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Mother’s Day = Dead to me

May 11, 2007

Kittens –

I think we all know by now that Sunday is Mother’s Day. The day to celebrate Mom’s. The day to celebrate ourselves and all that we’ve given and all that we’ve sacrificed for our children, right? The day to pamper. The day to spoil. The day where breakfast begins in bed and dinner rounds out the day with a gourmet chef and smiling cherub’s looking lovingly at mom, right?

Right?

Give me a break.

The only people who fall for this are Hallmark, local restaurants and anyone who sells jewelry or department stores who advertise on TV.

You know what I say to all of them?

Bite me.

Because you know what REALLY happens on Mother’s Day? Dare I pull back the curtain and reveal the inner workings of this “day for mom?”

Here’s what happens.

A few days before Mother’s Day, the emails and calls start flying around about “what to do” and Mom inevitably gets suckered into helping plan the logistics, coordinate everyone’s schedule and find out where in the hell we can still get a reservation for lunch.

Then mom is suckered into getting the kids dressed up for this occasion, packing the bags to have the right supplies to keep the kids well occupied during this meal out where the restaurant is jam packed, service is slow-to-miserable and children get bored and difficult. Therefore mom really doesn’t eat.

Oh.

Or Relax.

Or how about this- no one really planned far enough in advance – so let’s have brunch at mom’s house.

Oh yes – I’m sure husband and children will:

Go grocery shopping

Plan menu

Clean house

Cook meal

Clean dishes

All without the involvement of mom.

Right?

Wrong.

And don’t forget, there’s also the grandmother’s on both sides to remember and to coordinate into the plans.

Or maybe there’s a graduation ceremony or two that mom gets to attend for her brother, sister, cousin, whatever – in combo with the “fun and relaxing” meal out on Sunday.

So the moral here, kittens? The moral is this: Mother’s Day is a crock.

Yes. It’s nice that there is a day to celebrate and recognize all that Mom does. But the idea of giving mom a break, letting her have a relaxing day of lounging and pampering – is fool’s talk. At least where I live.

So go forth kittens. Honor the woman that gave you life. Honor the woman that gave you your child. Honor the woman that is carrying the baby in her womb. But don’t be fooled into thinking she’s having a relaxing day that is carefree and whimsical.

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Husbands, Motherhood

Reel Talk

April 11, 2007

Before we get into our discussion for today, I first must address the latest breaking celeb news from yesterday…..”Who’s your daddy?”

That’s right, after months of torture and dragging it out, we now all know that Larry Birkhead is, in fact, Anna Nicole’s baby’s daddy. Does anyone else find themself wondering how that surfer dude is going to handle being a single father? Does he know what he’s getting himself into? Who else is going to be there to assist? I feel slightly alarmed for this child when I think about it, but we can all rest better knowing who her baby’s daddy is.

Moving on, today’s topic is movies. One of KT’s BFF’s inspired today’s posting from an email exchange we had earlier this week. I’ve glossed over the dearth of movies in my life since having had a baby but I think it’s time to address it head on.

I’ve realized the root of the problem is not, in fact, that I have a baby -and that is why I never get to the movies. The problem is with the movie TIMES.

First, let me set the stage. Darling daughter was born in the fall of 2005. During my pregnancy, the last movie I saw in the theaters was “Wedding Crashers” in about August 2005. The AC was broken in the theater, I was in the early stages of my third trimester and hotter than hell, the seats were old and really screwing up my already present lower back pain, and I thought the movie was TERRIBLE and about an hour too long. Perhaps my husband was hoping to actually hear most of the jokes during the movie, or maybe get a little heavy petting action in a dark theater – who knows. Instead, he got me griping in his ear and fidgeting the entire time. Good times.

Needless to say, we never went to a movie again for the duration of my pregnancy. And it took a few preggo massages for me to recover from the trauma of that hideous movie.

Darling daughter arrived and 2006 flew by in some kind of blur. I have seen one movie in the theaters since her birth and that was “Devil Wears Prada” last summer.

My husband, perhaps still scarred from the summer of 2005, has not seen a movie in the theaters since the fateful night we saw “Wedding Crashers.”

But upon further exploration of this topic, I’ve concluded that it’s movie theaters who are sabotaging parents with young children. Who, in their right mind, can get out the door and get to a 7pm movie when they have little ones at home? Not me, that’s for sure.

But then, who, in their right mind, can stay awake through a 9:30pm movie? I had a hard enough time with that before I had a baby, but now, there’s no way I can stay awake. Hell, I’m nestling into my bed by 9:30pm each night, I might turn into a pumpkin if I have to go sit in a dark theater at that hour.

So my question is this – what happened to the 8pm showings? Maybe they exist where you live but where I live, there is never an 8pm showing to be found. It’s like sabotage against parents. We could actually get out the door, enjoy a meal and get to an 8pm movie AND stay awake during the entire thing – if one such existed.

And then the issues becomes remembering what movies I wanted to see. So, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that getting to the theaters probably isn’t going to happen, so instead, I will rent the movie that piques my interest when it’s in theaters.

Enter mommy brain.

Three months pass, movie makes it to DVD, and by then, I’ve totally forgotten the movie, the cast, the plot, or any reason I might have wanted to see it, unless someone really hot is in it, like say, Taye Diggs. Then I can remember. But beyond that, I really can’t remember.

Even perusing the options on Netflix doesn’t really jog my memory. It’s almost like I need a notebook to jot down notes to myself about movies because otherwise, I’m like some kind of senile 90 year old that’s just arrived the country. “What’s that you say, dear? The movie with Will Smith? Ahh yes, he was very funny when he fought aliens with Tommy Lee Jones.”

Seriously.

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Celebrities, Husbands, Motherhood

National Mom’s Week – Day Two

March 20, 2007

Hello spring kittens –

Are you celebrating your life of great ease and no surprises this week? I hope that Day One went well for all of you beauties. I am happy to report that Day One of our National No Surprises Week went off without a hitch pour moi. New Nanny (NN) SHOWED UP and is just wonderful. In fact, she was the cause of a truly biblical moment for me – shall we call it a Momlical Moment. It was pure bliss.

Here’s the scene:

Camera pans to KittyTime, her darling daughter and NN in kitchen yesterday reviewing schedules, mealtime, cleaning, etc. Yours truly asked NN what she likes to eat for lunch because I would just buy it at the grocery store, and NN responded, ever so genuinely, as follows:

“That would just create more work for you and that is not my job.”

Do you hear the angels singing? Do you also see the clouds parting as rays of light came beaming into my kitchen and I felt a sense of peace rush through my body?

C’est vrai! There was someone standing in my kitchen, pointing out that her purpose in life is to NOT create more work for me. Instead, to make my life easier.

As I said, a Momlical Moment. A lenten miracle. I don’t need to breathe out the anger, I just need to revisit that scene in my head and everything feels right in the world. All the pain, anguish and suffering I went through to find this fabulous NN was worth it. The puffiness under my eyes deflated, the new and extra aging lines on my face disappeared with nary a dime spent at the spa, and young spring-chicken KittyTime strode out the front door with a smile on her face and a glimmer in her eye. It’s a true story.

Which brings moi to Day Two of our National Week celebrating ourselves: husbands. As promised during yesterday’s entry, today is the beginning of the celebration where our husbands do as they are told. Immediately after we ask them. There is a reason that there is only a day or two dedicated to this theme each year; we cannot come to expect the impossible in our lives. We must have realistic expectations.

But I got to thinking. Instead of truly believing that our husbands will dutifully fulfill their chores without us even having to remind them, think for a moment what it would feel like to have the words that passed NN’s lips yesterday, instead, pass the lips of your husband.

That’s right.

For a minute, imagine your husband very genuinely saying “Of course, beautiful and brilliant wife, I already completed that task because my job is to make your life easier and to NOT create work for you.”

Yes yes. I hear the uproarious laughter from across the land but just play along for a minute. As I said, this week is like Santa for mom’s. You have to just believe.

So for a minute, allow yourself to believe that your husband would actually say something like that AND mean it.

Now don’t you just feel better even imagining it for one minute? Even one second? Personally, I played that scene out in my mind a few times yesterday, and well, it at least made me giggle, which means I am having fun during National Mom’s Week.

And so, dear readers, tomorrow we will focus on how our beloved children are fulfilling our wishes during this week to celebrate ourselves and no surprises, and with that, in a rare moment of weakness, I will end on a sentimental note and leave you with the words of Kathryn Harrison, that I heard on NPR this morning during the Writer’s Almanac:

“We’re taught to expect unconditional love from our parents, but I think it is more the gift our children give us. It’s they who love us helplessly, no matter what or who we are.”

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Husbands, Motherhood, Nanny

National Life Goes as Planned for Mom’s Week

March 19, 2007

Gather round kittens. Today is the start of “National Life Goes as Planned for Mom’s Week.”

C’est vrai. It is a true national week, coined by MOI. If what the week means isn’t clear to you from the title, then let’s review.

I’ve taken it upon myself to coin this week so we can have one week of peace in the land. One week where no nanny’s quit, where every nanny shows up to work and on time, where all childcare goes as planned, where all babies and children are healthy, where no extra traffic makes you late for work or getting home, where nothing dramatic happens at work to cause too much extra stress and where husbands complete the tasks they are asked after just one time of asking.

C’est vrai.

Such a week is possible! And with a little power of positive thinking, clicking your ruby slippers together and repeating it enough, and maybe a little threatening of the life of your beloved mate – all your simple dreams for this one week will come true! Instead of setting aside complaining for this week, we will instead believe in the power and beauty of National Life Goes as Planned for Mom’s week.

So, let’s get started.

First – breathe out all the anger. Go ahead. Take a few deep breaths. If you cursed a few people on your way into work this morning or felt annoyed with your husband, go ahead, breathe it out. I know you can. (NOTE: I am deliberately not mentioning my flat tire or ongoing mouse infestation, that is being saved for another day).

Now – for this first Monday, we will celebrate the beauty of childcare in its purest form. That’s right, baby wakes up at a decent hour and is healthy (Note: for any newbie’s or mom’s-to-be out there, first key word is DECENT HOUR. I leave it to you to decide what that time is. Pour moi, it’s anytime after 6am), childcare provider arrives to your home (note: second key word is ARRIVES – doesn’t call in sick, isn’t late, doesn’t quit – she arrives). If you go to daycare, your beloved childcare provider in your child’s room is, in fact, at work today and not out sick or on another job interview.

Pour moi, and for those of you following my nanny drama of March 2007, my new nanny is starting today. I believe she will actually show up. I even obsessively confirmed that with her last week. SO this week, I am certain, is starting off right for me.

OK – so we are off to a good start. It’s Monday morning, there is the possibility that spring will truly arrive and actually stick around, we’ve breathed out our anger, and we have solid childcare lined up for the week. Go forth, dear kittens, and enjoy this day, this beginning of the week celebrating our lives in their simplest, least dramatic, most ideal form.

Tune in tomorrow, for we will be celebrating the husband’s completing tasks portion of the week. I know, I know. It might require more than one day, but we will try. We just might need to breathe out the anger a little more than usual and click those ruby heels together repeating “I will kill you if you don’t complete the task. DO IT. NOW,” a few more times.

In closing, this week is like Santa for Mom’s. You gotta believe in the magic to help make it all work, kittens. Just believe.

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Husbands, Motherhood, Nanny