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HMW Still Seeking FTW

March 16, 2007

For those die-hard KT fans out there, you will recall my bantering from earlier this winter about how I was a happily married wife (HMW) seeking a full-time wife (FTW). In fact, unless your memory is as bad as mine, you might even recall that I concluded that what I really want is a clone of my weekend self to get my work done during the week, so I could relax on the weekends. Doesn’t that sound grand?

Well, it is something that I continue to think about. What I have really found myself thinking lately is this – how lucky stay-at-home mom’s are that they don’t have to worry about childcare drama and stress. I realize that isn’t fair because SAHM have a different slate of things to worry about than working mom’s – and I’m really not into the whole pitting us against each other media approach. But when things get desperate, the grass is always greener, you know?

The other thing that really chaps my a** is something that isn’t fair either but I’m just telling you what I think today. I have a co-worker. He is pleasant and I have no complaints about him – and he, too, has a darling daughter who is just a bit older than mine. But what I’m always aware of is that every day is different for him because he is a working dad. And he has a full-time stay at home wife.

I don’t have a full-time stay at home wife.

I am the full-time wife. Who also works.

And so, I always find myself wondering how this makes my stress load different. Should I be given more flexibility and leeway than he is? The truth is, I need it.

He can assure me that my childcare situation will workout and everything will be fine – and remain calm while doing so – because he never has to worry about that particular crisis as long as his wife stays home. He can just get up and go to work.

I don’t have that liberty when my childcare situation is thrown into orbit, like it has been, seemingly forever now.

But we all know that when some workers are given more leeway than others, it creates workplace drama.

Think also of your co-workers who are childless. We’ve all heard stories of how they feel slighted because they stay later and travel more than those with children.

My reaction to that is – that is their decision and they aren’t dealing with the stress and responsibility of raising a child. Is it fair. Maybe not. But neither is life.

And so, what is my conclusion to all of this? My conclusion is that working dads do not carry the same kind of stress as working moms. Especially working dads with stay at home wives. My conclusion is that being a working mom is a constant struggle and the reality is – I need more workplace flexibility and leeway than everyone else. “I” includes all working moms. So – does that annoy you if you aren’t a working mom?

I don’t care.

I just ask you to remind yourself that that working mom in your office – her day is always longer and always harder than yours – so just remind yourself of that when you are pissed off that you’re burning the midnight oil and she’s home. Someday, you might find yourself in her same position and then you’ll be grateful for that other person in your office who never tried to make you feel bad for leaving early.

The American Prospect also has a very interesting article that I urge you to read:

http://www.prospect.org/web/page.ww?section=root&name=ViewPrint&articleId=12499

The jist of it is that younger Americans have very progressive and realistic views on the realities of marriage and working while raising children, which surprised me. And most interesting is that those kids who came from dual working parents seem to have an overwhelmingly positive view of having two parents who work. 75% agreed that it is a best case scenario because it means more money for the family and a marriage of more equality.

I was impressed and happy to read it. We all know that KT is a guilt-free zone. So if you are a guilty working mother, then I think you’re wasting your time and energy for no reason – but the reality is also this – when your child is young like mine, they aren’t capable of giving you this sort of feed back – that they like the money that comes from you working and they respect your egalitarian marriage. So you just have to tell yourself that with enough hard work, devotion and confidence building on your part, they will grow up to feel that way. And keep reading great pieces like the American Prospect one – because it’s what you want to hear.

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Husbands, Motherhood

Beware the Ides of March

March 15, 2007

I think we’ve all established by now that yours truly, dear Kitty Time, is really quite superstitious. And so, I caution you, dear readers, on this 15th day of March, to beware the ides of March. Perhaps I really am a soothsayer? I’m not sure….but let’s see what predictions I can bring you today.

First of all, we know that Julius Ceaser met his untimely death on this 15th day of March, back in 44 B.C. And if memory serves, isn’t there some suspicion of Brutus’ involvement in his slaying?

And so, while I do not believe that we all should be walking around, checking who’s trailing us, or sleeping with one eye open for fear that our modern day Brutus is lurking in a dark corner…..I do think it’s fun to instead play the role of soothsayer.

My first prediction is for those fashionista’s out there. What I see is a spring wardrobe filled with classic pieces spruced up with your own personal je ne sais quoi. Is it a vintage dress you found matched with a pair of red espadrilles? Is it a pair of classic linen pants matched with a funky coral necklace? Or dare you head down the path of the color du jour, yellow? Consider me your soothsayer – beware the shade of yellow. Particularly this spring’s shade – it’s quite bright. Bright yellow does not look that great if you are quite wan. It can really wash you out. Refer back to my earlier spring posting if you doubt me.

My next prediction is for those of you with beloved husbands. I see a weekend filled with husbands dutifully fulfilling all of their household chores – without you having to remind them. C’est vrai. Because, dear readers, KittyTime can play the role of Brutus in their minds…and I have scared them all into action. I have infiltrated email inboxes with brooding messages about their pending and untimely ending should they fail to act. Should they get caught up in the action of March Madness and forget about, oh I don’t know, the current mouse infestation problem in your kitchen, or the new picture that needs to be hung…….they know that the dangers of the Ides of March linger on into this great Month for lazy husbands. Hark – March is, in fact, the best month of the year because it is the month of my birth. More on that later. Do not think that the great day of my birth has come and passed without a peep out of moi on that one. Mais non!

And finally, for the mommy’s out there. I see a week filled with no surprises for you next week. I hear you all breathing out the anger and just believing me. I see a week where childcare providers arrive on time and illness free. I see a week where no nanny’s quit (It is National Nanny’s Won’t Quit Week, next week. C’est vrai). I see a week where the traffic doesn’t prevent you from arriving to work on time, nor does it prevent you from seeing your cherub in the evening because you arrived home too late. I see a week where your precious babe is healthy and thriving and happy all week, sleeping through the night, and napping right on schedule. It’s true. It’s going to be just the kind of week you need, next week, the week where everything falls into place each day, gloriously and you cherish each precious minute of it.

And my final word for the day is for our dear friend Britney, I say to her, beware the bottle filled with the sauce, the bag filled with the white stuff, and any no-name rocker who claims to be your support system. None of those things are what they seem and none are helping you regain back your life and your time with your babies….your mis-steps aren’t even that entertaining for the rest of us anymore…..

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Fashion, Husbands, Motherhood

Realities of Parenthood

March 8, 2007

Well kittens, by now you know that there is one subject that I just can’t seem to get away from writing about – and it is childcare. Before I roll up my sleeves and get into it, again, I feel that I should let you all know which Kitty is writing today. Happy Kitty. I am happy kitty today.

No no. Don’t be a fool. Of course I haven’t hired Mary Poppins and solved all my problems.

And no, it wasn’t my family that had the winning lottery ticket, thereby enabling me to quit working and make half these problems go away.

Everything is the same on the homefront. But I think I must have clicked my ruby red slippers just enough yesterday to make myself find my inner zen. In fact this morning my mom came over for last-minute babycare duty and said to me “did you take your happy pills this morning or something?”

HA! I wish.

Though I will say, what helped was during this morning’s workout class, during the stretch time at the beginning my instructor said “OK everyone, breathe out the anger.”

We all laughed. And it was like she sprinkled magic fairy dust on me just by saying that.

So, everyone, take a minute and breathe out the anger. Really, it helps.

And now, back to the realities of parenthood. I just now had a minute to log onto the Washington Post online and catch up with what I’ve been missing on this week’s ‘On Balance’ blog: http://blog.washingtonpost.com/onbalance/

And much to my surprise, seems that this whole week someone has been writing about childcare. In particular, they’ve been focusing on the recent article published in The Nation that I’ve also been meaning to get too, I urge you all to read it if you haven’t already:

http://www.thenation.com/doc/20070312/rosen

Seeing as how I’m a little late entering in on the action, there is very little that is original or new I can say in response to the article. Except to reiterate that I am currently living the reality of the childcare crisis that we all face. And if you aren’t a parent yet and are contemplating having a kid, or you are pregnant, then you’ll face it too. And then there are some that choose daycare instead of nanny or some that choose nanny instead of daycare – but not a one of us gets away unscathed. We’re all in it together.

There will always be a sick kid, a sick nanny, something just always comes up when you just aren’t expecting it and you really don’t need it. It just does. We can’t live our lives in a bubble. Something undesirable comes up and when you just don’t know who is going to take care of your child that day, or you both have equally busy and important days at work with meetings that you both must be physically present for meanwhile you have a kid with a raging fever – something’s gotta give.

It’s just the reality of parenthood.

SO how do you decide what has got to give without tit for tat? Without one person always taking one for the team and the other parent never has to carry that burden? How do you both, as partners, manage the realities of a childcare crisis?

I’m asking. I’d love to hear from you.

I think one of the important points made in the On Balance blog and that I was trying to make a few weeks ago when criticizing Mom’s Rising, www.MomsRising.org, is that fathers need to be included and from the beginning.

From the day that baby is born, if you as the mother create a situation where you are the only one that knows how to take care of the baby and the only one that responds to the miserable 3am, then 3:30am, then 4am, then “not f’ing again” 4:30am cries, and the only one that keeps up with when to buy more formula, and more diapers, and more A&D ointment. And then the only one that deals with the stress of staying home at the last minute when faced with a childcare crisis.

Well, then you are exactly the kind of mother that I don’t feel sorry for. I believe you sleep in the bed you make. And if you enable your partner to have a bird’s eye view into parenting and participate in the good and joys of a child but checkout during the struggles – then that’s your fault. You are not going to win any awards or trophies.

So – we make it work chez moi because we both have been involved, engaged partners from the time darling daughter entered the world. Sure, there have been plenty of mis-steps along the way. Sure, we’ve had some serious “You’ve got to do more” conversations, and sure, I am carrying the brunt of finding the new nanny burden. I’m not pretending that it’s a day in the life of the Cleavers only this time it’s perfectly balanced.

But the thing that helps keep me sane is that my husband participates. He stayed home yesterday during our ongoing childcare crisis, even though we both have big and stressful deadlines looming at work. He’s gotten up to help tend to baby from the early days of her life so that I could get some much needed sleep. He even left work early once because I was a weepy new mom, crying my eyes out on the front step, totally unable to just get it together.

So – to the point that Rebeldad made in the On Balance blog, father’s have got to be involved and play a role. They need to be counted on during a childcare crisis, which really does rock the center of your universe and throw obscene amounts of stress into your life, and they need to be a voice for the importance of paid paternity leave and flexible hours for working parents in their offices. This is what I think, and I think we all need to push them and encourage them to do this. Otherwise how can we be capable of breathing out the anger?

What do you think?

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Husbands, Motherhood, Nanny

A Good Day

March 5, 2007

Gather round kittens, what better way to start off the week than by taking a nice walk down memory lane.

Recall the good old days of high school. Back in the day, the sorts of things that made for a great day for me were things like my parents not embarrassing me in front of my friends, my sisters not annoying me, not getting any extra assignments in school and fabulous weekend plans filled with gossip and booze in my future. Ahh, the good old days.

Then came college and the sorts of things that made for a good day, well, they didn’t change that much from high school except my parents weren’t there to embarass me and my sisters weren’t there to annoy me. I still didn’t want any extra assignments from teachers and I still had weekend plans filled with gossip, men and booze. Add in the fact that my weekends started a bit earlier than high school. And then mix in how much breakfast for dinner in the dorms would really brighten a gal’s day and I was happy!

Into my early 20s, the pieces of a good day changed a bit. Things like a promotion at work, enough money at the end of a pay period to buy some milk and cereal without counting pennies, random fun Tuesday night’s out and a few extra dimes for a fun top from the Gap, and I was happy!

As time marched on, good days continued to change. Enter in a boyfriend, enter in a future husband, enter in more money, enter in a better apartment, and good days came with surprise gifts of flowers or presents from my soon-to-be husband. Or how about a fancy meal out on the town, a random and last-minute planned trip to Miami. Ahh, life was good. This continued into the early years of my marriage. I mean, who doesn’t love flowers for no reason, or a get-away weekend somewhere warm and relaxing? Long meals with great wine? Right? A nap on the couch on Sunday after reading the papers? Ahh yes. Those are the kinds of things that make a good day, great.

And then came pregnancy. Little did I realize or fully appreciate that with pregnancy comes the last 10 months of my life where I, and everyone else around me, is focused on ME! How I feel, what I’m doing, how hard I’m working, if I had to wake up to pee one too many times that night – all these things mattered to me and my husband, my parents, antidepressants even some of my friends. It was important, I was important. I was a delicate flower carrying precious cargo. ME. I mattered and others wanted to hear all about it. What made for a good day started to change a bit, however, because gone went the fancy bottles of wine, gone went the last minute trips as I headed into my third trimester, but the nice meals out, the movies, time to shop for myself, and time to complain about how I felt and what was bothering me – all these things were still there. ME, me and me. I could obsess over myself, and you better believe, I did. I would drive to work and lament over how many times I was bothered by waking to go to the bathroom. I thought that meant I had a rough night’s sleep. HA! What a joke! I failed to realize that I could then just return to bed and lie there without having to hold my breath and pray the baby woudn’t hear and wake up. I could just lay there and do nothing. I had no idea. And believe you me, I never bothered to stop and hear the clock ticking faster and the time running out on those good old days. Mais non! The days of yore, the days of MOI.

And now, here I am, a working mom. And I’m quite sure every other working mom out there will agree – what makes a good day? What is it that we want? What is the little secret to make us all happy and peace to exist throughout the land? Forget the crap about balance. Mais non, kittens.

It’s really quite simple – sure, flowers are nice. Sure, my husband thinking to stop and get some milk on his way home without even being reminded is like adding dark chocolate sauce to the dessert. But that’s not necessary. All I need for a good day is this: for things to go as planned. For the nanny to show up on time, for the baby to be healthy, for the traffic to not add two hours to my commuting time – that’s it. I don’t need or even want anything special. I just want a drama-free day with no added surprises.

I’m pretty sure that no one warned me that my expectations would be so low by my 30s. But really – I’m fine with that. A day that goes as planned is the perfect day now.

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Husbands, Motherhood, Nanny