The Grass is Always Greener

Happy Monday, spring kittens. Hopefully wherever you are it’s as sunny and warm as where I am sitting. Too bad I’m sitting behind my desk at work.

Which is today’s topic today, darlings. Work.

I know we’ve addressed this issue many-a-time here on KT but it’s just something that I still haven’t been able to get past. Every day, every week, I think about my work schedule. I think about whether I really want to work. I think about if, given the financial ability, I could quit and stay home full-time – would I really want to do it?

I mean, I can talk a big game when I know it’s not a reality, but if it were really a reality, would I really want to be home full-time?

So then I think about how much I would like to work part-time. How much I want to be home two days a week. I think about how much, by Friday, I miss my baby. How I feel dis-connected from her because it’s been so many days in a row where I’ve only seen her but for an hour or two a day.

And then I worry that she feels dis-connected from me and that she feels more attached to our nanny. By Friday morning, I’m super sensitive to how she responds when our nanny arrives and if she seems more excited and animated to see her, than she was before she arrived and she was just alone with me.

And I drive off to work and think about when or if I’ll ever be able to quit, or work part-time.

I am consumed. I think it’s normal. But who knows. Of my friends with kids, most work part-time or at least from home two days a week. And I am green with envy.

Last week, one dear friend pointed out the other side of that reality – she works part time, but in turn, her husband works long hours all week and the weekend – which is what gives her the financial freedom to take that pay cut. She wondered what I would prefer, seeing my husband or my baby.

I thought about it all weekend.

Naturally I want both. Who doesn’t.

So really – I’m left thinking that the grass is always greener.

With more financial freedom to be flexible in your hours, it could mean you don’t see your husband. Or, with working part-time, it could mean you are mommy track’d and not really given the best projects.

Now, you might not care, but you might.

I honestly don’t know what my answer is to her question – whether I’d take much less time with my husband for more time with my baby. My initial reaction is – for a time – yes, because my husband doesn’t need me in the ways my baby does. But my baby does need us to have a happy marriage in a happy home. And I don’t know what kind of constraints it would put on our relationship if I didn’t see him very much. I honestly have no idea.

So through all of this – I have no conclusions. I leave work a bit early every day. I come in a bit late, all of this to maximize what little time I have with my daughter during the week. Every time I feel so sad and feel disconnected from her, I remind myself that nothing is permanent anymore, and some day, I will probably not work full-time.

And I just sorta keep going. Everything really is more complicated when you have a baby. I’m not sure when this reality will stop surprising me.