Ripped from the Headlines

Pop quiz today, dear readers. So get out your pens and don’t cheat.  But if you do, be sure to snitch on someone else. I like whistle-blowers, it keeps things interesting.

Today’s pop quiz is dedicated to those who aren’t yet changing poopy diapers and trolling their hallways every 2 hours all night long, rocking a baby in their arms, whispering “shh” “shh” in miserable attempts to calm the little fussy sweet babe.

Yours truly is ripping from the headlines some things to NOT do as a new parent. Let’s test your celeb knowledge and see how many answers you can get right. There is no answer key, of course, your own knowledge and google are always your best friends.

1. When driving somewhere with your baby, do you keep the baby on your lap, behind the steering wheel? That seems particularly safe for the baby, doesn’t it?  

2. When feeling particularly enraged and bitter, do you leave your tween a nasty message calling them a fat pig and threatening to whip them into shape the next time you see them? Experts would surely consider this positive reinforcement and self-esteem building behavior.

3. After birthing a baby, do you begin to drink and party heavily for the first year of its life? Perhaps this is the new mechanism for surviving those sleepless nights and colicky cries? Ending in rehab is always good for the mommy-baby bonding experience.  

4. After having your own child, do you declare that infants are really just blobs and jet off to another under developed country, leaving your own flesh and blood behind, to instead adopt another more interesting and worldly toddler?

5. After parading your wife’s pregnancy around like a bizarre trophy winner proving that you are not, in fact, gay, do you then hide your newborn for months, generating rumors and conspiracy theories that the pregnancy never really happened to begin with, to then dramatically rollout the first photos of the Asian looking baby for all the world to see? Along the way don’t forget to insult new mommies and make a mockery of post-partum depression. That is sure to win you some friends that you’ll need once that fake baby is birthed.

In conclusion, what we’ve learned from some of our highest paid “role models” is this: car seats are for wussies and you don’t want no wussy baby, drinking heavily helps build relationships, insults build self-esteem, babies are boring blobs and men should definitely be mocking the existence of post-partum depression, after all the time they are spending on the delivery table pushing that baby out, they are definitely experts.