No Return Policy

In the spirit of welcoming new babies into this world, I decided to blog on something unspoken today.

What is that, you wonder?

The real reason why Paris Hilton was released from Prison?

The logic behind lighting up a cig as soon as you exit the gym, HoHan style?

Whether or not Nicole Ritchie is preggo?

Mais non!

Not today!

In the spirit of KT’s BFF’s both having, and now, bringing home their brand new beautiful babies, I am going to pull back the curtain on the truth behind…..drumroll….the FIRST NIGHT HOME WITH BABY.

First, let me caution you all. There is, in fact, NO RETURN POLICY for babies.

And that, dear kittens, is what you will find yourself wondering between midnight-4am on your first night home. You will likely be crying.

Your husband will be pacing the hallways.

OH -and your beloved bundle of joy?

Yeah…not so happy.

Why is baby so difficult that first night? Why so restless? Why so fussy? WHY WON’T SHE SLEEP!

You will find yourself wondering.

And remember, there is no receipt that came with this baby, except that hefty hospital bill and a birth certificate proving this baby is all yours. There is no return policy.

C’est vrai.

One of KT’s dear friends spoke in hushed tones of her first night home from hospital with baby. It was awful. Baby was inconsolable, mommy exhausted, everyone except baby wants to sleep. She wondered if she could return baby to hospital.

Afterall, in the hospital, baby didn’t act like this! Baby was so good! Baby slept perfectly.

Mais non, kittens.

In the hospital, you have a team of nurses that are doing all the work. You just don’t realize it because you’re tired.

For me, the first night home from the hospital actually wasn’t bad. And I remember feeling so relieved that next morning.

We only had to get up TWICE!

And she went right back down easily each time.

HA HA! Surely we were in the clear! Surely I birthed world’s most SUPERIOR BABY! One who doesn’t wake up undesirable amounts of time and ALWAYS goes back to bed, IMMEDIATELY upon filling her tummy.

Right? I am superior, therefore I birth only superior offspring.  

WRONG.

Remember – number one rule of fight pharmacy club – whenever you think it won’t happen to you. It will. And soon. And worse than you think. KT is not dramatic when speaking about newborns.

And so. Night two was HORRENDOUS for me. I looked for that receipt. I wondered what the return policy was. I had every book printed and sold out on the coffee table, desperately looking for an answer.

I called my mother at 6 in the morning (thanksgiving morning of 2005, I will never forget it). I was crying my eyes out. I didn’t know how to make it stop. How do I make the crying stop? How do we get her back to sleep? When can we sleep? Just make it stop.

Ahh..kittens…..if this hasn’t happened to you because you are pregnant or childless, it will happen to you should you have children. You’ve been warned. I had been warned, I just didn’t heed the warning because it didn’t happen to me on the first night home. I thought I got off scott free.

No one gets off scott free. And if you said you did, then you’re lying. And if you claim you’re not lying, some sleep deprived parent is going to come over and kick your ass.

And you deserve it.

And so, dear kittens, I leave you with this: there is no return policy for your baby. Part of the problem is that as a brand new parent, you don’t know what you are doing, and so, you are being trained by your child. The roles have reversed.

But it gets better. Trust me, it really really really gets better. And while KT is happy to help out any new mom, don’t call me in the middle of the night. I’ve been there, done that, but would love to discuss ideas for attacking the next night, oh, after I’ve luxuriated over morning coffee the next morning. Heh heh.

Go forth new momma’s – and love that baby. It all goes by so fast and in a blur. And just know that you are not alone when you find yourself wondering about that return policy…..