That, dear kittens, is the censored version of what I sounded like the other day when I was super pissed off at my husband.

Curious?

I bet you are.

I’ve concluded that the American husband suffers from one shared trait. And bite me if your husband has never done this – oh- and also, I’m calling you a liar right now.

That shared trait is this: getting through life knowing that everything is just being taken care of for them. Now – don’t get me wrong – I don’t mean the big things like: salary, healthcare, loving the family, caring for us, providing, nurturing, being present. All that stuff.

I’m talking the small thing. And the cell phone generally plays a part.

Example – some evenings I am really annoyed by the time darling husband arrives home because well, I actually had NO IDEA that he was almost home. Why?

Oh, because he neglected to mention when he left, and when I call to inquire, usually the ringer is accidentally shut off or the phone is on vibrate so he has no clue I’m calling.

Meanwhile, over in reality land, I’m left wondering – how does he know I made it home? How does he know darling daughter is already fed her dinner, played sufficiently, is ready for bed and actually, would go to bed if she knew where her daddy were?

How can I get through a day not worrying about if daughter is being tended to, dinner being defrosted, and all is well? Really? Can someone sign me up for that life?

But like I said – that’s just a small example. But it’s a repeated one. We had a more exaggerated version of that very same scenario happen the other day – and again – I just can’t figure it out. I just don’t know, particularly when you are responsible for a life – how you can just “forget to call” or “not know the ringer was turned off.”

Me? I’m walking around constantly aware of what time it is, what needs to happen next, who needs to be where, and so on and so forth. The idea of just “Not knowing” where my cell phone is, let alone the fact that someone might be trying to reach me for any kind of reason, is just not something I have time to let happen. And it makes me CRAZY when he is inaccessible, no matter the reason I am trying to reach him – particularly when it impacts our daughter.

I mean – being that it’s 2007 – should I resort to carrier pigeons and smoke signals because the cell phone and even blackberry, sometimes, are useless?

As far as I’m concerned, since becoming a parent, anything can happen at anytime, and it’s just best to be accessible. So if you hear me screeching ROSDC:LXCE$LIHDSPLKIF!*Q****@$***DS !!!!

 Oh, you know why, and odds are, you’ve been there too.

During my travels, I read the International Herald Tribune on occasion and I came upon a very fascinating article about Dutch blood pressure women. The piece made the case that while French and Japanese women may never get fat, Dutch women never get depressed. And it was based on some kind of statistically sound study.

Apparently, the Dutch women seem to have it right. Not only do they get a lot of exercise because they bike everywhere (and my parents live in Holland now and have attested that this is, in fact, very much the case). They also eat right but see, there’s more to it. Sure, they can smoke weed whenever they want and prostitution’s legal. But get your mind out of the gutter.

Apparently they have a work-life balance that most of us would dream of. And add to it, they have a home-marital relationship that seems made of fairy tales and jiminy crickit.

It would seem that while most Dutch women do return back to work after having babies, about 70% of them work part-time. In fact, they scoff at women who work full-time. Indeed, they shamelessly admitted to just plain old judging those women. Why would one do that, they wonder? When they have a culture that supports and advocates working but not full-time? And by no means did the piece suggest that they are working part-time so that they can cram in racing their children to various activities during “down time.” Mais non! It just seems that work-life balance and some relaxing quiet time is the way to go when you go Dutch.

Furthermore, there’s the home life.

Apparently Dutch women are bossy and their husbands know this going into marriage. Seems that they also know that the role of a husband is to PERFORM CHORES AT HOME.

Even better -to just simply take the initiative and DO IT. In fact, apparently the men do more work around the house in Holland than the women do. And that’s been the case for centuries. They didn’t need to burn any bras to reach that point. Hell, they figured out that system long before anyone even invented the bra. All of this seemed even more relevant to me after reading yesterday’s Washington Post page A story about happiness in marriage in America and about how the role of doing household chores has increased 15% points in terms of happy marriages since 1990.

SO, in case you think I’ve been smoking a little weed and have everything confused. Let’s review.

First, today is not opposite day.

Second, it’s only 9:22am on a Monday so I most definitely have not been drinking or doing drugs. I barely even had enough coffee this morning to crank out some lies.

Third, I would never lie to you.

So – apparently Dutch women don’t get depressed because they are bossy. Because their husbands do the majority of painful work around the household and just take the initiative to do it, because they work part-time and maintain a good life balance, and because they get lots of exercise with their bikes and wooden shoes.

Oh – and sure, I guess they can just smoke some dope if they’ve had a bad day.

Anyone else thinking of going dutch with me?