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Mom Confessions & that time I got defensive with a 6-year-old

March 25, 2013

Look, one of my biggest mantra’s here on WM is mommy guilt is a colossal waste of time. Oh, and it’s also really stupid and boring, but for the rare people out there who are guilty of criminal parenting offenses. Then you should rot.

But just cause I say it, doesn’t mean I always mean it.

#TrueConfession

So as we enter Holy Week (where upon I will visit Church on Sunday for the second time since Christmas #NotAGoodCatholic), it seemed now is the right time to confess my motherly sins to none other than….a bunch of other moms.

Forgive me moms, for I have sinned, and frankly I’m hoping I’m not alone. Despite my many regular failings at parenting (not reading school emails ~~carefully enough~~ and showing up to preschool with the only kid not wearing a costume, reading work emails while attempting to oversee homework and preschool art projects, therefore failing at all of the above, forgetting to ask if there is any Sunday School homework until 10 seconds before walking out the door, my list of stupid and unmentionable offenses should bore all of you, as yours should bore us), but for the below list.

The below list has one unique shared trait: each of these items mark the offenses that have stayed with me over time. These are the ones where I genuinely actually felt really horrible about and sometimes they come back to me, like a bad flash back memory, sorta like thinking about 80s bangs:

But worse.

These are the ones that force me to repeat my own mantra that mommy guilt is stupid, to shed the skin of these wrong-doings.

After I make my confession, the PR person in me has decided that what needs to be done is a little re-branding. Instead of viewing each one as a failing, let’s instead focus on the good that came out of each little lesson. Shall we? Let’s play along, it should be a fun little exercise. One that I’m calling “You’ve been #Mom’d”

Mom Sin #1: The Late Child Pick Up

Ahh…..that time you totally underestimate just how much you can get done in a short period of time and suddenly you find yourself leaving one destination at the time you are supposed to be at the other destination. En route, you drive in a less than ideal fashion and probably break a few road rules because all you can picture is your lonely child standing there all alone, wondering if she’s been forgotten. Look, “‘late” is my middle name, but when you’re like 15 minutes late picking up a child from an activity – that’s just bad. The incident in question here happened in the fall. I had a friend in town and we decided that after dropping off my eldest at sunday school, we’d hop on over to Michaels to get some important crafts for said child’s 3-D shoe box project. It would be the most perfect use of our time.

Cue the fabulous Halloween decor and fun crafting supplies dazzling our creative hearts and well, suddenly I realized we were in line to purchase these items at the exact time we were supposed to be picking her up. Naturally we got stuck behind a few Sunday drivers on the road. As we screeched around the corner, we could see my kid was the only lone sad kid standing out front with just the Priest for about 15 minutes.

#Maybe20

She waited until she got in the car to start sobbing. I was so proud of her for keeping on her brave face and remaining composed.

But I was late for her own benefit? We were shopping for her project???

Umm…..well……

Look, I actually do think it’s character building for a child to know that sometimes, guess what, they have to wait. And sometimes, guess what, mommy totally screws up. Oh, and sometimes, the world doesn’t revolve around them and well, a parent is late. Seriously, as a seasoned late picker upper, I really do believe this.

But it’s still hard to get that image of the solo sad kid standing there all alone feeling abandoned – out of your head – no matter how steely your resolve is against mommy guilt.

Then there’s the matter of a kid’s ability to take a walk down memory lane, that lane filled with all your past failings.

Enter “You’ve Been Mom’d”.

We might have been late to pick her up, but the end result of the project was fantastic, yes?

“Mom, remember that time you were so late picking me up and all the other moms and dads got their kid and I was left alone, wondering if you’d forgotten me.”

Reply: “Honey, remember that time we had all those amazing crafting supplies for your extra credit project, wasn’t that fun?”

Kid: “Oh, remember how awesome octopus was?”

#You’veBeenMom’d

Mom Sin #2: The Child Sleeping in the car

Most preschoolers I know fall asleep in the car. Usually about 5 minutes from home. This is like the unexpected gift for any parent – we all know they still need to nap but most of them fight you tooth and nail over it – much like their chronic need to never have to go potty.

After our move last summer, our drive from preschool to home became longer and well, created an opportunity for a post-school nap. The issue of transitioning her from the car seat to the house became the tricky part because sometimes she would stay asleep and sometimes wake up, and well, everyone wins if they stay asleep.

So, well, on days with okay weather – read in the 50s – sometimes I’d leave her snoozing in her car seat, in the car, for a few minutes while I’d run inside to do a few things. Look, I worked for the auto industry for a long time. I know all about leaving kids unattended in a car – trust me – I know all about it. But it doesn’t mean that I haven’t left my kid for a few minutes in the back seat of our car in the driveway when it wasn’t hot or cold outside. For a few minutes. She wasn’t forgotten. It was always a deliberate run in to pee and clear off the sofa so she could nap, etc.

Photo Credit: I found this pic over at HonestToddler.com

Inevitably the day came when she woke up. Probably as soon as I slipped into the house. And when I returned to the car a few minutes later, she was beyond the crying part. She was at the crying with no noise part. Enter a parent’s ability to only think about all the scary thoughts that must have been running through her head. It’s like being knifed in the chest.

Now to our little Mom’d session here.

Naturally, any self-respecting four-year old excels at remembering really bad things instead of the 1,342,043 amazing things you’ve already done for them in their lifetime. Usually in front of lots of other people.

“Mommy, remember that time you left me alone in the car and I was so scared and crying.”

“Honey, remember the yummy lollipop we had that day with so many cuddle hugs”

“Mommy, can I have a lollipop right now?”

#Mom’d

Mom Sin #3: Getting Defensive With a 6-year-old

Note: this one I actually don’t feel guilty about. I just know I should have been better than this. One day in February, I took my two girls and one of their friends on a really special outing. As we were heading down the stairs, I over-heard the friend say “I’m so glad your mom didn’t make cookies this time. The last time she did, I got a horrible stomach virus and threw up for two days.”

UMM….EXCUSE ME?!?!?!?

Background – the last time she was over was right before Christmas and we’d made cookies and cut them into fun shapes together. Shortly after, she started complaining of a stomach ache and ended up having some version of the norovirus for a few days. Let’s be clear – it wasn’t my cookies.

#Them’sFightingWords

But CLEARLY not only did this kid think my cookies made her sick but so did her mother – because this was a very bold, confident and obviously much discussed sentence.

I couldn’t bite my tongue and said “Oh, umm, you didn’t get sick from my cookies. You had some kind of virus. If you’d gotten sick from my cookies, we all would have gotten sick from them.”

What was I doing? Why was I being defensive with a 6-year-old?

I knew it was completely ridiculous as I heard the words coming out of my mouth yet I couldn’t help myself.

#I’mAnIdiot

Now I need to work on not getting mouthy with them as they become pre-teens and teens, obviously.

Next time you’re feeling guilty, I’d recommend You’ve Been #Mom’d…we’re always one step ahead, ladies.

#Right?

Be sure to “Like” the Wired Momma FB page, where I will be accepting your Mom Confessions or better yet, your own brilliant examples of #Mom’d. WE all need a few more to have at the ready.

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Humor, Motherhood

Sabotage: The Substitute Bus Driver

February 27, 2013

A friend emailed in this morning noting that they have a substitute bus driver and his two minute early arrival is making kids miss the bus. Ahh yes – sabotage in the form of the substitute bus driver. I know it well. Read on for an older post – but one about the delicate art form of the morning routine, my guess is you all can totally relate:

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One day in the late fall, the school bus pulled up to our stop about 90 seconds early. Behind the bus peeled up 3 cars and a bunch of kids none of us have seen before piled out and into the line of kids boarding the bus.

“You are early again today!” exclaimed one of the dads leading the caravan of cars tailing the bus. “You have to quit doing this to us!”

“Another parent said the same thing to me yesterday,” laughed the substitute bus driver in response.

“Every second counts” the father dead panned.

I’m always late. Always.

I was the parent who noted this to the substitute bus driver the day before. Every minute counts. Especially in the morning. Clearly this new driver guy didn’t realize that none of us are kidding and we’re not amused. 8:06 means 8:06. Not 8:04:33.

A few years ago, I would have been puzzled over how a 90 second early bus arrival could send so many parents into orbit but no longer. Just this morning as I was still in my bathrobe and we were one minute out from the bus arriving, I was barking at my Kindergartener to stick her head out into the bitter cold morning air to make sure she couldn’t see the bus.

Kind of like it’s no surprise that Christmas is December 25 every year, why does it surprise me that I need to have the kids properly dressed, lunches packed and out the door to the bus stop by 8:06am every day? It shouldn’t but it does, especially when my husband is on extended travel and I am flying solo for several consecutive weeks. Morning routines are especially difficult when you don’t have a partner to help with the flow, which really is an art form.

Partly to blame, in my view, is the propensity to daydream that afflicts elementary school aged children. Case in point: this morning, as I’m horrified to realize it’s 7:52am and both girls are still in their PJs, I asked the older one to get herself dressed while I blow dry my hair, wisely delegating duties and using our time efficiently, I think to myself. Naively, of course.

Somehow what she instead hears is “Slowly take a leisurely walk to the other room and glance around until something sparkly for your hair catches your eye or some useless watch set to the wrong time, beckons you, and try to affix that watch to your wrist. Don’t worry about getting dressed. It really isn’t important.”

I know. I should love the day dreaming, life soaking, happy-go-lucky view of a Kindergartener. I really should.

But sometimes I don’t. Sometimes it is like nails on a chalkboard.

Like in the morning when I know there is yet another substitute bus driver who could pull up 16 seconds early and therefore wreak havoc on all of us as we come peeling out our doors and bolting down the street, barking at our kids to move faster.

One friend says she holds the gummy vitamins hostage each morning until her daughter gets herself dressed. I can see that might motivate my oldest one. And I’m sure barking orders at small children and holding vitamins hostage until they fulfill their assigned duties is what the experts would laude as amazing parenting.

But 2012 is the year of I am Awesome, right? And well, I’m not sure that always being late makes me awesome, but it certainly makes life intense. In the meantime, how to get the children to focus in the morning….and to get the new bus drivers to appreciate that every second really does count. We live by the scheduled arrival time of that creaky old yellow bus.

Frankly, I’d prefer for it to be late. Or maybe I should start using a whistle and rule by intimidation?

“Like” moi on Facebook to keep up with more Captain Von Trapp whistle blowing ideas of intimidating small children.

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Kindergarten, Motherhood

Moms & Time: Good Enough is the New Perfect

January 10, 2013

I am re-posting the below piece that I first published in March 2012. Sure, the news survey is almost a year old but the idea is still the same and fits nicely into our 2013 commitment to finding more Moi-Time because it’s a reminder that we need to just relax and putter….

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Earlier this week, Real Simple magazine and the Families and Work Institute (FWI) issued the results of a new survey they conducted on moms and time. Here’s the topline results:

At least 50% of women say they don’t have enough free time.

60% feel guilty spending what little time they do have on themselves.

Interestingly 68% claim that work doesn’t interfere with their personal lives.

Ellen Galinsky, president of the FWI, this week during a panel discussing the survey results, said “Its like the new clean plate club. In addition to working and taking care of the kids, women feel they can’t relax until all the household chores are complete. While the average husband’s to-do list encompasses two main jobs: repairs and yard work, the average wife’s list contains at least eleven items from cooking, to cleaning, to managing household finances. “Your husband isn’t going to say, ‘You look really busy, you should have some free time,'” adds Galinsky.Wait – your husband didn’t do this?

Hmm…so of course, back in reality-land, as I read about this new survey, I started wondering what 11 items are on my to do list.

Might it be comprised of such things as, oh I don’t know, putting away summer clothes that barely fit my 6-year-old at the end of last summer?

How about those random stray Halloween and Christmas decorations and books I keep finding that never got put away properly in October and January?

My insanely terrorized closets?

Is my list just 11 items long? I doubt it.

But look, this is the year of Moi Loves Moi. We are awesome. Do we really need to subscribe to this ideal of perfection? Ultimately, that is the unspoken expectation in all of these surveys: that as mothers, we hold such a high standard that we expect perfection, and then are stressed out because we don’t have enough free time.

I say enough of it. It isn’t realistic and it’s a waste of precious emotional energy that is better spent elsewhere. I’m good with good enough, it’s a central tenet of Moi Loves Moi. Until I plan to host an open house to sell my current house, what difference does the inside of my closets make?

None. It makes no difference. And what delights a three-year-old more than finding a small stuffed pumpkin in the playroom in March? See, I do it for the children.

Have I organized my Kindergartener’s artwork dating back to when she was in the 2s room in preschool, into the new nifty organizers she got for Christmas?

Mais non!

Does this keep me up at night?

Of course not.

Do I think in a million years, if wild horses were dragging me by my toes, my husband would take the initiative to get these things done?

I am not on crack.

But does this bother me? No.

Look, coming home to this would be amazing but it’s not likely to happen, at least chez moi:

Don’t hold your breath, waiting for this day. Photo Credit: Porn for New Moms

So what can we do? I think we work a little harder at not worrying about “getting it all done” and instead accept that it’s never going to get done. Make your peace with it. The laundry is like bunnies in the spring time, the husbands are unlikely to ever take the initiative or keep running lists in their heads, and no one you are friends with actually cares what the inside of your closets look like. If they do, probably best to break up with them. I think we need to relish in the rare moments we have the house to ourselves, and like Lisa Miller writes in NY Magazine, just putter. Puttering in the sheer silence of your own home is a gift, a true gift. Isn’t it?

For more on how my husband insisted I take a year off to lounge around my house to recover from child birth, and other wild facts, be sure to “Like” the Wired Momma page on Facebook. I often post other great articles and links just there for when I don’t have time to blog.

Good enough is the new perfect. Moi loves Moi. Forget the lists.

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Husbands, Motherhood

Sandy Hook & Looking Forward

December 21, 2012

Photo Credit: Getty Images

Now that a week has passed since we all watched in sheer horror as the massacre unfolded at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT, we’ve had some time to move through the stages of shock and grief. This entire time, one thing in particular kept gnawing at me and I just couldn’t put my finger on it, until now. What the unspeakable loss of these beautiful 20 first graders has reminded us is this: just how profoundly young children touch each one of us to the core. Not just parents and grandparents or aunts and uncles but strangers on the street, passers-by, neighbors; every single one of us.

We have been grieving because Sandy Hook forced us to spend time reflecting on what it actually means to be six-years-old. We all thought about how these kids are still babies with missing teeth, who fart in class and don’t fully appreciate that violates all social etiquette, they spell birthday “brithday”, they talk to the Elf on the Shelf every night because they really do believe he talks to Santa and finally this: six year olds, even those who have seen a hard life already, believe only the good in every single one of us. We’ve all spent a week crying and feeling rage and pure sadness because finally we have stopped and slowed down and paid attention to the beauty and importance of children. We’ve put down the phones and turned off the TVs and just sat in our grief and reflected.

And so, as we end this year and move into 2013, my single wish is that this true appreciation for children will stay with us and remain at the forefront of our culture. Too often lately we’ve become a country that begrudges children, that seeks “brat bans” in restaurants and looks in horror at a young mother boarding a flight alone with little kids. We don’t help her with her bags and we glare at her children because they do things that kids do and that annoy busy, important adults – like spill drinks, kick some seats and ask endless questions. Oh and they cry. We ignore pregnant women on the metro. Far too often, we look away and hope the kids won’t bother us instead of ushering forth our patience and looking at them, offering to help, or even just offering a smile. We talk about the “mommy wars” and worry about “having it all” when really, “it all” is right in front of us.

Sandy Hook happened to every single one of us and we are so devastated because without children – what do we have for the future? Far too often, we don’t take the time to focus and appreciate that reality.

Let us keep this reminder with us beyond the holiday season and once the initial shock of this loss passes. True, even us parents need the occasional reminder on the fleeting perfection of childhood.

In this moment, where we all remember that it does take a village to raise a child, we must preserve this feeling of love for children. By remembering, we will honor the lives of those precious first graders and their surviving families who will never, for one day, forget that children give every single one of us far more that we can ever give them.

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Motherhood