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The Minivan Mafia

June 1, 2009

I’ve posted before on some of the things I didn’t anticipate about having two kids…..and I can tell you….there is one thing that never even occurred to me and it is the bane of my existence, my least favorite part of the day, the thing I hate the most…..have I made myself clear? Are you curious yet?

Ahh…..what is it, you wonder curiously..

THE PRESCHOOL PARKING LOT.

And Minivans.

SOMEONE KILL ME NOW.

Prior to becoming a mom of two, I never once considered the preschool parking lot. Also – I didn’t go that often because our old nanny would take DD1 and pick her up the majority of the time.

Parking lots are a funny thing. But for some reason, they are inherently social. People love to stand around and gab in them. Teens love to skip school and smoke cigarettes, thinking they are cool, in them. Some people get lucky in them. Lots of things happen in a parking lot. But a preschool parking lot is a whole different orbit.

And the grand enemy of the preschool parking lot is the mom running late driving a minivan.

And the people that loiter forever.

Why, you ask?

Because the loiterers get there early and are the last to leave…and they hog all the prime spots closest to the front door of the school. And the moms running late in minivans do this – they zip into a spot, don’t care that they are close to the line because their door slides open, and they move on.

So enter the mom who also (perpetually) runs late but drives a four door sedan – and guess what – OH – she cannot park in these spots because the jerks in the minivans didn’t take the time to straighten out.

Why does this matter, you ask?

Because when you have two children, you need to use both doors to get both children out of the car – and if you can’t open the door wide enough on one side to get the absurdly large and heavy infant car seat out – or wide enough to even get your toddler out – then this spot is rendered useless. It is a waste. It is just being horded for some other late mom driving a minivan. It’s almost like the minivan mafia, come to think of it.

Chalk this up as another reason I despise the minivan. (Is it me or are most husband-wife teams split on the issue of the minivan? One parent is pro-minivan and the other is adamantly anti-minivan. You know where KT stands. ANTI. This actually stands as a legit reason to not have a third child, in my head, to avoid the minivan).

OK – so that is part of it.

Then there’s just the reality that it is a total freaking pain in the ass to drag a baby into preschool. That carseat is so heavy, you’ve inevitably woken them from an otherwise quiet and peaceful nap, and as the weeks pass, they quickly get too heavy in the carseat so then you have to get them out of the carseat and carry them in, while holding the toddler’s hand and carrying her schoolbag and lunch, while making sure you are keeping your eye out for moving vehicles that you can be sure your toddler isn’t really paying attention too.

It really isn’t pleasant or awesome. I am sure there are easier ways to do it (arriving on time could be one but that is too hard). And you better believe that after many very sleep deprived nights, I almost left a few ranting nasty notes on the windshields of those minivans barking at them to move the F*ck over and learn how to park straight so the rest of us can park next to them instead of 10 miles from the front door of the school, thank you very much. And kiss my white ass while I’m at it.

I haven’t.

But man have I been close. REAL close.

I know there are people out there who feel my pain. And if you don’t have two kids yet and one in preschool – then your time will come and I’ve warned you. And if you happen to be driving a minivan by the time this happens to you, park straight in the spot, will ya? If you join the Minivan Mafia I will cut you off.

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Motherhood, Preschool

Cruella De Ville

May 27, 2009

Is it me, or has Kate, made famous for basically having 8 children and being clever enough to lock-in a reality TV show, being made out to be Cruella De Ville by all the gossip rags? Why do we love to vilify mothers? This whole story fascinates me endlessly even though I’ve only watched that show a handful of times. I don’t need a reality show to convince me that having 8 children, including sextuplets, would be a freaking nightmare.

Now, I’ve watched it enough to know that I get Kate; I like her, I understand how she ticks. I think she can be funny but basically she’s pretty much always teetering on the edge of being grumpy and you can see that her head is the next 10 steps ahead of where everyone else needs to be and she is plotting how they are going to get there. I respect her for that. The woman is organized, opinionated, in control and moderately bossy. She needs to be. If she weren’t, we’d be vilifying her for the same reasons we vilify the octomom.

I’ve also watched the show just enough to see that her husband is pretty lazy and basically takes very little initiative but sure does get annoyed when his wife bosses him. His wife runs that household like a well-oiled machine and best I can tell – he has very little to do with it. Again, hats off to Kate.

So here we are totally enraptured by the infidelity crisis rocking the family – and what do I see all over the gossip rags – headlines like “From Mom to Monster” with a hideously unflattering picture of Kate shortly after she birthed the sextuplets and then today, the kids are now 5.

OK first – no one looks good after they’ve had a child – let alone 6 – so that is just rude to put the earlier picture on the mags. And second, while Kate has a really butt haircut and someone needs to tell her it’s not 1992 anymore (or whenever that hair might have been acceptable), power to her that she’s totally hot now and got her tummy tuck paid for by TLC.

But again, that is immaterial here – she is being vilified on the cover of magazines when what has landed her on the cover of these mags is her husband’s dumb affair with some even dumber (is that a word?) 23 year old child. I mean, if you are carrying on an affair not just with a married father, but a married father of EIGHT CHILDREN who has a reality TV show, you might be one of the dumbest people in the free world. Why would you want to take that on? He’s not going to leave his wife for you, sweetheart, and even if he did – trust me – you don’t want him. He is responsible for 8 kids.

So back to the issue at hand. Why is Kate being cast under the microscope here? In particular, her mothering skills – because her mothering skills have nothing to do with an alleged affair. And furthermore, if he was driven away because his wife was bossy – well grow up asshole – she doesn’t have an extra second of time to sugar coat the orders she barks at you and she wouldn’t be barking them if you took some initiative and did something helpful without being told. My other favorite is the trashing of her because she doesn’t pay enough attention to her husband.

Umm….can the people writing this hear what they are writing? And have they ever spent even 5 minutes with a small child – let alone 8 of them? Exactly how much time is this woman supposed to have at the end of the day to dote on her husband? And is it 1952 all of a sudden? When is he doting on her? Last time I checked, marriage was a two-way street. I have trouble finding time to “dote” (I just puked in my mouth a little) on my DH and I only have two kids.

So again – we are vilifying Kate – when her husband is the asshole cheating on his wife. Is it because women make up the largest percentage of readers of these gossip rags and we like to read about other women? So it’s more interesting to us to read about Kate and everything that makes her suck – instead of her husband? It’s just like the Jenny Anny-Brad Pitt – Angelina Jolie triangle – the microscope is still on Jenny Anny whenever she makes a move and we love to focus on Angie being the “other woman” – but does anyone remember that Brad is the asshole who cheated on his wife?

My other fav criticisms of her are that she has a nanny that she keeps off-camera. Umm…she damn well ought to have a nanny. DD1’s preschool class consists of 8 children and three adults full time – there’s no way just one teacher could handle 8 kids. Why is a mother expected to be any different? Has anyone considered what Kate would do when 6 of the 8 all have to pee at the same time? Seriously – just think about that for a second and then find yourself wondering why she has only one nanny, instead of ridiculing her for having one. I also love that she was criticized for going tanning on mother’s day…..umm…it’s f’ing mother’s day – isn’t she supposed to take a break and do what she wants?

Anyhoo – I missed the Jon and Kate season premiere but will def DVR it when it repeats because there some odd fascination to the train wreck and raw emotion that comes with this situation – but again – it’s really sad because this is a family we are all talking about. I will also probably continue to devour the gossip rags but know that part of it is because I am addicted to reading about how they are vilifying Kate next and I just remain in disbelief.

For those of you dying for an update on the battle against DD2 and her nightly conversations…I am superstitious and don’t want to jinx myself – so let’s just say that it’s working to my advantage right now and when I feel that we are in the clear – I will give you a full report.

Tune in later this week for “Denied” part two…why my mother of the year application for 2010 will definitely be rejected….

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Celebrities, Husbands, Motherhood

I will win the war

May 18, 2009

DD2 might be winning the battle…but mark my words kittens…..yours truly will win this war. We are currently on day 10. I earned my first point last night….but I will stand victorious at the end.

What, pray tell, is going on, you wonder. Let me tell you. This is a tale as old as time. A scenario familiar to all of you. And if its not and you actually have a child at home, then don’t tell me. No one here likes you for it.

You got it. The war against sleep that babies wage upon their innocent and beloved parents.

See, DD2 abruptly just decided to start waking up around 4am a week ago Saturday. Just out of the blue. So that first early morning – let’s be honest, it’s still the middle of the night – I considered it a fluke. I tried to get her back down, she wouldn’t settle back down, so I weighed my options. I could:

a. Leave her there and see what happens

b. Take her downstairs to our room.

Back when I was a parent of just one child, I stood firm with option A. There was no way in hell DD1 was ever going to think coming to our bed was an option..and as a result…she has hilarious space issues and never wants anyone near her in her bed, let alone would she consider cuddling in ours.

But see, the game is different now because to leave DD2 in her room gabbing as loud as she was creates new option C – which is the risk of waking DD1 at 4am. And see, I can deal with DD2 at 4am because she can eventually be coaxed back to sleep. Waking DD1, however, is a whole different can of worms…..as she would be cranky, pissed off, refuse to go back to sleep, then demand cartoons, company, and play time. Playing at 4am is torture.

SO, I opted for option B, brought DD2 downstairs, holding my breath on our creeky old loud stairs (who thought hardwood floors was a good idea? was it me?) praying that I wouldn’t wake DD1, and eventually coaxed DD2 back to sleep in our bed – right around the time DD1 arose for the day, as luck wouldn’t have it.

But little did I know that the very next night the same thing would happen. Hmm…..up again before 5am? Happy F’ing Mothers Day.

I began to think it wasn’t a fluke.

And so begins the wracking of the brain for reasons for the next week. Familiar with the below list?

Could it be teething? Does she need tylenol?

What did I feed her for dinner? I think she is gassy. She is definitely gassy – check out how she is arching her back. Where is that mylicon?

Nope, it’s the nipple, chimed in my mom by Friday. Her medium flow nipple is too slow – she’s now about 6 months – she wants it faster, she’s swallowing too much air, she needs a faster nipple.

Even though I wasn’t sure how or why swallowing too much air during a 7pm feed would impact her around 4-5am, I bought a ticket on that bus and ransacked every store for new nipples and brought those into play.

Birds suggested another friend. Birds wake her daughter and lord knows I hate those f’ing birds (and on a sidenote – also the sun. Why can’t I control the sun? Why should it still be up at 8pm and up again before 6am? This is not convenient when trying to argue the case to a savvy preschooler that they need to go to sleep or not wake up yet. The sun is anti-parenthood at bed time and in the morning. Note to self – do not travel to Alaska in the summer with opinionated small children.)

So I shut all her windows, turned on fans, plugged in a loud humidifier.

Guess what?
Not the birds.

Are you with me here kittens? Are you familiar with said scenario? Wracking your tired and sleep hungry brain for more ideas as to what could be causing this sudden change in sleep patterns.

By last night, I had drawn up my battle plans and was ready for action. I was going to counter her every move. I have my armour on, I am ready to beat her at this game. By week’s end, I will get her past her new found wake up time. Don’t doubt me. Never doubt me.

See, DD2 had me on my toes all last week and also had me really quite tired and cranky. I’ve since eliminated all reasonable possibilities and have reached the same conclusion…DD2 just wants to gab at 4am. She has a lot to say. I understand that because well, so do I. And she feels compelled to say it at 4am. Deliberate torture to inflict upon her parents?

Possibly.

A plot she cooked up with her older sister because they think it’s fun to tag team us already?

Perhaps.

A cruel desire to leave mommy with puffy eyes and circles from incomplete nights of sleep?

Me thinks so.

But that’s fine. Two can tango chez moi.

So this morning, I even woke up on my own minutes before DD2 began to gab at 4:16am. Naturally DH was snoring away. She gabbed. And she chatted. And she giggled. And she talked. But I didn’t cave. I was prepared for her to wake her sister (and that would have been DH’s problem because how dare he sleep while I wasn’t?). I could beat her at this game. And by 5am her gabs turned to whines, wimpers and cries.

Ah ha! I thought.

The little one is getting tired. She’s worn herself out and I didn’t go chat with her and bring her downstairs.

I snuck up, gave her the passie, noted that not only was she gabbing but she was also apparently going on a trip…taking a full tour of her crib and chose the opposite corner from where I placed her, to lay. Love that. And then I left.

And she fell blissfully back to sleep until 6:15am.

Meanwhile DH was sleeping the whole time and I basically never fell back asleep and then DD1 woke up (f’ing sun and birds)….but whatever…..DD2 has won several battles but oh…..I will win this war. Her new wake up time will be revised and improved by Thursday.

I promise.

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Baby Sleep, Husbands, Motherhood

It’s a pandemic people

May 14, 2009

And I’m not talking about the swine flu. Though it reminds me – what happened to the swine flu? I mean – the terrorist threat level had practically been elevated – there was like media hysteria – and then it’s gone. It just dropped off the face of the news – did it go away? Was I dreaming?

Anyhoo – this entry is not about swine. Though the guilty parties are swine.

Oh holler…..I’m totally calling you out – lame parents, you. You know who you are.

You are the parent who takes the child to the playground and then pretends like you are on a social outing as a solo adult. Like suddenly you’ve been transported to the W Hotel in Union Square at freaking happy hour.

I’m sorry, is the park now a person not a place? Is the slide your nanny? Oh, that’s right, I forgot – you are too busy socializing to remember that your kid is creating havoc on the playground or yielding an enormous tree branch and swinging it around at other toddlers because it’s not your problem any more. You are busy talking.

Yes, we all really think you are important.

We all know these parents. The ones who don’t make sure their kids take turn on the swings, who don’t reprimand their kid for climbing up the slide the wrong way and causing a near disaster for the poor kid that’s innocently sliding down the right way.

Or my personal fav – the people that go to someone else’s house for a social gathering and then just go enjoy themselves over some cocktails and figure their kid is the responsibility of anyone else who is paying attention.

It doesn’t matter where you live or how much money you have, or probably used to have, you know exactly the parent I’m talking about. Now, I know I’m not that parent. And you know you’re not that parent. But someone else is immediately coming to mind as you are reading this and let me guess, you might even be getting a little fired up……

Recall, I called these people swine. I’m right there with you.

So who are they? And who is calling them out?

If you recall from my Bunnyland entry a few weeks ago – I was pretty passive aggressive about it with all the lazy as hell moms hanging around the bikes. My trouble then was there was just too many guilty parties.

So I’m voting we start calling these people out. I’ve done it before on the playground. My favorite was when some kid was telling DD1 that she couldn’t go down the slide because she would die if she did – and attempted to shove her. You better believe that mom who thought her daughter was so cute because she wasn’t paying the slightest bit of attention, got a total KT earful. FYI – so did the kid (which is another interesting topic – when is it OK to yell at someone else’s kid? or is it not ever OK?)

Back to the lazy parents, maybe in a more personal setting something along the lines of “Hey, could you keep your eye on little Sally, she’s getting into the hot charcoals over at the grill and it might not end well?”

Or something along those lines……

If you are a guilty parent, and you know who you are – guess what – your kid is always your responsibility – not the park’s or the slide’s or the other parents busy with their own twerps. If you don’t feel like watching your kid, then hire a nanny.

Right?

Right.

I vote we band together and call these people out – I’m tired of it. My own kids are enough work – the last thing I feel like doing is handling anyone else’s.

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Motherhood