The Buck Naked Roaming Ninja

Can someone please add “Buck Naked Roaming Ninja Child” to the list of things no one warns you about before you have mobile children? Cause right now, that one is going to top the list in my house, winning the prize as most unexpected…and most hilarious…and also most annoying. This label didn’t just emerge over night, however, so let’s start at the beginning.

My youngest has devoted herself to defying the odds and surprising me with her physical stunts from a very early age. She started walking just after her 10 month birthday and within days, opted for scaling fences. Fast forward to stronger motor skills in the 2s and why wait for mommy to score a snack, why not just quickly scale the counter top when mommy walks away?

So eventually it became ridiculous that we were still imprisoning her in a crib, which she obviously would just climb out of wheneve she wanted too, and we moved her into a regular bed about 6 weeks ago. Everything was fine at first. Then maybe the total freedom and liberation that comes with a bed finally registered in her little ninja brain but she’s adopted some unsavory habits. Her morning wake time has shifted backwards, much to my chagrin, to more like a 5:20am-ish timeframe. My oldest woke at that time for years – like probably well over 4 years – and even now we have to strong arm her into staying in her room until 6:30am. She can often be found in our room asking why it’s “taking so long to get to 6:30” as we unpeel each eyelid and wonder who we tortured in a past life.

Since the early-wake times have started with the youngest, our days can begin in one of two ways: Jarring and Punishment or Creepy and Stalker. With Jarring and Punishment she deploys this technique: With her ninja like skills she creeps down the stairs unheard despite the old hardwood floors, flips on the overhead light, loudly declares “WAKE UP  NOW” and then starts  yanking our covers off the bed.

It’s so pleasant.

When opting for Creepy and Stalker technique, again her stealth ability to soundlessly navigate through the house, gives me no warning as I emerge from the bathroom ready to head to the gym, only to discover a shadowy creature lurking in the doorframe of my bedroom, making no sound, as if she is stalking her prey. Let me tell you, before coffee and fresh air, even a petite 3 foot creature unexpectedly waiting for you in shadows can scare the crap out of you.

Eventually, beaten down and exhausted, I resorted to purchasing one of these “Tot Clocks” based on the recommendations from some friends and WM readers on the super awesome, totally amazing if you are missing it, Wired Momma Facebook page. By the time I purchased the Tot Clock, money was no object. I was willing to pay anything if it could stop the madness. Tot Clock arrived on Friday and we activated it before bedtime, mercilessly repeating to her that if she wakes and sees the bunny still sleeping, it means she needs to go back to sleep, and we optimistically set it for 6:30am before the bunny could switch over to awake time. True, it has been only 4 days, so it is too soon for me to declare #failure because the sleeping bunny in no way is luring her back to sleep yet. But a change has occured.

Dear bunny...can you try a little harder to get her back to sleep?

Instead of employing one of her cruel techniques to immediately wake us up once she’s awake, she instead roams the house like a night stalker. Usually buck naked. Often in search for her beloved and filthy pirate shirt that’s been worn for 4-5 consecutive days. One morning we found her quietly sitting in the living room reading Halloween books. It’s anyone’s guess how long she’d been sitting there.

Could any of us have imagined how strange children are before we had them? Anyone care to bet whether my little ninja returns to sleeping to at least 6:30AM before thorn-in-my-side-why-do-we-still-have-to-do-this DAYLIGHT SAVINGS arrives?