-year-old in their life until they had one?? Or better yet, were they the jerks who assumed every other parent did something wrong, like I don’t know, bathe their kid in illness, and continuously forget to wash their grubby little hands, because why else would that kid be sick so much?

#Idiots

So what other characteristics do 3-year-olds share with rats?

Hoarding and thieving things to retrieve for their nest. Specifically the hoarding of a totally random assortment of teeny tiny small plastic toys, that rotate in favorability and importance with no clear warning or obvious reasoning. My favorite part of this hoarding characteristic, which includes carefully guarding said items and squirreling them away in their room and random bags, is keeping track of these 2 inch items.

Because you know, they never get lost. Exhibit A: the world’s smallest rhino and the world’s happiest blue plastic bunny. I rue the day they entered my life.

How quickly can I make these guys disappear?

When the tiny toy flavor of the week leaves the rat’s nest, it is the adult human who bears sole responsibility for keeping an eye on said toy and ensuring its safe return to the nest. This agreement is not even a verbal agreement. Consider it part of the mind-reading terms you agreed too upon birthing this child, after hosting it in your uterus for 10 long months. If you defy the terms of this agreement because your brain dare crowd with other more pressing thoughts, the wrath of the rat will wreak havoc on your life. David beat Goliath. This is the modern day tale. During the year of the rat, the rat-human child will inevitably wear you down; you will find yourself scouring a park, the playroom, the bedroom, the laundry machine, anywhere you can deseperately think you might relocate the world’s smallest lost toy, as fear ricochets through your body. Your blood turns cold in ancitipation of the epic meltdown that awaits you in the very near future.

#NotAgain

As for the thievery part of this phase of life, my best advice is, if a 3-year-old has entered your home, pat them down before leaving because odds are they’ve located more of the world’s smallest plastic toys and carefully placed them somewhere on their person or in the backpack of “treasures” they insisted on bringing to the outing.

Desperate times call for desperate measures in the year of rat. As a well regarded scientist myself, even moi can’t shed any light on why the small rat-human favors small toys and hoarding them in this third year of life.

You will never win.

Accept it for what it is.

Am I missing any of the rat-like characteristics of the 3-year-old? Chime in.

In the mean time, if you’ve got a rat living in your home, my best advice: Dust off your hazmat suit, prepare to ruin a few holidays, hunt down some magnifying glasses and don’t forget to take your vitamins.

For more survival tips on the Year of the Rat, and general hilarity, be sure to “Like” the Wired Momma Facebook page.

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Preschool, Toddler Antics

Cloud of Confusion

March 5, 2012

“Mommy, I collected $100 for Pennies for Patients for my class!” exclaims my daughter as she bounds off the bus one day.

“Really?” I say skeptically, realizing that even though she hit up her grandparents and her aunts and uncles over brunch for spare change and extra dollars for the school fundraising cause, it seems highly unlikely that she even scourged together $20 in that small little collection box.

I'm thinking it's time to refine my technique?

“Are you sure you collected $100?” I follow-up with.

“MOM! I SAID I collected $15!” she declares indignantly.

“Okay, great. That sounds right, I’m sure that will help your class win the Pizza Party. $15 is great!”

“MOM – why aren’t you listening! Mrs. Parker said maybe it was $14.”

Does she have a future in accounting, like her father, I begin to wonder. As she runs me in circles with her tales of fundraising, I start to wonder if I’m the only parent that can’t get a story straight with a six-year-old. Or maybe she is right and I am the one who is confused here. She seems so confident in her responses…

Then there’s the three-year-old. She is further proof that I am failing in my ability to retrieve substantive information. Or rather, perhaps the truth is, how we define substantive information is defined quite differently.

“Why did you go poopie in your pants?” I asked her recently when she had an accident despite being months past that point.

“Because I went poopie in my pants,” she matter-of-factly states.

“Why did you cry at school today?” I ask her when I picked her up from preschool and her teacher noted she got emotional.

“Because I cried,”‘ she responds plainly.

“Why did you wake up before the sun got up today?”

“Because I waked up,” she says, almost annoyed that I am wasting everyone’s time with such lame questions.

WHY do I keep asking WHY? And yet I do. I fall for it every time.

Here we are, knee-deep in the three-year-old phase of responding to a question by re-stating the question. And the six-year-old phase of fooling you into thinking they know what they are talking about but really they don’t, they just have more language skills than a three-year-old, so you start to actually believe they do know. Something. Anything.

Here’s my other favorite with the ~~Kindergartener~~ Teen in Training:

“Who did you sit next to at lunch today?”

“I don’t remember,” she says with an annoyed tone.

“Okay, well, who did you play with during recess?”

“I don’t remember,” she repeats again, totally ignoring moi.

“Umm, should I take you to the doctor because these things just happened 3 hours ago and you should probably be able to remember.”

“MOM! NO!”

Then I revise my strategy. Perhaps it’s my fault, I am approaching the questions the wrong way, let me ask more specific questions, by first warming her up.

“Did you like your lunch today?”

“Yes.”

Okay, I am thinking, so she doesn’t suffer from amnesia. She DOES, in fact, remember eating lunch, well enough to know she liked it.

“Did you have reading groups today?”

“Yes.”

Okay, more specific questions work with a six-year-old, I am feeling victorious, I am making progress, I am showing interest in her day and placing an importance on her education by asking her questions. The experts should be SO proud of me.

“What did you read during reading groups, was it interesting?”

“Mom, I don’t remember.”

STONEWALLED at six.

Given answers by re-stating the question at 3.

I am raising a politician and living with a teen, apparently.

Tell me I am not alone.

To learn top secret interrogation techniques that are proven to work, and other such parenting tricks, be sure to “Like” the WM FB page.

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Life with 2 kids, Motherhood, Preschool

Getting Ready for Preschool?

December 19, 2011

Kidville U Fun!

Last week I had the pleasure of attending the Kidville Open House in Bethesda. I was so delighted that the famed New York franchise moved its DC location from Rockville Pike to the way more convenient downtown Bethesda. Until last week, I just didn’t have a chance to get in there and check it out. I went with the intent of exploring class options for my 3-year-old now that we are staring down the doldrum cold days of winter but was delighted to learn about the Kidville University Preschool program they also offer. My youngest is already enrolled in preschool but if she were just 2, I would be all over the Kidville U program. Beyond a tour of the lovely and very clean, kid-friendly facility, I had a chance to speak with Anjali Varma, the franchise owner of Bethesda’s Kidville. Avid readers of WM know that I delight in meeting up with local moms who have changed the path of their business careers and found a new direction after having kids. Anjali falls into that category. After business school and many years working for a large company, she decided her direction was different once she had her two sons, now 4 and 1.5, and took a leap of faith to be the franchise owner of Kidville. What appeals to me about the Kidville U program for the younger ones is the gradual separation element – so once you feel your child is ready – you can leave – and then you can go enjoy yourself in downtown Bethesda and relish in some peace and quiet! Beyond the Kidville U, as many of you probably know, there is a host of amazing classes offered at Kidville for babies from 0-6 months all the way up to 6-years-old (I am excited to try out the Rockin Railroad class with my 3-year-old next month), along with some open gym opportunities for members and a conveniently located place to get your kids haircut…in the lobby of Kidville, in some totally awesome car chairs. Anjali also offers parenting seminars including CPR classes, sleep training and coming soon, a home organization class, for parents. You can find more information out about Kidville and upcoming programs on their blog.

If you are interested in exploring a pre-school alternative program, I’d urge you to look into the one at Kidville, here is some more information about it, the new semester begins January 9:

Kidville University, Kidville’s pre-school alternative program, is a gradual separation program for ages 2.0-3.3 years. The class meets two hours per day, twice a week. (M/W or T/Th 9:30-11:30 am)

Children currently 22 months – 3.1 years old will be eligible for the KVU program for Winter ’12 and registration is in full swing!

KVU® The Kidville University (KVU) program guides toddlers through social skills within a playful setting as they transition to school.The class offers a curriculum that stimulates their natural curiosity as they explore new ideas. Play centers such as blocks, dramatic play, a book corner, sensory and art, small and big-muscle play encourage young children to touch, try, and think creatively.

Activities in this stimulating two-hour class include: group welcome, circle songs and music, storytelling, large and small group activities, art and sensory play, as well as science and math exploration. Each class includes 30 minutes of gym time. Appropriate transitions between activities allow your child to recognize and become familiar with the structure of the day, and to look forward to the next activity.

Focusing on the relationships between physical, social/emotional, language, cognitive, and artistic development, the KVU philosophy and approach teaches children appropriate social skills needed for school and life. A small teacher-child ratio ensures individualized attention and a caring lap for each child as he or she makes the first transitions to separation and builds trusting relationships with his or her teachers.

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Preschool

Of Lice and Ladies

December 16, 2010

This is a disturbing and cautionary tale….a tale about how nasty things happen to clean (though not necessarily organized) people. A tale so traumatizing that it’s taken me months to work up the energy to re-live it and want to share it…..

All those die-hard fans of mine know that one of my core parenting beliefs is this – if you think it won’t happen to you – think again, cause it will and probably worse than you imagined.

When it comes to today’s topic, lice, I orbited that happy planet where if I put DD1s coat in the dryer and changed her clothes and kept her hair dirty (some say lice don’t like dirty hair), then it wouldn’t happen to us. I didn’t need to check her head, I just needed to follow a few steps during the school year.

Ahh…to be young and naive again……

We survived three years of preschool where lice infested classmates, the classroom, the school, but somehow we came away unscathed. I should have known our number was up. So fast forward to the careless summer, a time where mornings are relaxing, schedules are flexible and Pepco struggles to keep our electricity on every time it rains. Ain’t life grand?

DD1 finished a week of summer camp and three days later, she started itching her head. See, in preschool, there are warnings…notes come home, moms whisper in hushed tones about who has lice, you stare at those kids for evidence that they are dirty, their homes are dirty, their parents slobs, you toss your kid’s coat in the dryer at the end of the day, and all is well. But in random summer camps, there is no warning, there are no notes, no hushed tones in the playground, it’s just you against beast. A nasty, horrible fight.

So DD1 starts itching her head like a madwoman and I tell her to put some baby powder on her neck, it must be prickly heat.

Solid parenting 101 over here, right?

We head off to the beach, spend a week at my mom’s house (whoops….sorry mom) and DD1 keeps on itching. My mom was a school nurse for years, she begins to suspect “he who shall not be named”, so we “check” and just see what clearly MUST BE specs of sand. My kid doesn’t have lice! WE aren’t dirty, she’s cute, she’s clean, she’s well taken care of, she doesn’t live in squalor, she’s vacationing on the beach – she must be HOT. It is the hottest summer on record, right?

Another week goes by. I start getting frustrated, yes, with a four-year-old, and I bark at her to stop itching because she’s making her “prickly heat” worse.

Oh yes, yes I did that. My mom checked, I figured, she’d know what to look for, and besides, no one sent an email around from camp alerting us about any lice infestations. Denial is the first sign, friends.

Some more time goes by…..isn’t that wonderful? We are a veritable breeding ground at this point…..memos are being sent to other louse…come one, come all, these people are IDIOTS and this head of hair is thick and warm and cozy……and this poor kid keeps getting barked at by her good-for-nothing mother about her prickly heat! Hot headed and idiots…these lice are thinking…….just the kind of place we like to nest….

Then one evening, I decide that the itching has seriously gone on too long, is it time to see a dermatologist, I wonder, and what do I see, but bugs, HOPPING, through her hair, practically doing a jig.

Apparently it’s not time to see a doctor but instead time to buy some RID.

The rest of this tale is not funny or really even that interesting….it just involves an absurd amount of washing, washing and more washing, hair combing through, a hefty bill to the lice lady (yes, there are people out there whose livelihoods it is to remove all lice and louse and nits from heads), more washing and more hair combing through. My kid will now wear her hair up in pig tails, something she’d never agreed to before, all I have to do is make the threat “Do you want those bugs to come back?”

And for anyone paying attention and living in fear, yes, we all had it, me, my husband, the baby, and DD1 – all four of us. When you give lice a few weeks, turns out they know how to spread.

The moral in this classic tale – denial is a bad bad thing and just creates more work. I now orbit reality, not that happy planet of denial. I operate defensively, I assume at least one kid in her class has lice at all times, I don’t let her put her coat on a hook (never in a million years), she’s not allowed to play dress-up at school (sure, mock me, but you can come do my laundry next time it happens – we have plenty of dress up at home), she’s never allowed to get on another kid’s bed at playdates, I comb her hair through 2x a day with the licemeister comb and keep her hair up or tied back every day at school.

The thing about lice is this, it doesn’t cause illness, it is almost impossible to see (until you are a complete idiot like me and have bugs hopping happily around), and you can live in your house thinking things are peachy keen for quite a while – so it’s just a hassle. It’s a gross, nasty hassle and lice are definitely not pro-environment given the volume of laundry they create and trash bags of bagged stuffed animals they waste.

Speaking off, stuffed animals could be an entirely different entry, take a look around your house…see all those friendly soft critters, every single one of them is a lice breeding ground….and you don’t realize how many you have until your kid has lice.

So in the end, what did I learn? No matter how clean you are, how nice your house is, lice is an equal opportunity offender and never harbor feelings of ill will towards parents of kids who bring lice to school or your house….cause you never know when you’re going to be walking in those miserable shoes………oh….and comb through the kids hair 2x a day.

Feeling itchy yet?

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Lice, Life with 2 kids, Motherhood, Preschool, Uncategorized