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What do you hang your hat on?

November 16, 2007

Tomorrow we are hosting a 2nd birthday party for our daughter. For so many reasons, I love having a 2 year old. She is very communicative, she is tons of fun and a joker, her personality is in full blossom right now and she’ll be excited about her own party.

At the same time, I find myself thinking that I just can’t believe she’s already 2. Like how is it possible? She was born at 8:13am and on the day of her actual birthday, will I ever not stop at that time and just feel myself back in that moment – the arrival of her into this world? I mean – I am just stunned silent when I think about how much has changed in the past two years and how quickly it’s all happened. How did it fly by so fast?

Meanwhile, over in the other corner of my brain, I’ve noticed that I have been very emotional lately about working full-time. Ever since I returned to work from maternity leave, I’ve made my peace with the fact that some days are just harder than others. Sometimes it takes every ounce of strength that I have to get my foot in the car and turn the engine on and leave. Admittedly, there are other days when I am very grateful to come to work and just have a break but for whatever reason, lately it’s just been more difficult.

On days when it’s particularly hard, I get by on the fact that I still don’t yet have a choice, financially, to not work and my job provides the income and health benefits that my family needs, so I keep plugging away. But I feel like we all need something to hang our hat on, so I hang my hat on the knowledge that this won’t always be the case. That within the next few years, I will have a choice financially, of which I am very grateful, and know that I will then make a decision.

But see – what I’m wondering is this – I’ve been back to work full-time for 21 months, I came back when my daughter was 13 weeks old. So why, 21 months into this routine, am I having such trouble lately?

Well, it hit me like a ton of bricks finally this morning. Because I just cannot believe that she’s 2. I cannot believe how much she has changed and grown and I am wrapped up in how much of that I might have missed by being at work.

Yes, yes, I know that there are people who believe that it is so good for children, especially girls, to see their mom get dressed up and go to work every day. It sets an example.

And yes, I know that my time with her is precious and I am completely devoted to her when I am home and she is well-adjusted and happy and confident in her place in the world and how important she is to me and my husband. I get all that.

But it still doesn’t change the fact that 5 days a week, for too many hours a day, I am not with her and all of a sudden she is 2 and if it happened so fast already, she’ll be 4 in a blink of an eye – and is work really that important?

So at the end of the day, I continue to struggle with getting in the car and going off to work and suspect that this feeling probably never goes away. So I hang my hat on knowing that nothing is permanent, that I have no idea what I’ll be doing in another 2 years.

And while I’m hanging my hat on this future reality, I find myself wondering what other moms hang their hat on?

Whether you work full-time, part time or are a stay-at-home mom, it seems to me that the reality of parenthood is that there is always something – there is always something that is challenging us, keeping us up at night, or tugging at our heart strings – and we have to hang our hat on something knowing that in the end – it will be fine – otherwise how do you get through a day? So, what do you hang your hat on?

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Motherhood, Work

Does just age define toddlerhood?

November 14, 2007

This is the question I found myself wondering after a particularly difficult morning with a grumpy toddler and non-cooperative husband. Is it just age that defines someone as a toddler? Or is it behavior?

Because if it’s behavior then I’m inclined to go out on a limb and suggest that the American husband is fighting in the ring with a 2 year old to be named World’s Heavy Weight Championing Toddler, on some days.

Does anyone else agree with me?

Do the following behaviors sound familiar? And if so, can you pass the pop quiz and answer which person in the household behaves this way, toddler or husband:

1. Resisting rules.

2. Acting out when questioned why breaking the rules.

3. Getting mad about going pee pee on the potty (ha ha – I’m throwing you a bone with one easy one because it’s still early)

4. Not wanting to eat breakfast at the table but rather on the couch in front of the TV (now that’s a trick question if I’ve ever seen one).

5. Taking off clothes and just leaving them wherever he/she feels like it in whatever room he/she is in. (another difficult one)

If you find yourself thinking you could answer both toddler and husband for at least two of the above five questions, then my friends, I think we can all agree that there are times when the husband and the toddler are going neck-and-neck for who has perfected the best toddler-isms.

Now, I’ll throw the husband a bone – they have had more years to perfect such behaviors than our little ones, so really, they ought to be better at it, right?

But see, my question is WHY.

For the love of God, WHY do our husbands insist upon making our lives more difficult on certain days? As if managing a grumpy 2-year old in the midst of potty training isn’t enough of a challenge before 8am, why must we also have to find ourselves reprimanding our husbands?

I believe the following threat came out of my mouth this morning “If you refuse to consistently help me discipline her one more time, you are making dinner every day for a month or there’s no dinner.”

I mean – honestly. Why does it have to come to this, I found myself wondering as I contemplated if it would have been more effective if I had threatened no sex? These are not things I want to hear coming out of my mouth directed at my husband. I just want peace in the land, partnership in teaching our child how to behave like a civilized member of the human race. My quest is not epic. These are not the stories made for the next heroic action film. Mais non.

It is quite simple and by the email banter I’ve seen flying across my desk all week, I know that I am not alone in this.

I found the drug Tramadol 100mg in 2019. I was taken to ICU after the car crash. When I woke up, I felt a very strong pain.

So why does the husband do this? Why does he fall back on what is easiest rather than following through on what he knows needs to be done?

YES – I realize that allowing the child to snack in front of the TV, and do the drive-by grazing of her breakfast, for example, is MUCH easier than battling with her once again over why she needs to sit at the table and eat like a big girl if she wants to eat. Trust me, you better believe I get it, but that doesn’t mean she gets what she wants. And yet, I can turn my back and what do I find?

I find her snacking on some toast in front of the TV.

So kittens, I ask you this, what is the best way to respond to the rule-violating over 30 year old toddler in your house?

You got it….pop quiz time again:

a. Calmly and politely remind him that we have discussed the rules that we will together, and separately, implement with consistency with our child.

b. Question him as to why said child is allowed to break the rule in a stern voice as you then go deal with the broken rule and temper tantrum child and then not bring it up again.

c. Make idle threats in anger as I just might have done this morning.

You tell me. So far I have tried all three approaches and I’m not sure if any of them work.

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Husbands, Motherhood

Inappropriate Questions

November 8, 2007

As anyone who has faced down being married but childless knows…just as anyone who has had a younger sibling get married but they aren’t yet married knows….just as anyone who is pregnant knows..and just as anyone who has a child but still only one child knows…..the world is filled with people who ask totally inappropriate questions.

I, for one, was never really bothered with people asking me when I was going to have a baby before I got pregnant. Maybe it was that I was lucky and just avoided the jerks, who knows, but believe me, I know it happens to people ALL the time. It just never happened to me, at least that I can recall.

Of course, we all know that no one comes away from a pregnancy unscathed. There is the inappropriate office worker who makes comments on your waddle, or how enormous you’ve gotten overnight, or how your baby has clearly dropped and you are definitely going into labor like tonight even though you are 32 weeks pregnant. There are the random strangers on the street that tell you, with absolute certainty, that you are birthing a boy. Even if you know you are having a girl and go as far as to tell them that. They are still sure. Then enter the family member, maybe a mother-in-law, even a sister, possibly a creepy Uncle, whatever the case may be, there will inevitably be a family member (or two) that make really inappropriate comments – usually again about your size.

WHY – WHY PEOPLE – why do we do this to one another? Why do we ask inappropriate, probing questions?

Now, don’t get me wrong, there is a time and a place for inappropriate, probing questions. I, for one, am the queen of probing (and probably inappropriate) questions but hopefully I keep them just to my inner-circle of BFFs, particularly after one of us becomes loose lips over a few glasses of vino. I mean, what are BFF’s for if we can’t ask one another probing, inappropriate, personal questions?

Right?

Right.

But the random office worker, not a BFF.

The stranger on the street? Not even a frenemy. Just a random.

So bug off, is what I want to say.

In fact, when I was pregnant, I grew so tired of this running public commentary on me that I wanted the following slogans on a shirt that I claimed I would have worn in public.

Shirt one would have read:

“Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean I give a shit about your kid.”

Shirt two would have read:

“Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean I’m nice.”

I think you all can feel me here. What is it about being pregnant that makes strangers think you want to hear about their kids? Hell, I have a kid and I still don’t care to hear about some random’s twerp. And what is it about being pregnant that makes people think you are nice and want to be smiled and stared at all the time?

In regards to the inappropriate comments about weight gain, my husband armed me with a one-liner that I never had the nerve to use but it made me feel better in those moments, just thinking about saying it. When the inevitable “I can’t believe how much bigger you are than the last time I saw you” comment was made, his advice was to respond “I was just thinking the same thing about you.”

HA HA!

It still cracks me up.

But see, kittens, as any of you know who have one child, the fun doesn’t stop once you’ve birthed one child. It just continues. It just opens more doors.

And so, the inappropriate question of the day that chaps my ass in a big way is this:

“So when are you going to have a second?”

When someone asks me that, you know what I want to say, as my head grows inordinately large and I suddenly grown 40 eyes and steam starts pouring out of my ears as my head starts spinning 360 degrees, I want to say “BITE ME.”

I mean, my blood pressure rises instantly and it’s like I’m going to spontaneously combust when I’m asked that question. And I swear to you, people have been asking me that question since before my child could even sit up on her own. I wonder if my body had even fully healed from delivery and I was already being asked that question.

As you might imagine, with her second birthday on the horizon, the pace has accelerated. Its like, your child reaches a certain age and even if you aren’t pregnant, your body becomes open for public commentary and opinion as to when you should be gestating again.

I’ve spent quite a bit of time considering why this question fires me up so much. My initial reaction is because it is so invasive, it is no one’s f’ing business. But I think there’s more to it. For me, when I was pregnant the first time, I, like every other first time preggo out there, had no earthly clue what I was really walking into with having a child.

This time, well, I know good and well what we are walking into with having another baby, and frankly, I’m not so sure I’m in the mood to muster up the energy yet. I suspect this is a common issue among parents as they consider expanding their brood. Now we know too much. And really, we wonder, aren’t we totally fulfilled with this one bundle of joy?

And so, perhaps I become a vile monster when people ask me when we are going to have a second because I am well aware of the reality of what having a second means, the good bad and ugly of it, and well, maybe in that moment I just didn’t feel like thinking about it again.

Who knows. But the bottom line is – where along the way have people forgotten that our reproductive system and our breeding schedules are only the business of those of us with that uterus and our husband, no one else.

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Motherhood

Morass of gray

November 7, 2007

Kittens – you know I always strive to give you the best of moi. Mais oui, c’est vrai. I work diligently to bring you new, late breaking information and funny tidbits to chew on. Its why you keep coming back for more.

But some topics are just central to the very core here on KT and I just can’t get away from them, no matter how hard I try. Yes, I know you are thinking we will be discussing my show-stopping beauty today. And well, we should, but instead we will focus on more serious matters.

The age-old problem of managing work with babies. Note I said “Managing” and not “Balancing” – you know how we mock pie in the sky notions here on KT. Save the “Balancing” dreams for recent college grads.

SO, managing work and life. Has anyone found the secret yet? Because yours truly is looking for one to help survive the next few weeks. The question is, what will give, and how can I wrestle with what will give?

Here’s the deal. I’ve got a second bday party for my darling daughter on the horizon, we’ll be having 20 adults and 10 sweet little ones chez moi. Then four days later we will be hosting about 12-14 adults for Thanksgiving chez moi. Mixed in there is also my husband’s birthday. Think I can just put a bow on my DD and wish him a “Happy Birthday”? Anyone?

Bueller?

Does that whole “I gave you this child as your gift” line still work two years later? Because I’m willing to suck the life blood out of that line for the next 20 if I can (Note to any husbands reading the blog, this will not suffice as a gift for moi or your wife on her birthday. We get actual gifts. Mine is in March. I accept gifts from anyone. I do not work for a Member of Congress and I do not follow any ethical guidelines on it.)

So – immediately following these large events comes another large event, a rite of passage, if you will. Indeed, darling daughter will be starting preschool. So yours truly will need to be missing quite a bit of work between the orientation, the co-opting requirements of the preschool, and of course just getting her adjusted to suddenly being deposited in a strange place without me or the nanny anywhere in sight. I’m thinking at the very least, I will need to handle dropping her off for the first few weeks, which means I will need to come into work later than usual.

And so, enter work into this scenario. Some might think that the events we are hosting and preschool adjustment, in and of itself, is a full-time job. And I don’t disagree, but I also have a full-time job outside of the home that I need to be held accountable for. Just like you do. I’ve learned to manage the emotions that come with missing work because of childcare duties – frankly you won’t find a guilty bone or ligament in my body because it’s irrelevant when DD needs me.

BUT – that being said – suddenly it seems that we might be part of a large event here at work in the next two weeks. Like of epic proportions and one in which I would be intimately involved in.

So herein lies the rub. The working pre-mom side of me is hungry for these work related things to happen because the learning curve is steep, the excitement is high and the stress would be through the roof. The old me would thrive on this stuff. It’s big league stuff we’re talking about – amazing resume additions and frankly, just great exposure.

But I’m not the pre-mom anymore.

So how, exactly, does one manage your first child’s preschool orientation coinciding on the same day, at the same time, as an epic sized work event in which you would need to be a part of?

Suddenly the black and white lines of duty and responsibility come crumbling down and all I see is a morass of gray.

Life was so simple before I had my baby. Everything was so black and white, I was so practical. There was always a clear-cut solution. Nothing could be further from the truth now and for the purposes of full disclosure, it’s one of the realities of parenthood that hit me the hardest in those early weeks.

I can tell you with absolute honesty that the idea of having any emotional struggle with returning to work after birthing a child truly never dawned on me. Until I had one. It hit me like a ton of bricks, that particular reality.

And so, what will happen? How will I be a part of a major work event and learn from it and be a critical part of the team, and pull off a bday party, hosting Thanksgiving, celebrating husband’s birthday, attending preschool orientation, being present in the classroom on the first day of preschool, and personally handling her drop-off for the first few weeks?

Because I didn’t just graduate from college last week, I’m well aware of the fact that something will give along the way and I’ll have to deal with it. It seems glaringly obvious that I’m going to miss some of the preschool milestones and will do my best to check my mommy guilt at the door with that one.

But more importantly, along the way, I continue to be amazed with how I view myself professionally since having become a mother. There is a big part of me that hopes the major work event dies a quick and sudden death and just goes away, so I can resume my intention of moving forward with all of my plans these next few weeks. The other part of me really wants the work stuff to happen because, well, I still love a challenge and want to learn.

I have no idea what will play out and what will give. Something’s gonna give and it’s anyone’s guess how I’ll feel about it. I’ll be sure to keep you posted. The truth is, I write all this today only because I know everyone one of us who is managing motherhood with careers faces these things all the time and it’s a constant battle. I always like a reminder that I’m not alone in this, so I thought maybe you would too.

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Motherhood, Work