The old pregnancy horomones

There are so many glowing preggo’s around me – I swear, new babies are due to arrive in my circle of friends every month from September through February. Everywhere I go, there’s a beloved preggo.

And while we’ve chatted about preggo’s many times here on KT, I think it’s time to share some of the fun stuff that has nothing to do with alarming bodily fluids or growing nipple sizes.

What I LOVE to hear about is the whacky pregnancy horomones and the things you do as a preggo. The random inexplicible tears on the husband, lashing out at strangers who ask you how much weight you’ve gained, the crazy eating. All of this stuff. I LOVE IT. It’s so fun to hear about because it’s like each one of us is partly taken over by some other force and we do things as a preggo that we just might not have otherwise done.

Either that or we let our true selves out a little bit more because who, in their right mind, is going to challenge a preggo?

Well, I can think of one. So here are some of my favorite pregnancy stories and I’d love to hear more. These things seriously make my day.

For the purposes of full disclosure, I will admit that I took on an old man with a cane when I was nearing the end of my pregnancy. And you better believe, I won.

What were the circumstances, you ask? Well, darling husband and I decided to join Costco. So it turns out you have to wait in line to get your picture taken and join. The line was about 20 minutes long and if you’ve ever been to the end of your third trimester, you know that lines and preggo’s go together about as well as Hilary and Monica Lewinsky.

So, we were the next in line and what happened? Some old man with a cane walked up in front of me – like he shouldn’t have to wait in line because he was old and needed a cane.

Well, he picked the wrong person to cut in front of and I just might have said something like “you might be old, but I’m pregnant, so get to the back of the line.”

Yes, it’s possible I did that, much to the extreme mortification of my husband. But the best part was the woman behind the counter was equally enraged and was like “Oh, I know you didn’t just cut in front of the pregnant lady.”

And back to the line he went. I still don’t feel bad, actually, though I might when I’m 90 and need a cane.

Another fav preggo story is not mine but I was there. Many summers ago, I lived with two friends for a few months and my girlfriend was pregnant. She has a great sense of humor and we could laugh at her silly pregnant habits pretty openly. One day she and I were driving back from the grocery store, she was driving, and we were heading to her house, meanwhile she drove right past her house because she was so preoccupied with digging all the candy out of the bottom of her bag that she could get her grubby hands on.

We laughed and laughed and laughed as I tried to gently point out that we just passed her street.

Then there’s the old preggo at a wedding story. Indeed – this was a sight to behold. So there we were, my group of BFFs in DC, at a friend’s beautiful wedding ceremony in Richmond a few years ago. One dear friend was three months along, the first in the group to get pregnant. She was gorgeous, all dressed up, decked out in Jimmy Choo’s and had a beautiful Kate Spade bag to go with her whole outfit. As the evening wore on, I glanced over at her only to note her Kate Spade bag open and what were the contents of such a classy bag?

Why, none other than some trusty TUMS and a bag of M&Ms…..surely there had to be some Chanel lip gloss and a little mirror in there as well? But that didn’t matter, the rest of us were falling out of our chairs laughing (while still making eyes at the bride’s unbelieveably hot cousin that she failed to mention, preggo included). Meow.

And if you live within 10 miles of  a Buy Buy Baby, I bet you don’t know a preggo that hasn’t broken down in tears, at least once, in Buy Buy Baby, including yourself.

As for inappropriate comments – I think the biggest preggo complaint is the ongoing public commentary on how much weight you’ve gained. I don’t know a preggo, including myself, who really didn’t get fired up about that on a fairly regular basis. I don’t really know why people feel compelled to comment on your growing size but they do. Including strangers. And obviously it gets worse in the final weeks of your pregnancy where you visibly get larger by day’s end..and if you’re anything like me, gain 5 pounds in one week.

My husband equipped me with the best one liner to use, which I never did, but it made me laugh and alleviated some anger, along the way. His advice was, in response to the old “Wow, you’re so much bigger than the last time I saw you!” was to say
“Yes, I was thinking the same thing about you.”

For real. Just imagining the look on the person’s face if I retorted like that made me feel better.

I also really wish I’d made up a shirt that read “Just because I’m pregnant, doesn’t mean I’m nice” and “Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean I give a shit about your kid.” (that was directed to strangers, obviously, not friends’ children. Like a person on a plane. I don’t give a rip about your kid.)

Right?

Right.

So kittens, I’d love to hear some of the crazy things you did as a preggo or any witty retorts you might have had about your ever-increasing body size.  The sad reality is that if you’re pregnant, somehow you become fodder for public commentary, like it or not. Maybe we should ban together to help abolish it like I believe we should ban together to abolish all nonsense talk about mommy guilt?