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Ashley Judd’s Puffy Smackdown & Me

April 16, 2012

“What happened to her face?” I asked my husband, as I nestled into our warm couch to watch the guilty pleasure-ridiculousness that is “Missing” – otherwise known to me as Jason Bourne for moms.

Then came the next week.

“Seriously, why does she look like that? Why is her face so puffy?” I asked out loud – again – receiving no response. I was mystified.

Then another week came and went, and I was still watching Jason Bourne for moms….as much for the beautiful scenery throughout Europe of places and cities I’d rather be right now – in this very moment – as for the Ashley Judd turns Jason Bourne excitement. “Okay, is it me or is she so puffy?” I asked him again. Clearly I wasn’t letting this one go.

“Well, she doesn’t quite look like Jennifer Garner in Alias, so maybe that’s part of it,” he finally answered, acknowledging my petty questions all these weeks.

The ground suddenly shifted beneath him as my powerful feminist self floated above the sofa and breathed fire upon the sexist man who dare insult woman-kind everywhere. Is this the man I married, thought moi, as visions of my former-hardcore feminist self protesting outside of strip clubs in college, flooded my brain.

In record time, my own personal criticisms of Ashley Judd’s face conveniently escalated from being snarky and obnoxious, to rage against the male patriarchy that has the nerve to judge a beautiful woman because she isn’t 20 years old anymore.

“Hey ageist, sexist jerk, she’s like almost 50 years old and looks amazing, how dare you compare her to Jennifer Garner in 2004! That is SO RUDE,” I huffed.

Apparently double-standards do not make for two-way streets chez moi.

C’est vrai. Ain’t life grand for Mr. Wired Momma?

Then last week came word from the Ms. Ashley Judd herself about her puffy face. I eagerly read it on the Daily Beast’s web site and posted it on my WM FB page. I didn’t really have a comment for it because I wasn’t sure how to process it but I felt it should be shared anyway. In part because I was hoping someone else would help me reconcile it all in my head.

Then I kept thinking about it.

Without acknowledging my own hypocrisy to Mr. Wired Momma (how dare he get that satisfaction), I mulled her words about female bodies, the harsh judgment we all place on them and then her point that patriarchy is not just perpetuated by men- but actually women because we willfully participate in mean and hateful comments about other women’s bodies. I wondered why I was so thrown off by her puffy appearance and why I cared.

Truly, why was I so curious about her face? But still, somehow, I wasn’t fully on board with Ashley Judd’s essay. Despite my minor in women’s studies.

Then I read Alexandra Petri’s column about it in the Washington Post over the weekend and snarky and flippant as she might be, I have to say, she put her finger on what wasn’t sitting right with me this whole time – Ashley Judd is an actress and she is judged not just for her acting skill but for her beauty.

Like it or not.

And we don’t just do this to women, we do it to male actors.

His thinner years...photo came from: http://wrathofmom.blogspot.com/2011/08/fifteen.html

Think back to the glory years of Friends…..don’t tell me we all weren’t tracking Chandler Bing’s bloated druggie face and body – that he not-so-carefully hid behind those sweet sweater vests. Just as an example. We judge male and female actors for their appearances. Tell me – would meme’s from Jason Alexander go viral with the speed they do from Ryan Gosling?

It ain’t because of Ryan Gosling’s personality.

Petri’s words were harsh but in my efforts at being brutally honest, which is partly why you love moi and WM, I have to say I do take them less seriously coming from an actress because I am all but certain there are plenty of women out there who are equally as talented as Ashley Judd but never stood a chance in a cold day in hell because they weren’t thin enough or as beautiful. Her beauty opened doors for her and made her millions – not just her talent – so she’s going to be judged for it – by women and men.

Would you email around some "Hey Girl" meme's from him? Photo Credit: http://www.nndb.com/people/714/000024642/

I do, however, fall back on her words and questions as to why women are so keen to judge each other. We are our own harshest critics and we buy the gossip mags criticizing each other – not men. Or at least not many men.

And most importantly, what does this mean for our own kids? THAT is what is important about this dialogue. I couldn’t really care less that an actress’ feelings are hurt but I do think she raises important points about our culture. None of them new points but still important ones.

Ashley Judd’s manifesto serves this purpose: to compel me to do better about not talking about other women’s appearances so that my kids don’t mimic this behavior. Our weight goes up, our weight goes down, does it matter? No. Is it anyone’s business? No.

When I was pregnant, I was so appreciative any time someone told me I looked good, even if I knew they were lying through their teeth, because I wanted that affirmation. Then I had my baby and well, I didn’t look good. And when people would come see me after I had her and they would say nothing, it would only affirm what I already thought about my appearance.

What a ridiculous waste of time, I have since concluded now that I haven’t been pregnant for a few years. I’ve made a personal pact to not comment on how a pregnant woman appears or how she looks after she’s given birth. It isn’t relevant. Does she have on amazing shoes? A great dress? A super stylish new haircut?

Then I’ll say something.

How her body looks doesn’t need public commentary.

Because I don’t want my girls seeking this out. And my personal pact isn’t just about pregnant women or new moms, it’s about all of my friends. Or frenemies. Or even enemies. Cause I have a lot of those, naturally.

Look, the point is, let’s just stop talking about our bodies. And even stop buying magazine covers that are headlining articles about the great shrinking celebrity new mom’s body or the great enormous size of Jessica Simpson’s pregnant body. Let’s keep the focus more on Ms. Piggy’s Moi Loves Moi and less on “Moi’s body doesn’t look so much like Jennifer Garner’s in a one-piece hot suit from Alias.”

Sure it does. Believe it sister. Cause our kids deserve to think this way. This goes for mothers of boys just as much as mothers of girls.

So that’s how I made Ashley Judd’s essay on herself, about moi.

As for Mr. Wired Momma….he’s still in the doghouse for being a jerk about it.

For more tips on yelling at husbands for affirming what you’ve been saying for weeks…and other such wisdom, “like” the Wired Momma FB page. It’s a happy place where everyone has an amazing body and great accessories. Moi Loves Moi.

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Motherhood

Parenting Hierarchy…it’s there….don’t deny it

April 12, 2012

“Whatever, you’re not a real parent until you have more than one kid,” shamelessly dead-panned a good friend of mine a few weeks ago over happy hour.

Familiar to you? Especially coming off spring break.....

A few other moms totally laughed and agreed.

This particular friend was relaying a stressful drive with her two girls and a co-worker, who has one kid, while her two girls fought mercilessly in the back seat. And the single child quietly read a book. She eventually had to pull over and lay into her kids…right around K Street…during rush hour.

We’ve all been there. And little can raise your blood pressure like two siblings unleashing on each other over absolutely nothing. In this particular instance, one girl was holding her face inches from her sister’s face yet stating, factually, that she wasn’t touching her.

#AreWeThereYet

But what do parents of just one kid say about the statement that they aren’t “real parents” – probably “F you, I’ve got my hands full” – right?

Lord knows when I had my first, I thought my whole world was caving in and I could barely get a meal on the table with one little 6 week old. By the time I had my second, I wondered what in the world was the big effing deal the first time around, a newborn has nothing on a 3-year-old. Right?

So then there are parents with 3 kids or 4 kids…..I’m sure they’re all looking at people with two kids thinking it’s a joke because we’re luxuriously handling man-on-man defense while they’re in the Zone. Let’s cut to the chase, however, once you get beyond 4 kids, we’re all pretty much judging you and wondering what in the world you were thinking or smoking to compel you to have that many kids.

#NoThanks

Or how about the people who have the kids super close together – they know they’re being gossiped about and people are wondering what they were on when they made that decision. A good friend of mine with 3 kids, all under the age of 5, basically accepted that she was Slutty Mom at her girls’ preschool for the duration of her pregnancy with the third because the youngest two would be 15 months apart when baby was born. She probably was right.

#MomWhore

Right now, over in Wired Momma Land, I see a woman with a 3-year-old at preschool and she is always carrying a baby, presumably her own, who I guess to be about 9 months, yet she also looks to be about 9 months pregnant.

I stare. I judge. I struggle (with great difficulty) to do the math in my head. Could she have a 9 month old and be 9 months pregnant? Could it be a small 11 month old? What if she’s just really big because it’s her third kid and so she’s really only 6 months along?

Any way you slice it, I actually don’t think of her as Slutty Mom, I just wonder: did gazing into the sweet eyes of a two-week-old (who never sleeps) tempt her so?

#IsThatPossible?

Or is she one of those unlucky people who thought she was safe because she was nursing and got pregnant the first time she had sex after the baby was born?

#NursingDoesn’tMeanYouAreSafe

To say that I am fascinated would be an understatement.

But why do we care? What difference does it make?

Who knows but whether it’s spoken or unspoken – there is a parenting hierarchy and we size each other up.

On really bad days, I see people leisurely out with one kid and I am probably part jealous and part thinking they really aren’t real parents. Even though I had never processed it that way until my friend said it. I’ve already admitted to judging someone who has a bunch of kids, especially super close together in age, and don’t tell me you parents of three kids or four kids – that you don’t look at the rest of us, especially in our non-Minivan sweet rides (ha ha – kidding) – and think we’ve got it easy.

Judgy Judge Judge Judge.

We LOVE to do it.

Jolie Pitt children...the most discussed celebrity large family

How about parents of twins? Where do they fit in here? You know they’re looking at new moms with one baby and thinking their life is a joke. Personally I get annoyed when parents of twins complain to me – because last count – I still have two kids who also make demands and run in different directions and wake up at night.

Think about the Jolie Pitt clan….they have the one-two punch of a ton of kids and twins….even with more money than God to fund nannies and staff, we still talk about it. Recall there was a time when people speculated that Angie was addicted to motherhood.

#I’mNot

Don’t tell me I am alone here.

There is absolutely a parenting hierarchy but my guess is, we each fancy ourselves, on top.

Thoughts as you’re pulling out of the preschool parking lot?

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Life with 2 kids, Motherhood, Uncategorized

Beware the Moonbounce: Parental Torture Device in Disguise

April 4, 2012

Ahh….moonbounce….giant inflatable parental torture device…..how naive I was to your ways when we first met.

How unprepared I was for the blood pumping, heart racing, stress inducing powers you wield behind that inviting mesh door and bouncy facade.

A Parent's Friend or Foe?

How blinded I was by your large happy slide.

How distracted I was by your ability to burn off my crazy children’s energy and make them glee with delight.

So naive.

So unsuspecting.

So unprepared.

Is anyone ready for the reality of a moon bounce? How could I have ever been so unprepared for the possible outcomes that accompany a large jumping device that encourages small children to jump, bounce, fall, and generally act crazy?

But see – it’s not so much the children and their unwillingness to ever leave said parental torture device that presents the greatest challenge to moi – it’s the other parents or caretakers hovering around or IN the moon bounce that leave me fraught with stress, anger and frankly, in yesterday’s instance, RAGE.

Pure Wired Momma rage. I should bottle it up.

C’est vrai.

You’ll have to tell me what you think of what happened yesterday – will you be Team Wired Momma or Team Grandma? And if you’re Team Grandma, please, seriously – weigh in – because I want to know. I promise I won’t unleash my bottled WM rage on your doorstep.

Even though I left the moon bounce with my blood boiling all the way down through to my toes….

As we’re in spring break and generally taking it easy, on Tuesday I found myself at Montgomery Mall with my 2 girls, ages 3 and 6. We really had no plan and no place to be, so we made our way over to Bubble Bounce adjacent to the kids play area. I’ve gone a few times with my youngest and it’s pretty much always empty, sparing me of much of the Moonbounce drama that is inevitable at larger gatherings like say, Butler’s Orchard at Halloween Time. (nightmare – I’m talking to you, parents, who use the Moonbounce as your own personal babysitter while small children wait in unnecessarily long lines to have a turn because you don’t make your kid get out.)

Per the usual, the place was mostly empty but my youngest was squealing with glee because she finally had her older sister there to jump and play with. The girls were getting their shoes off and prepping for some hardcore jumping when I noticed a Grandmother enter with her 18 month old granddaughter in the stroller and inquire if there is an age requirement. The women at the front desk just noted if she’s comfortable with it, then by all means, go right ahead – just sign this waiver here.

A bit later, my girls were jumping in the extra-large Dora/Diego moon bounce and that grandmother was in the moon bounce with her 18 month old. Any time either of my girls jumped within proximity of her grandkid, she made eyes at me – like “get them away from my kid”

I just glared back. Her kid isn’t my problem, and my girls were doing what one does in a moon bounce – which is jump. Please, weigh in now if you disagree with me. I think we can all see now where this story is headed…..

Soon after my girls ditched that one for another moonbounce and frankly I was a little relieved.

Nearing the end of our 30 minute session, they decided to head back into Dora/Diego to test it out again. This time Grandma was in the way back of the moonbounce with her grandkid. My girls ended up that way – jumping past them (why must children gravitate to each other in one square inch of an otherwise 40 foot moonbounce?) – and Grandma says loudly to my 6-year-old “Be careful!” as she passed by the grandkid.

Immediately, like the grizzly mama that I am – I am on ALERT because my 6-year-old’s job is NOT to worry about her grandkid. Now – don’t get me wrong – of course she knows to be careful when babies are around and to let them go first, not push them, etc etc — but if you are in a moonbounce then you know that children are going to ….JUMP…around you.

Now I was on high alert because who was following my 6-year-old but my admittedly high energy 3-year-old who absolutely does not give a shit about a baby. She isn’t going to try to hurt a baby but she absolutely is not going to take an extra precaution because there’s a baby around her. She’s three.

As she is happily jumping right past the baby, this grandmother raises her voice at my 3-year-old – not quite shouting but one decimel below it – and says “BE CAREFUL THERE IS A BABY RIGHT HERE”

Imagine the camera panning to my face…surely it flushed bright red with seething anger as I very firmly and angrily barked across this enormous Moonbounce to my new enemy
DO.

NOT.

RAISE YOUR VOICE

AT MY KID!

If only I had Gumby arms, they would have practically been wrapped around her neck by then.

I could feel the blood boiling seriously all the way to my toes.

This woman barks back at me “She is just a baby, they need to be careful!”

I was FURIOUS. I said “Excuse me, my kid is also little, she is three, and need I remind you that you are IN A MOONBOUNCE where children jump!”

Then suddenly, out of Diego’s backpack turned into life boat, another Mother pops up – I didn’t even see her there – it’s like I am Dora-Diego hell. This woman is holding ANOTHER 18 month old.

How could there be TWO of them there?
And she pipes up in defense of Grandma, barking back at me “She’s not yelling at your kid but when there are babies, they need to be careful.”

Clearly I’ve got no dog in this fight and as I am raging mad, I’m considering the example I’m supposed to be setting for my kids and I’m wondering if I could be in the wrong here – are they right? Is it my 3-year-old’s responsibility to worry about babies in a moonbounce?

Or is it their responsibility to PICK UP THEIR BABY when they see other kids coming their way if they are worried about the outcome?

Team Grandma or Team Wired Momma?

Fortunately our 30 minutes were up, so I had an easy out, which was to corral the girls out of the moonbounce and leave but if you know me, you know I wasn’t leaving them with the last word and I huffed “When you opt to go into a moonbounce, you invite children to bounce around you, that’s what it’s here for.”

Then as luck would have it, my precious, innocent angel of a 3-year-old chose that moment to throw an epic tantrum, complete with Speedy Gonzales running legs as I’m lifting her out of the moonbounce and her old favorite tactic – the try to claw mommy’s face because I am so mad but I refuse to use my words – fit.

Ahh…spring break bliss…..and proof that my demon child was out to hurt their babies……..

Thank you moonbounce.

So – what say you – of the politics of Moonbounce Spring Break 2012? Team Grandma or Team WM?

And am I alone in this tortured relationship with the Moonbounce?

For more on parental torture devices, be sure to “Like” the Wired Momma Facebook page.

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Life with 2 kids, Motherhood, Uncategorized

Honest Conversations in a World that isn’t Genderless & Oblivious to Race

March 26, 2012

Look, I had a few ideas for blog posts today. Let’s be honest, most of them were silly and kind of absurd. Then I read my friend Amanda’s piece, she writes over at Parenting by Dummies, and well, it seemed that it’s time to just talk about her post.

Our headlines have been bombarded with ugly words and uncomfortable conversations lately. How long did we debate whether or not Sandra Fluke is

Source: absolutelymadness.tumblr.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

a slut because she dared voice an opinion about birth control?

Then Trayvon Martin was gunned down and we all started shifting uncomfortably in our seats. We might have an African American president but we still aren’t comfortable with race. Just like we aren’t totally comfortable with women’s sexual freedom and place in business.

Last week’s horrific news of Trayvon Martin hit closer to home because he was still a child at 17. I’ve been thinking to myself lately how lucky I feel that my girls are still so young that I don’t need to answer difficult questions yet on why women’s reproductive rights are so easily called into question in this day and age. But when an innocent kid gets killed, it becomes murkier because it’s about a kid.

Then I read Amanda’s story, about her bi-racial adorable 4th grader being called a Nigger by his classmates. Suddenly the uncomfortable conversations are right in her lap. They are raging in her mind and she is torn between wanting to unleash on this asshole kid who would say something so hurtful to her own son while questioning her own self – how do you talk to your kids about this stuff, how do you prepare them for ugly words hurled at them? How do you teach them to react?

And further, this isn’t just about Amanda’s kid. It’s not just about the ugly words this other kid learned at home to relay to her son, it’s about how we all teach our kids to behave in school and in life.

I love this post that talks about forgetting the label bully and instead teaching our kids to be heroes. We need to lose the negative labeling and praise the positive behavior.

It doesn’t offer any answers for Amanda and it doesn’t tell you how to talk to your kids about ugly words but it still starts a conversation about the kinds of behavior we want to see from our own kids, which I think is just as important.

“Like” the Wired Momma Facebook page to keep up with all sorts of topics….I’m off to a panel discussion on work-life balance…you can count on some topics on this subject later this week. It never gets old.

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Motherhood