Happy Tuesday kittens. I hope you all enjoyed a long weekend with your young ones. Mine tromped around the beach in her adorable new swimsuit and sun hat. To my surprise, she actually only ate sand when it was coated in watermelon – by her own doing.

Almost like a coconut glaze over a shrimp. She carefully would coat each side of the watermelon piece and then happily eat it. I was OK with that seeing as how I was actually envisioning fist-fulls of sand going into her little mouth. I’ve seen the mud beard from the spring. I know what she is capable of.

But she is older and wiser now. She’s much more worldly now than she was in say March – or maybe she’s finally past the oral phase?

Speaking of oral – somehow that word conjures up images of Hohan or Paris in my mind. And you?

Anyhoo….speaking of my daughter and celebrities, I was a little alarmed when I read the piece on tweens and celeb gossip in Sunday’s NYT Style section. Did you read it?

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/05/29/health/29baby.html?pagewanted=1&8dpc&_r=1&adxnnl=0&adxnnlx=1180445022-x2pF5m79y5yRoxgv90DzeQ

It made me realize there is a whole additional realm of example setting behavior that I am responsible for, that I never thought of until Sunday.

Curbing my appetite for celeb gossip?

GASP.

C’est vrai?

As parents, we all have standards we need to uphold in front of our children. There are the obvious: watching your words carefully (anyone picturing Vince Vaughn in “Old School” right now – “Earmuffs!”), treating others with respect, saying “please” and “thank you,” the list goes on and on.

I was prepared for all of this.

I’ve been working on cleaning up my mouth for months now, sort of, in preparation for speaking like a Catholic nun in front of darling daughter. And the time has come. The other morning my husband said “Oh no!” and two seconds later, out of the mouth of our young babe came “Oh no!”

Except it sounded way cuter when she said it.

But back to the point – celeb gossip. Do I need to curtail my voracious appetite for celeb gossip as my daughter gets older?

The Sunday Styles section discusses how today’s tweens, as early as second grade, are well aware of what the celebrit’ho’s are up too in Hollywood. And they are even passing judgment on them.

Fortunately for parents everywhere, at least the tweens interviewed in the piece, were busily judging the celeb’s for the right reasons. Even more sophisticated reasons than moi.

I don’t know about you, but when Brit shaved her head, I wasn’t wondering why she didn’t give her hair for cancer patients, like the sweet girl interviewed in the piece wondered.

Hell, I was too busy laughing at what a freaking idiot she is and thinking about how much fun this was for the rest of us.

Whoops…my bad.

OK – so my morals and judgment need a little cleaning up along with my mouth. But seriously – this had never occurred to me.

I will need to curb my gossip rag purchasing and discussions while at home. Sure, my darling daughter will hear it other places and will learn all about it at school. But at home, does she really need to know that mommy will drop everything to get onto tmz.com and learn what the latest celeb gaffe is?

And then obsessively email her friends about it?

Is this something she really needs to know about moi?

I’m thinking  – not so much.

Nothing like the NYT Style section giving me an invaluable tip on parenting, right?

Dear fans of KT know that I recently applied for a job to be the next Queen of England. Shockingly, my beloved Prince William has yet to respond to my somewhat forward and presumptuous application.

I know. I know. You are all devastated. I would make such a great Queen.

But see, KT doesn’t dwell on things. She moves on. And so today, I am applying for another job. This one isn’t quite as high profile as being Queen, but it will suffice.

It sill would include a makeup and hair stylist. Surely a publicist. And most definitely gobs of loyal fans. Something I could get used too. And fast.

So – you are wondering – KT – what is it?

It is this: Jenny Garner is shopping around a new show, kind of like “The View” but for mom’s.

According to People, Jenny Garner would be the Barbara Walters of the show:

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20038918,00.html

So today, I am writing to you, dear friend Jenny Garner. This is my application to be on your show.

First of all, I’ve considered you my celeb mom kindred spirit. We had our daughters around the same time. And frankly, you seem normal and nice. I like that you are photographed having fun at the park with your daughter.

I go to the park with my daughter too. And I smile and look pretty too. Except there are no paparazzi there trailing me around. But I’d look cute like you too. And my sweet daughter, well, she’s pretty good looking, so she’d look great in the pics too.

But see – you don’t need a twinkie on the show. You need someone different from you. And while some say my body is like yours, we are still different.

See, I am Rosie to your Barbara Walters.

But I’m good looking Rosie.

I can easily offend Republicans.

I thrive off stirring the pot.

I have lots of opinions that I LOVE to share and would love even more to be PAID to share them.

And I’m funny. And if you pick some mousy demure Republican mom to be on the show, I’ll pick on her. Mercilessly. The fans will love it.

Oh, and did I mention I’m also a mom. I’m a real mom. Not that you’re not. But see, we’re different kinds of mom’s because well, we have different kinds of money and accessibility to things.

So while you are off putting together your show, know that you’ve got a perfect co-hostess right here in DC, waiting for your call, to help spruce up your ratings. I can hurl insults at Trump, I can  mock his hair. I will even find a new shtick. Hell, with the Presidential election season quickly coming upon us, there are endless opportunities to insult old white men.

Jenny G – I’m your gal.

I’ll have my people contact your people.