Category Archives: Humor

F U Pinterest: The Annual Awards

Last week, a friend came over and while talking about the horse birthday cake she was making for her daughter’s party, these words fell from her lips “Fuck You Pinterest.”

And it was like the skies parted, the angels sang and the world shone bright. We both bust out laughing and obviously it had to be a blog topic. Surely there are others who share this same sentiment. If that is the case, today’s post is for you. When I posted a tease of this blog topic on the Wired Momma FB Page, I received a pretty enthusiastic response and some readers shared sites like “Pinterest Fail” and this hilarious Buzzfeed article on picture fails from Pinterest. Both are definitely worth your time. I probably re-read the Buzzfeed one about 4 times yesterday just to keep laughing.

Today, I bring to you my top FU pinterest awards from the following categories: home organization, home decor projects, toy organization, closet organization and what else, kid birthday cakes. If you have other topics and photo nominees, do send them in (email them to wiredmomma@me.com), this should really be a rolling awards series. We all need a good laugh. Not to mention a reminder that we aren’t alone.

For the category of Home Organization, I bring you this book shelf fail:

photo(71)

 

For the category of Home Decor Projects – ask yourself – animal slaughter or spray paint attack?

RED CHAIR

 

For the category of Toy Organization, just fail and also – just REAL:

photo(72)

For the category of closet organization, this is my sister’s – did she even try to begin with is really the question?

photo(73)

Because the category of closet or cabinet organization requires more than one image because there are so many types, I offer you this from my office, I can’t even blame my kids for it even though their crap has taken over:

photo(74)

 

And finally, the annual rite of kids birthday cakes –  how about this work of art – my Hello Kitty cake that I made last November:

HELLO KITTY

 

And finally, my sister’s son just turned one yesterday. She was actually inspired by a Pinterest polka dot cake, so she went for it:

polka not option 2

F U Pinterest.

For the most fun you ever did have, hit “Like” on the WM Facebook page – and send me your images!

 

Know A Mom? Send her this gift

I’ve been thinking a while about what I could give you for Mother’s Day. True, I did lay out very clearly for the husbands out there what they could be doing – at no expense to anyone – in my riveting Father’s Guide to Mother’s Day. So you are, indeed, welcome for that.

But what else could I give you, my dear readers, for this most farcical of holidays?

A PICTURE POST, of course. For what are we, friends, but sleep deprived, short on attention, in need of a laugh, faking it til we make it, gals? With that, I offer you a smattering of my favorite mans health images from around the vast interweb:

Remember this one from New Years? Hope you’re sticking to it:

MomsNewYearsResolutions

How about these toddlers? I think we can agree they are a national representation of all that is being a toddler and a reminder that misery does love company:

toddlersincarseats

Here are some truths about style and exercise:

skinnyjeanstoyogapants

bitchingburningcalories

And I present to you everywoman and her home life:

moms_inconvenienttime  messyhouse

And finally – seeing as how it is Mother’s Day – the inevitable happens to all of us:

mothercomesout

As for gifts, I absolutely believe you are this:

queenofeverything

Happy Mother’s Day!!! Give moi a gift and “Like” all that is fun – the Wired Momma Facebook page.

Dad or Alive Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

I am excited about today’s post for a number of reasons. First and foremost, I love people who are funny.

Two, I’m enamored with Dads who are open about fatherhood and are willing to write about it. Maybe because Mr. Wired Momma excels at many, many things but writing and being overly communicative about adjusting to life as a father, isn’t one of his things, so I find it really intriguing when another Dad offers up a confession or two.

FINAL DOA BOOK COVER PER PENGUINThree, I’m writing today about a friend and local blogger. Adrian Kulp, hilarious talent behind the widely read blog Dad or Alive, also holds the distinction of being the only DC man who can call himself a Listen To Your Mother DC cast member, and today can add published author to his resume. Adrian has a brand new book out: Dad or Alive: Confessions of an Unexpected Stay-At-Home Dad. Not only is he is living my dream of being a published author, I like him a ton – so I’m just super excited to share this interview with him and spread the word about his must-read book on fatherhood.

First about the book. Adrian’s publisher sent me his book last month. It arrived the day before I had to fly to Pittsburgh for a work trip. I was super excited to sit alone on the plane and just read and I knew from reading his hilarious blog that it was going to be a great read. Let me first say, what I didn’t expect was to be LAUGHING OUT LOUD on the plane.

When it comes to humor, there is the more normal kind of funny when reading – the one where you sorta just quietly laugh or smile – and with that, I feel the writer has succeeded; they make you feel better for just having read what they’ve written. And trust me, I respect that kind of writing because I know how hard it is to write humor.

But then there is the kind of funny where you bust out laughing. You might even be snorting. And you don’t care because it’s that funny. There were parts of Adrian’s book, which took about 2 seconds to suck me in btw, where I was likely snorting. On the very quiet plane, let’s not forget.

And while we are talking about emotional extremes, he also made me tear up. Note: I don’t love crying, so I don’t always come by that one as easily as maybe I would a giggle or a small laugh.

When the book first arrived, I admit, I chalked it up as a book for Dads. Mr. Wired Momma himself said “I think I’m going to read it” – which also intrigued me because he is a man who generally doesn’t read about parenting (it’s safe to say I’m not sure he even reads this brilliant and world renown site on parenting) – but he could tell it appealed to him. But I had the first go at it because I wanted to share it with my readers (see how you come first?).

What I didn’t expect was how genuinely fun and interesting it would be, as a mom, to read a book written strictly from a dad’s perspective. All too often, we are reading other women’s blogs or books about parenting or a pediatrician’s guide. If you are anything like me, you probably haven’t read a ton written strictly from the dad perspective. Adrian nails it – both in his honestly and his ability to recount small but important details that bring you back to that moment in your transition to parenthood.

Honestly, one of my favorite parts of the book was the chapter on the delivery of his daughter, particularly the level of detail involved in setting the scene, including his likening a doctor to Randy Jackson and coming ill-prepared without his birthing play list. He not only transported me back to that moment in my own delivery (though we had no one even remotely similar to Randy Jackson in our delivery room) but I also enjoyed rehashing those moments from a Dad’s perspective.

Look, I want to get to my actual interview with Adrian, which he rightfully noted didn’t give him a chance to be funny because I instead asked him serious (and totally nosy) questions. So let’s cut to the chase. This book is a no-brainer gift for Father’s Day. It is not just a book for “new dads” because any dad can related to what Adrian shares. It’s also a book for moms. Especially nosy ones like me, who enjoy hearing from a man’s perspective, and also for anyone who loves to laugh. The other thing about Adrian’s book is this – his life hasn’t gone as planned. Has anyone’s? It takes courage to put it all out there and share the roller coaster of emotions that come with becoming a parent for the first time, hitting career bumps, adjusting to life in a totally different way than you’d ever imagined, and being able to laugh at yourself along the way. So please, read on to hear about life as a Stay-At-Home Dad but also – let’s support this fabulous local blogger and author – and pick up his book on Amazon right here for $11. You absolutely will be glad you did.

With that, let’s hear from Adrian:

WM:  How did you pull off writing a book while being at home full-time?

ADRIAN:  This was really tricky.  It took some major sacrifices from me, and my wife.  I had almost a year to write the book, but spent the first six months ‘percolating’ about it.  The second six months were spent writing on paper towels at naptime, falling asleep on the toilet and staring at my computer screen with bloodshot eyes at 2am.

WM:  Is the fascination and intrigue with SAHD’s waning as we are seeing more and more men around during “business hours” – whether it be because they have flexible work arrangements, work from home, or are SAHDs? Or no?

ADRIAN:  I hope not, otherwise I might not sell a second book!

Truthfully, I think that while full-time stay-at-home dads are more prevalent (we’ve doubled in the last decade) these days, our numbers are relatively low.I don’t know that the fascination and/or intrigue is waning perse, even though it’s been thirty years since Mr. Mom came out.  I think we’re still struggling (as a group) to defeat the stereotype that pegs us as ‘bumbling and aloof’.  Kind of a shame.

WM:  Can you really call yourself a SAHD when you authored a book and maintain a blog?

 ADRIAN:  I don’t know what I am anymore… some kind of freak, maybe.  I’m sure that there are plenty of other parents out there that are taking care of their kids full-time and also pursuing an interest or career on the side.  I wonder how they classify themselves?

For the longest time, I was introducing myself ONLY as a stay-at-home dad, because that’s my job for ten hours a day.  It wasn’t until a few months ago when my wife interrupted me and said, “You’re not just a SAHD, you’re a writer.  You get paid to write.”

I guess the bottom line is, these days when someone asks me what I do, I have to tell them all of it.  Being a stay-at-home parent for two toddlers won’t ever get ‘glossed over’ in conversation just because it doesn’t sound glamorous or pay big bucks – it’s one of the toughest jobs I’ve ever had.

WM:  What was the adjustment like for you – transitioning to being home after such a demanding career in LA?

 ADRIAN:  I actually talk about this in my book.  I didn’t do so well.  Perhaps it’s because I’m a guy… I don’t know.  My position was eliminated unexpectedly when my daughter was only a few weeks old.  I didn’t see it coming.  My life went from 150 miles an hour to 2, in a flash.  My pride, self-esteem and self-worth were all challenged.  It took me awhile to understand the importance and value of what I was doing.  And I’d be lying if I told you that I didn’t find myself a little depressed while I was trying to figure it out.

 WM:  Do you find the balance of work at home is shared between you and your wife? Women tend to gripe that their husbands don’t do as much as they do on the home front – whether they are full-time working moms or part-time working moms or SAHMs…so I’ve often wondered how it plays out in situations where the dad is home.

ADRIAN:  Are you trying to get me divorced… or killed?  What kind of question is this?

It’s difficult to say where my job starts and stops.  I don’t get in my car and go to an office.  The whole house is my office.

Sure, I gripe.  I sometimes feel like I do the same freakin’ thing – week in, week out. I’m constantly doing laundry, dishes and picking up after people.

Do I think the balance of work at home is shared?  Yes.  Do I think it’s shared ‘equally’?  No.  But I wouldn’t expect that.  My wife works A LOT.  Is the work shared equally when we’re both home?  Yes. I do as much as I possibly can during the day, so the little time that we have together at night when I’m not writing, can be spent relaxing and hanging out together.

—————————————————

Thank you Adrian for your honesty and indulging my questions. Here’s the bottom line – Adrian’s book is an excellent, honest, hilarious and entertaining read. Please pick one up for the dads in your life. Be sure to follow Adrian on his blog Dad or Alive, or find him on Facebook. And as always, I’d love for you to hit “Like” on the old Wired Momma FB page while you’re at it.

 

Mom Confessions & that time I got defensive with a 6-year-old

Look, one of my biggest mantra’s here on WM is mommy guilt is a colossal waste of time. Oh, and it’s also really stupid and boring, but for the rare people out there who are guilty of criminal parenting offenses. Then you should rot.

But just cause I say it, doesn’t mean I always mean it.

#TrueConfession

So as we enter Holy Week (where upon I will visit Church on Sunday for the second time since Christmas #NotAGoodCatholic), it seemed now is the right time to confess my motherly sins to none other than….a bunch of other moms.

Forgive me moms, for I have sinned, and frankly I’m hoping I’m not alone. Despite my many regular failings at parenting (not reading school emails carefully enough and showing up to preschool with the only kid not wearing a costume, reading work emails while attempting to oversee homework and preschool art projects, therefore failing at all of the above,  forgetting to ask if there is any Sunday School homework until 10 seconds before walking out the door, my list of stupid and unmentionable offenses should bore all of you, as yours should bore us),  but for the below list.

The below list has one unique shared trait: each of these items mark the offenses that have stayed with me over time. These are the ones where I genuinely actually felt really horrible about and sometimes they come back to me, like a bad flash back memory, sorta like thinking about 80s bangs:

But worse.

These are the ones that force me to repeat my own mantra that mommy guilt is stupid, to shed the skin of these wrong-doings.

After I make my confession, the PR person in me has decided that what needs to be done is a little re-branding. Instead of viewing each one as a failing, let’s instead focus on the good that came out of each little lesson. Shall we? Let’s play along, it should be a fun little exercise. One that I’m calling “You’ve been #Mom’d”

Mom Sin #1: The Late Child Pick Up

Ahh…..that time you totally underestimate just how much you can get done in a short period of time and suddenly you find yourself leaving one destination at the time you are supposed to be at the other destination. En route, you drive in a less than ideal fashion and probably break a few road rules because all you can picture is your lonely child standing there all alone, wondering if she’s been forgotten. Look, “‘late” is my middle name, but when you’re like 15 minutes late picking up a child from an activity – that’s just bad. The incident in question here happened in the fall. I had a friend in town and we decided that after dropping off my eldest at sunday school, we’d hop on over to Michaels to get some important crafts for said child’s 3-D shoe box project. It would be the most perfect use of our time.

Cue the fabulous Halloween decor and fun crafting supplies dazzling our creative hearts and well, suddenly I realized we were in line to purchase these items at the exact time we were supposed to be picking her up. Naturally we got stuck behind a few Sunday drivers on the road. As we screeched around the corner, we could see my kid was the only lone sad kid standing out front with just the Priest for about 15 minutes.

#Maybe20

She waited until she got in the car to start sobbing. I was so proud of her for keeping on her brave face and remaining composed.

But I was late for her own benefit? We were shopping for her project???

Umm…..well……

Look, I actually do think it’s character building for a child to know that sometimes, guess what, they have to wait. And sometimes, guess what, mommy totally screws up. Oh, and sometimes, the world doesn’t revolve around them and well, a parent is late.  Seriously, as a seasoned late picker upper, I really do believe this.

But it’s still hard to get that image of the solo sad kid standing there all alone feeling abandoned – out of your head – no matter how steely your resolve is against mommy guilt.

Then there’s the matter of a kid’s ability to take a walk down memory lane, that lane filled with all your past failings.

Enter “You’ve Been Mom’d”.

We might have been late to pick her up, but the end result of the project was fantastic, yes?

“Mom, remember that time you were so late picking me up and all the other moms and dads got their kid and I was left alone, wondering if you’d forgotten me.”

Reply: “Honey, remember that time we had all those amazing crafting supplies for your extra credit project, wasn’t that fun?”

Kid: “Oh, remember how awesome octopus was?”

#You’veBeenMom’d

 Mom Sin #2: The Child Sleeping in the car

Most preschoolers I know fall asleep in the car. Usually about 5 minutes from home. This is like the unexpected gift for any parent – we all know they still need to nap but most of them fight you tooth and nail over it – much like their chronic need to never have to go potty.

After our move last summer, our drive from preschool to home became longer and well, created an opportunity for a post-school nap. The issue of transitioning her from the car seat to the house became the tricky part because sometimes she would stay asleep and sometimes wake up, and well, everyone wins if they stay asleep.

So, well, on days with okay weather – read in the 50s – sometimes I’d leave her snoozing in her car seat, in the car, for a few minutes while I’d run inside to do a few things. Look, I worked for the auto industry for a long time. I know all about leaving kids unattended in a car – trust me – I know all about it. But it doesn’t mean that I haven’t left my kid for a few minutes in the back seat of our car in the driveway when it wasn’t hot or cold outside. For a few minutes.  She wasn’t forgotten. It was always a deliberate run in to pee and clear off the sofa so she could  nap, etc.

Photo Credit: I found this pic over at HonestToddler.com

Inevitably the day came when she woke up. Probably as soon as I slipped into the house. And when I returned to the car a few minutes later, she was beyond the crying part. She was at the crying with no noise part. Enter a parent’s ability to only think about all the scary thoughts that must have been running through her head. It’s like being knifed in the chest.

Now to our little Mom’d session here.

Naturally, any self-respecting four-year old excels at remembering really bad things instead of the 1,342,043 amazing things you’ve already done for them in their lifetime. Usually in front of lots of other people.

“Mommy, remember that time you left me alone in the car and I was so scared and crying.”

“Honey, remember the yummy lollipop we had that day with so many cuddle hugs”

“Mommy, can I have a lollipop right now?”

#Mom’d

 Mom Sin #3: Getting Defensive With a 6-year-old

Note: this one I actually don’t feel guilty about. I just know I should have been better than this. One day in February, I took  my two girls and one of their friends on a really special outing. As we were heading down the stairs, I over-heard the friend say “I’m so glad your mom didn’t make cookies this time. The last time she did, I got a horrible stomach virus and threw up for two days.”

UMM….EXCUSE ME?!?!?!?

Background – the last time she was over was right before Christmas and we’d made cookies and cut them into fun shapes together. Shortly after, she started complaining of a stomach ache and ended up having some version of the norovirus for a few days. Let’s be clear – it wasn’t my cookies.

#Them’sFightingWords

But CLEARLY not only did this kid think my cookies made her sick but so did her mother – because this was a very bold, confident and obviously much discussed sentence.

I couldn’t bite my tongue and said “Oh, umm, you didn’t get sick from my cookies. You had some kind of virus. If you’d gotten sick from my cookies, we all would have gotten sick from them.”

What was I doing? Why was I being defensive with a 6-year-old?

I knew it was completely ridiculous as I heard the words coming out of my mouth yet I couldn’t help myself.

#I’mAnIdiot

Now I need to work on not getting mouthy with them as they become pre-teens and teens, obviously.

Next time you’re feeling guilty, I’d recommend You’ve Been #Mom’d…we’re always one step ahead, ladies.

#Right?

Be sure to “Like” the Wired Momma FB page, where I will be accepting your Mom Confessions or better yet, your own brilliant examples of #Mom’d. WE all need a few more to have at the ready.