Husbands | Wired Momma

Category Archives: Husbands

Overhyped

February 28, 2010

Last night, we hosted a dinner party chez moi. Adults only. Lots of champagne and cheese. And you know it’s a good night when your discussions range from Furries (not for kids) to stink bombs during pep rallies. But one topic really struck both DH and me…..that of bringing home the second baby.

The reason we were all getting together was to celebrate the pending birth of two BFF’s second babies later in March. The two expectant dads raised the issue of bringing home the second baby and the idea of taking the older child out for special time with just dad on the weekend and how they felt the older child would really need this special time with them.

Ahh yes…….the fear of how the older child will react and being sensitive to them with the arrival of a new child. I don’t know about you, but this was actually the only thing that really worried me as the arrival of our second grew closer. There is so much hype and advice around bringing home baby, introducing new baby, helping older child adjust. It seemed like all the drama around sleeping and schedules and breastfeeding that comes with the arrival of the first is overshadowed by all the drama around helping the older child adjust to life with a sibling.

And frankly, DH and me, we ended up realizing it was all for naught. Tell me if you disagree. Please. I love a good sparring. But in the end, what we discovered was we needed daddy to take DD1 out of the house in those first few weeks because MOMMY needed the break. As it turned out, we’d forgotten that newborns well – they don’t really do anything – so in actuality, after a day or two of not liking “that baby” because she was getting some attention because she was new and small and cute, DD1 realized “that baby” was totally fine and acceptable because she didn’t do anything – so she really didn’t change her life in any meaningful way……yet (mobility is a whole different story).

Don’t get me wrong, of course special outings with daddy are important – but I’d say no more important when a new baby comes home than any other time of year – important just cause it means so much to both parties involved. Beyond that – I don’t think DD1 ever made the connection that she was going on this outing because we were carving out special alone time with her and a parent. I don’t think it made an ounce of difference to her. Am I saying – don’t be sensitive to how things are changing, don’t do special things like read stories to the older child or talk to them about their new sister and how they are still important and special – of course not.

All I’m saying is, in the end, those outings to us were critical because moi – the one who had delivered this new baby and who had just come off 10 months of pregnancy – needed some quiet time. As it turned out, I found that being home with the newborn was the break – and taking the energy-filled curious toddler out – was the work.

If you are expecting a second child, maybe this will help quell any anxiety you have about this transition. Or affirm your suspicions that dad needs to be prepared to step up and plan some fun activities out for the older child for mommy’s sake. Or maybe you totally disagree with me and if so I’d love to hear it.

2 Comments - Leave a comment!

Husbands, Life with 2 kids, Motherhood

Parenthood in the Workplace

February 18, 2010

Sunday’s NYT style section ran a really important piece on President Obama and how he doesn’t miss his daughter’s recitals, parent teacher conferences or any important events. As someone who spent my full-time working-motherhood career essentially doing my best to hide the fact that I was a parent, I loved reading this article.

My initial reaction to the piece was totally bratty – I thought – well shit, if the leader of the free world can make time to attend band recitals (is it me or has “American Pie” forever made band a dirty thing?) or parent-teacher conferences, then no parent can honestly be too busy or too important to miss these things. But it’s way more complicated than that – and the story did touch on that. Being that he is the President, Obama can do whatever the hell he wants – and the rest of us – well, we probably don’t have that kind of authority. The majority of working parents answer to someone and that someone might not be thrilled with an 11am band recital (ha ha – band camp).

Though I am home full-time now, I’m still pretty scarred from my experience working full-time and being a mom. Granted I know much of the experience has to do with where you work and who you work for – and it’s safe to say having been the only working mom in a senior level position – I was not in a family friendly environment. My experience was – everyone knew I had a baby and that was fine – it was nice to have pictures of her in my office – but beyond that – don’t mention it. Get to work, do your job, but if there’s a drama with the nanny or a sick kid or an unexpected anything – as well, life seems to be when you have kids, it’s certainly not a reason to miss a meeting. And please…..don’t tell us about it.

The thing is – do I necessarily think this is a bad thing? Not necessarily. You don’t need to have kids to have shit happen to you outside the office and I know this is a common complaint among people who don’t have children – they don’t get special exceptions, why should I? And I worked for someone who didn’t have children and wasn’t ever going to have children.

Would I have remained in the workforce if I’d been in a warmer environment? One that was more flexible and accommodating – probably.

So then should employers be more flexible towards working parents? Do parents deserve special exceptions because they do have greater responsibilities beyond the office?

And is the President paving the way? Unlike me, who used to try to sneak in side doors to hide just how late I was, Obama is completely out of the closet regarding his parenthood responsibilities. Will his priorities help force more changes in American business culture towards families?

The other important part of this article, in my all-important view, was the discussion of fatherhood and working. Apparently the President’s priorities are representative of a generational shift in how fathers view their role. I, for one, don’t see it. My dad worked like a crazy person but the man was at every painful band recital, he coached girls basketball (and yes, we usually were shooting for the wrong basket in 6th grade…he was most likely thinking “I left work for this shit?”), and I’m sure I hoped he would miss most parent-teacher conferences. So – I’m not sure whether my dad was an anomaly but I recall seeing my friends dads out there right along with him. So is this a convenient generational shift for the media or is it real? Cause I wouldn’t have married a man who doesn’t consider these things just as important as I do. Would you? I’m thinking there are probably some fathers who are still very involved and others who are less-so – just like in generations past.

Moving on, the piece cites a survey conducted by the Families and Work Institute. The survey reveals that men, more than women, feel caught between parenthood and working, revealing that 59% of men feel a work-life conflict.

WHAAAA

Ummm…….was this survey conducted in renown family friendly France where all the women were off on a year-long maternity leave when they participated?

Cause there’s no way this survey was conducted here in the States. I’m not challenging that 60% of fathers feel a work-life pull. What I’m actually LAUGHING about is that working fathers feel this pull more so than working moms.

Am I alone here people?

1 Comment - Leave a comment!

Husbands, Life with 2 kids, Motherhood, Work

Duggar Insanity

February 4, 2010

I don’t know about you, but I have a powerful visceral reaction to people who are full of shit. Typically people who act like everything is sunshine and roses all the time – cause we know it’s not. Life is messy, parenthood has ups and downs, marriages can be rocky, working full time or staying home full time – these things can wreak havoc on your mind. Nothing is easy. Certainly everything isn’t rosy every single day. I like it when people are real. If we are friends – tell me about something totally hilarious and awesome that happened today. But when something crappy happens, don’t pretend like your life is a sunday walk in the park filled with sunshine and roses. Cause guess what – it’s pretty transparent that you are faking it.

So, I immediately puke in my mouth when I see the Duggars on the TV. Specifically last week, I caught a bit of them on the Today Show. Unfortunately real life – 2 sick kids and a nasty cold myself – prevented me from blasting them immediately when I saw them on TV. First of all, I think they are psycho. You cannot tell me that you have that many children and it’s wonderful and there is no impact on the children. Give me a freaking break. I can barely find enough time in the day to feel like my TWO kids are getting sufficient attention from me. Add in 17 more and forget about it.

So first, in case you feel differently, then you can tell me how the Duggars were awarded 2009 Parents of the Year. And I still puked a little in my mouth. Someone get me a towel to wipe it up. Wait – maybe if I had a dozen more kids, one of them could run and get me a towel?

Or you can tell me all about how they make their money themselves and never lived off public assistance.

I’m sorry, we should even mention that?

But here’s the added twist – their 19th child – keep in mind Michelle is in her early 40s and has been pregnant roughly every 9 months for about 20 years. So tell me what that does to her body? How is that good and healthy for her to constantly be pregnant or nursing?

So the 19th child was born at 24 weeks and has been in the intensive care unit of a hospital in Arkansas since early December. She’s almost 2 months now and weighs 2lbs. Yet the Duggars sat on the Today Show, beaming smiles, and waxed on about how their life is a blessing and everything is wonderful and their daughter is so beautiful.

BE REAL PEOPLE

Give me an f’ing break. Having an infant in the intensive care unit for easily three months with innumerable possible developmental problems due to her early emergency delivery must rate up there among the highest stressors parents can face. Then you add in 18 more children, many of whom are very young and still need constant care and attention from parents – and who is paying attention to them? Surely at least Michelle is pretty much always in the hospital with baby Josie. So you’re telling me that one parent is sufficient in taking care of all the needs of 18 other kids? But wait – so then who is working to make money to support this family? Oh right – I guess that’s where pimping your kids out to TV networks to make money off them comes in handy? I’m sure God would definitely approve of that strategy. And you’re telling me that the absence of one parent and the logistical inability of the other parent to pay sufficient attention to all these other kids doesn’t impact them? Before you consider bringing home a baby a potential host of special needs? Or maybe instead of hiring nannies to help them tend to all these children and all the needs they have (school drop offs and pickups, sporting events, ballet, music lessons, art class, birthday parties), maybe the Duggars farm out the parenting responsibilities to the eldest children. Ah yes, I can see how that would earn them parents of the year award. Let’s keep having children so our older children can raise them!!! God said it was ok.

And then they casually toss in that they moved their entire family to Little Rock to be closer to the hospital – and we’re still meant to believe life is grand?

Having moved every three years of my life until I went to college, I know all about being uprooted and how stressful it can be on a kid. So they uproot 18 children and you’re telling me there isn’t resentment and anger among some of the kids that they had to leave their school, their friends, their life because their parents can’t stop having children? By my last count, at least 5 of the kids are of high school age. My sister still talks about having to move before going into her senior year of high school…and well…..she’s many years past high school.

I think it’s irresponsible on their part. I think it’s irresponsible and disgusting to constantly put themselves out there, to welcome and encourage media attention (hello- camera crews in the ICU? Remind anyone else of the Octomom, profiting off the circus show of having so many children? Yet they hide behind God’s blessings instead of a creepy Angelina Jolie plastic surgery make-over and it makes it OK for the Duggars to do?), and I think it’s dishonest to smile and talk about life’s blessings.

I think the media play a role in perpetuating this insanity by paying families like the Duggars to profile their lives on TV. And it’s time to stop.

Bottom line – the only thing I am left wondering is – given the fact that Michelle always has the same plastered, spacey, taped on smile on her face, I am left wondering -what is she on? And can I get any of it?

6 Comments - Leave a comment!

Celebrities, Husbands, Motherhood

Got a minute?

January 18, 2010

Sunday’s Washington Post Magazine cover story was all about moms and time. This is a tired story. Yet I’m gonna go there because I can’t resist.

Time and tracking time is one of those things that has hogged my thoughts and dictated my life since I had our first babe over four years ago. For the purposes of self-disclosure, I am pretty anal and organized, I run my house by schedule and have policed my children’s sleeping and feeding schedules from the minute they came home from the hospital. It’s the only way I know how to bring order to chaos. In fact, in that foggy daze of adjusting to life with a child, my first fight with DH was triggered by his comment “I lost track of time.”

I completely lost it. Sure, sleep deprivation and hormones had a lot to do with it. But we’ve never had a fight like that in our 8 years of marriage. The idea of losing track of time seemed like such a luxury to me, though I was only 6 weeks into this whole parenthood gig, that I both resented him for having that chance and was furious that he wasn’t consumed with time, schedules, feedings and sleep patterns as I was. And still am. Four years later.

So I read Sunday’s piece with great interest and frankly, was largely disappointed in the end. I felt the writer, Brigid Schulte, came off as a martyr in a way she probably didn’t mean but I think that is one of the great challenges facing moms when discussing the absence of free time in our lives. In the piece, Schulte ended up attempting to track her time for a professor who specializes in time-use, to analyze her time spent and help her find 30 hours of leisure time each week. Of course the whole idea that this is possible is a total joke but the point was that it depends partly on how you define leisure time. It was never clear to me how Schulte defines leisure time.

For me it’s easy – am I without children?

LEISURE.

Am I out with just one child – half-leisure.

It’s really that easy. So while Schulte questioned if gym time is leisure time – to me that is the panacea of leisure time. My morning gym visit has practically turned me into a gym rat and without that precious quiet time, I can’t face the day. Schulte challenged how waiting 2-hours for a tow truck was leisure time. She was without child so the prof deemed it leisure.

Again, expectations. To me – two hours anywhere without the kids equals leisure time.

Am I saying I don’t like my children? Of course not. Am I saying that I don’t love spending time with them? Again, of course not. But any time that I am not responsible for fetching something for someone, shuttling someone to preschool while another one is screaming for her nap in the back seat or chasing down a toddler clueless to danger in one direction while trying to make sure the 4- year -old on the opposite side of the park isn’t being kidnapped, is leisure time. It’s really pretty black and white to me.

So back to the premise – moms and time. There is so much about moms and time. How much is written about dads and time? And Schulte barely skimmed over this in her piece. She once referenced her husband out back smoking a cigar while she was doing dishes or something. I’m thinking – what the hell is he doing having leisure time while she is working.

And here’s where I think moms fall victim to being martyrs. So many of us, me included, are control freaks – and so with an inability to let go and pass off responsibilities to husbands who in all actuality, are capable functioning members of the human race (hence why we married them and then went on to have children with them) – and so we end up in this reality where we are frazzled and exhausted and have bad hair and need a moment. Why is this? And what are we doing to change that. I’d like to see more written about this issue in how we divide our time than the “woe is me the mom without a minute to spare” ballad.

Again, I’m picking on Schulte because she put herself out there. She writes about making cupcakes at 3am, kids homework at ungodly hours of the night, etc. So again, where is her husband? What’s he doing? At what point does a gal need to learn to let go so that she can have a minute? And what does it take for her to figure that out?

I guess we all have our breaking points. And I am sure there are couples out there where the dad is the one consumed by time and the mom loses track. It’s not me, but I’m sure they’re out there. That being said, I’d enjoy seeing more about how families constructively divide time and moms do find time to themselves instead of the raggedy old mom icing Valentine’s cupcakes at 4am for school when she has a board meeting with the CEO 4 hours later. I also think learning to say “no” is part of this. Are our children completely overscheduled? Do we accept every invitation and spend weekends driving from one birthday party to the next? Is this fun for everyone?

So again, maybe I’m tired and cranky but I think too many women take on everything and lack the confidence to say “no.”

There you have it. I am picking on women this time instead of men.

3 Comments - Leave a comment!

Husbands, Life with 2 kids, Motherhood