Dear Prince William…or shall I call you future King:
It has come to my attention that there is a position open in your kingdom. While I was saddened to see the press coverage over the weekend that you dumped your pretty girlfriend, I must admit, I know someone else who would make a fabulous queen.
MOI!
That is right. I got to thinking that I should apply to be your future queen. I am quite sure I meet all the right criterion. Allow me to begin.
1. I am very pretty and would make for a luminous princess and elegant queen.
2. I have a proven track record of fertility and could provide future princesses and princes to the kingdom.
3. I am very well spoken, media trained, and can certainly handle the media deluge on a daily basis with dignity and composure. Moi? I never lose my cool. C’est vrai.
4. I have a great sense of style and with the correct budget (read: limitless), I could certainly wear a fabulous outfit for every occasion and I love accessories, so I have no trouble wearing hats, even if it’s kind of 1850ish.
5. I have a great fake posh British accent and am willing to be addressed “M’Lady.”
6. I will never write a tell-all book when you divorce me, nor will I spread lies and rumors about the Queen amongst the hungry British press. I also will never speak of Prince Harry’s bad habits and obvious drinking problem.
7. I like tea and I love clotted cream on my crumpets, so I could really get used to that tradition as part of each afternoon.
8. I have an Irish Passport, so I could help mend fences from the age old struggle between England and Ireland. Perhaps my daughter could be princess of Ireland? She has red hair. Surely that’s enough.
9. I like attention and love to ski and vacation, so I promise to smile and show my pearly whites for every vacation photo-op, even if drab Prince Charles is there.
10. I can be very bossy and will happily let the people know that I am their queen, and have no problems with threatening to off heads or let them eat cake.
Have your people call my people if you’d like to discuss further. I am most definitely the most qualified candidate.
11. I have a talented video editor for a sister, who would surely edit all footage to make us look glamorous, demure, humble, and is happy to steal you away from me.
12. Prior experience includes Prom Queen!
Me thinks Dear KT that you would have to take a number..
But it would be good to have of the the people of the land on the throne again…
Is é do mhac do mhac go bpósann sé ach is í d’iníon go bhfaighidh tú bás.