Wired Momma

I have a general rule of thumb for myself with the blog. When I realize that I’ve been thinking about something for more than a few days, I conclude it is blogging material.

I mean – if I’m chewing on something for so long and it’s keeping my attention – then surely you will too, right? Right.

So here goes.

A few weeks ago, my nanny mentioned that her friend, who is also a nanny, was in trouble with her employer. Let’s call her Nanny X. She watches Baby J during the day.

Seems that Baby J has taken to referring to the Nanny as Mommy X. That’s right, calling the nanny “Mommy” followed by the Nanny’s name. Now I don’t know about you but that would set me OFF if I caught my daughter referring to our nanny as “Mommy X.”

I mean – it’s tough enough to leave the house on the mornings where it feels like she likes the nanny more than me – but that would put me over the deep end.

A friend of mine once joked that we all needed to back away from our HR Offices one morning – a few of us were having trouble juggling motherhood and working and were probably threatening to quit……and I can say with certainty that I would need to be told to back away from my HR dept if I heard my daughter referring to our Nanny as “Mommy X.”

Wouldn’t you?

So, my nanny and I discussed this situation. She went on to point out that her friend doesn’t tell the boy to call her Mommy X. In fact, apparently the nanny corrects him and reminds him just of her name when he does so, but he is just over 2 and well, he says what he wants.

Or how he feels, according to my nanny.

She then went on to just say that the nanny spends more time with Baby J than anyone else and like in other situations she has seen, Baby J has gotten so attached to the nanny that it feels natural for the child to refer to her as Mommy X.

See, KT over here, I’m not buying a ticket on that bus. I’m not replaceable, I am the only Mommy and I’m the one that brought the child into the world, nurses her to health at 3am and provides for her at every turn. I am the mommy and am not sharing that title with ANYONE.

I’m pretty sure the mother of this little boy felt the same way because this Nanny was in the DOG HOUSE.

I pushed my nanny on it a bit more, asking her if it would bother her if her kids referred to someone else as “Mommy,” to which she replied “No.”

Again, surprised. Was she just more comfortable in her role as a mother than me? Was she just more confident than me? I wondered.

So off I went, for a few days, and thought about it. I thought about how many hours my daughter spends with the nanny, I thought about how many hours she spends with me, I might have been spotted loitering outside the HR department of my office a few times, just sort of lurking in the shadows cast off by the cubicles.

But I also thought about something my nanny said and something my friends and I have said, mainly in regards to our in-laws.

First what KT’s friends say. We believe “you get what you give” – you give a lot, you get a lot. You don’t give much, well then, you don’t get much.

The nanny’s believe that as well because they also work in households where the parents just aren’t around as much, where the nanny is tending to the child from early morning until bed time. They might even be the one that is there when the child is sick. So for them, to be called “mommy” is just a natural extension of what they are doing. They don’t encourage it but they can see why it’s happening.

A few more days passed and then I went to a birthday party…..and noticed that there were NANNIES present at the birthday party.

Which was held on a Saturday.

Naturally I was busily judging those mothers and wondering why in the hell they needed to drag their nanny out on a Saturday to attend a child’s birthday party with them? I mean – for real?

That following Monday, I made a comment in passing to my Nanny about this and she looked at me, smiled, and said “Now you know why the little boy calls my friend Mommy.”

For once, I was pretty much speechless. Because – is she right?

I mean, you get what you give. Don’t you?

Like Romeo and Juliet, the end of the affair with the nanny can be quite dramatic. KT believes there are three ways this often complicated and dramatic relationship between mommy and nanny can end. There’s the “blindsided”  ending, the “long slow goodbye” and the “diplomatic treaty.” From KT’s perspective, few end the diplomatic route but I try to be positive every now and again. So let’s begin. Those of you who have been in the ring know how each of these end.

First, the “blindsider.” That would be the nanny that calls you out of the blue, like an unsuspecting Sunday night, and informs you that it’s not working out and then really gives you no notice. It’s over. Done. You’re left wondering if it really happened.  If you’ve been through one nanny before, you skip over  the “was it me, not her” mourning and jump right into rage. If you don’t believe me that you can be abruptly blindsided by your nanny quitting, go read Self-Made Mom. Her nanny literally quit by phone on Sunday night. After her second week of vacation.

I’ll get to the evil role of vacation later. Think of vacation as “the other woman.”

Then there’s the “long slow goodbye.” I, personally, experienced that route with my first nanny. Again, there was the vacation. In fact, this was a 6 week vacation and then she didn’t show up on her scheduled return date, only leaving me to conclude worst case scenario: she was stolen by bandits and was tied up in the jungle somewhere. Turns out she just changed her plans, never let me know, and didn’t seem to think anything of it. Meanwhile over in reality, I aged about 15 years trying to get to the bottom of the great disappearing nanny of early 2007. Then she quit about two weeks later. The truth is, all the signs were there that it was going to end, I think I just  shoved my fears into the back of my mind and she needed the time to work up the courage to end it all.

I think you’ll note two commonalities in both of these scenarios: vacation. I’ve grown to fear the dreaded vacation on the part of the nanny. Sure, if they are taking vacation when you are taking vacation, then it’s just regular vacation. But I swear, out of the blue vacation is the first major red flag that something is afoot. Where are they going? Do they have a lover in another town? Are they traveling to their homeland and ultimately spend a lot of time with their children only to return with extreme vacation brain: the reminder of why not working is good? Whatever the case may be, vacation is like infidelity. It’s just the beginning and it just gets complicated and ends in divorce.

Now about the third scenario – the “diplomatic treaty.” Again, I’ve yet to find anyone whose nanny relationship ends in an amicable agreement but I’m sure it exists – probably among the school-age set of kids, such as the youngest goes off to school and the full-time nanny is no longer needed. Seeing as how I’m just entering the mean halls of preschool, I’m not there yet and just don’t run with the older crowd. But I have to believe there is a drama free ending to some nanny relationships.

Sure, I’ve covered the role of the nanny breaking up with you, the employer,  but we all know that many parents break up with the nanny. It’s a two-way street,  this dramatic relationship we enter into.

I think that one of the worst, most stressful parts of working and parenthood is managing the relationship with your child’s caregivers and dealing with the stress of when it ends. Particularly when blindsided like  SMM on a regular summer Sunday evening.  That is just wrong.

At the end of the day, however, it always works out. There is a nanny out there for all of us, a good one, and one of KT’s older mommy mentors advised  me that each nanny just gets  better. That truism is the one thing we have to hang our hat on, especially when you start seeing the red flags that the long slow goodbye is upon you…..

By now, we’re all quite familiar with the Manny. Most would argue that white trash Britney was the first to have a manny, what with last summer’s manny heart throb, fresh from the naval academy. Who knows, perhaps he inspired Vin Diesel’s character in “The Pacifier.”

But wasn’t Tony Danza really one of the first manny’s in this country? I think we all remember his classic role in “Who’s the Boss?” And if you don’t, then you’re probably not old enough to drink and you’re definitely not old enough to be reading this blog.

Ahh yes, lovable goofy Tony Danza, here’s the beginning of his role as the manny of the house, its TV writing and comedy at its best:

 Tony: I’m Tony Micelli. I’m here about the job.
Angela: Oh, I’m sorry. There must be a mistake. This job is for a housekeeper.
Tony: That’s me, Mr. Goodmop!
Angela: Well, my mother’s screening everyone. Did you meet her?
Tony: Yeah yesterday. She gave me the once over, kicked me in the tires, put me up on the rack…
Angela: Well, she should’ve checked under your hood, ’cause you’re the wrong sex.
Tony: Oh, wait a minute; she said that wouldn’t be any problem.
Angela: My mother didn’t think World War II was a problem.

Indeed kids. We probably thought that was really funny at the time. I mean, Mr. Goodmop! What the hell does that mean?

But now, apparently manny’s are such a phenomenon that, of course, someone’s written a book titled……wait for it……

“The Manny”: http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/Story?id=3293877&page=1

Brilliant, I know.

And so, while having Mary Poppins was so 1970s, Mr. Mom was so 1980s, regular old foreign nannies is so 2000, apparently having a MANNY is so 2007.

SO I got to thinking, what might be the pros of having a manny?

Well, there’s the obvious eye candy for the pro category. I mean, one dear KT friend suggested a while ago that the very attractive Casanova young Latin intern in my office this summer might make for good manny material.

And right she is. Mamacita! He’s easy on the eyes, sweet natured, charismatic, why wouldn’t I, and my darling daughter, of course, want him around the house? And the brilliant thing is, darling husband leaves in the morning before our current female nanny arrives and well, he’s never home in the evening when she leaves. SO darling husband could go months before even knowing that pleasant older female nanny has been replaced with doe-eyed 18 year old Latin Casanova….

But then there’s the other thing to consider. See, avid KT fans (and there are thousands of you) know by now that there are days when I despise my nanny.

Why? You ask.

Because my kid likes her, of course! Why else!

But seriously – the relationship between mom and nanny is fraught with issues. Jealousy, competitiveness, contention. It ain’t an easy path to navigate all the time, after-all, this woman is spending the entire day with your beautiful cherub…and if she’s worth her salt, your beautiful cherub grows to love her too.

And every woman wonders, is there enough love in beautiful cherub’s heart for the both of you?

Of course there is – so long as she loves mommy more and never shows any inclination otherwise. Which naturally all toddlers demonstrate very clearly on a regular basis.

But now – would this be the case if you had a MANNY? Would the same mother-nanny dynamics exist as what exists between two grown women?

I don’t think so. I think it would be a very different dynamic, as sad as that is to admit.

And we all know, when mama’s happy, everyone is happy.

So – was Britney really onto something, back for one brief second when she still had a brain cell? Is the Manny the way to go?
 

I’ve concluded that the blossoming vocabulary of a young toddler is much like a double-edged sword. If you’re anything like me, you are a communicator. You love to talk. You are the gabbiest among gabby’s. Talking is your thing. You love language.

And so, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed watching as my daughter’s vocabulary expands on a daily basis. Somedays it seems she’ll add 4 new words to her repetoire before I even leave for work. Not only do I love learning which words she adds but I wonder why that particular word. Why does she say “meow” but not “cat,” for example? Is it the way the word sounds? Does she like the dramatic affect because it can’t possibly be that “meow” is easier to say than “cat.”

And so it is an adventure  in vocabulary. A windy road with many diversions and no clear path, she’s on, this route to language fluency.

But there is the other side of it. See, along the way, I wonder, when she says “happy happy happy” over and over again, is it because she’s feeling happy in that particular moment? When she repeats my sister’s name, randomly, throughout dinner, is it because she’s thinking of my sister? Or is it because that word has entered her mind for whatever reason and so she says it?

For the good things, I’d like to think that is the reason. Surely she is exlaiming “happy” over and over and over again because that is how she’s feeling and she wants me to know it!

But what about when she repeats the nanny’s name, over and over and over again, as soon as the nanny leaves for the day, and I am home?

Is it because she wants the nanny to come back and doesn’t really care that I’m home?

Because believe you me, what happens it she shakes me to my core. She calls into question everything I tell myself to be true as I leave her every day to head into the office. As I assure myself that she couldn’t possibly be more attached to anyone but me, she couldn’t love anyone more than me – she shakes that belief and truism and turns it upside down, when she repeats nanny’s name over and over and over again.

As far as I’m concerned, I don’t want her even thinking about the nanny when I’m around. And trust me, the old “oh, you should be so happy to know that she’s in such great hands when you’re gone” argument – shove it on that one. That one ain’t working as any other working momma will tell you.

And so, I love her blossoming use of language. I really do. But is there any way I can limit it so that it doesn’t throw me into an insecure tailspin?

Or worse….push me the point of wanting to fire my beloved nanny? Because we all know, I’m always teetering on the edge of that precipice.

I think at the end of the day, we all know that parenthood is nothing if not a leap of faith. And the ongoing challenge with babies and toddlers is that they can’t tell us clearly what they are thinking. It’s a non-stop guessing game and you can only do your best.

So, before I do anything dramatic like quit my job and fire the nanny, I’m going to continue creating the reality that I want to live in.

When my daughter communicates emotions through language, it’s because she’s telling me she’s happy.

When she’s repeating the nanny’s name, it’s because she’s just figured out how to say it and so she is parading around her new skill through repetition.

When she says “mommy mommy mommy” or “daddy daddy daddy” – it is specifically because she is thinking of me or looking for one of us – not because she is so proud that she knows how to say that word.

If you like my reality, you’re welcome to join me.

Hope you all had a lovely weekend. Ours was good, albeit a bit tiring. Sometimes the life and times of a busy toddler is not exactly in sync with the life and times of the tired working parents on a Saturday or Sunday morning.

But really, what I’d like to discuss today is the difficulties in striking a balance with your nanny. Because I think I’ve learned a lot over the course of the last 17 months but lord knows I still have a lot to learn.

The level headed, non-emotive person would think that the relationship with the nanny is like the relationship with the workplace. You are the employer, she is the employee. You pay her to use her skills and judgement all day long, as you are paid to use your skills and judgment all day long.

But see, I think it’s more complicated than that.

The very nature of her job is emotional whereas, let’s be honest, the very nature of my job is NOT emotional. Our nanny is paid to care for and tend to our child all day long. The end result of this is really emotional and well, a loving relationship, if the nanny is any good. I mean, what person wouldn’t fall in love with the baby they tend to five days a week?

And so – how do you strike a balance with your nanny? How do you care about her and let her know that she is a very important part of your family without getting too involved in her personal life? Because inevitably, it seems to happen.

She has a life and a family and things that happen to her outside of the work day that inevitably end up coming back to your house. They make their way in. Particularly with language barriers – I mean – why not ask someone who speaks English fluently what something means? Hell, I have a hard enough time understanding certain banking agreements, how can someone who doesn’t speak English as their first language understand them?

And so – how do you draw the line between being open and caring for your nanny but still being her employer? What do you do if she asks to borrow money? What do you do if she is very upset and having marital issues? What do you do if her in-laws don’t treat her well and they live together? Afterall, the nanny’s emotional state will also impact her day’s work.

I’m asking you, kittens. Because I struggle to strike a balance between being caring but also removed. Empathetic but not a problem solver, definitely not a bank, and most certainly not a marriage counselor (though some days I’d like to pretend I am).

Hello spring kittens -

I hope that Day Two of our self-proclaimed week to celebrate ourselves and a life with no surprises went well for you. I assure you, it went perfectly for me, because I arrived home, opened the fridge to feed darling daughter some dinner, only to discover NN had cleaned out and organized my fridge. I yelped out with glee. I jumped up, clicked my heels together and felt a wave of peace rush through me. We ought to declare weeks to celebrate ourselves more often, this one is really working out for me…..

So, now, here we are, on Day Three. For those loyal followers out there, I promised you yesterday that today we would celebrate our children and how they are helping us with no surprises this week. My darling daughter started off on a rocky path this morning, she barely woke up at a decent hour..she started gabbing around 6am. Sometimes a gal just has a lot to say. Knock wood, however, she is healthy and in good spirits today, though, so really, she’s participating fairly in our National Mom’s Week of No Surprises.

But, really, I’d be remiss to not focus on the painful piece from yesterday’s Washington Post. Just reading the headline made me want to gag, “Despite Mommy Guilt….”

Give me a freaking break, people.

Was the reporter, Donna St. George, brainwashed by some man on her way to the computer to bang out her story? Did she get so caught up in the moment of glory, having her piece on the front page of the Post, that she allowed her senses to be parked at the door, as she banged out the headline? Or did someone else bang out her headline and she didn’t even care?

Regardless, here is a link if you’d care to waste your time on the “news”:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/03/19/AR2007031901972.html

Some of you might be wondering, why am I hating? Why so negative? Doesn’t the story go on to say that women today spend more time with their kids than our mother’s generation did? Yadda yadda yadda.

Whatever. I am fired up because:

a. there is no new news in here

b. the media insists upon perpetuating the stupid idea of “mommy guilt” just as much as trying to pit Stay-At-Home Mom’s against Working Moms. Neither of these things are productive or helpful to anyone but clearly somewhere along the line, they believe it sells papers.

And so, dear readers, on this week to celebrate ourselves, I am here to remind you that KittyTime is a guilt-free zone. There is no “mommy guilt” here. There is NO NEED for it.

If you go home after a long day of work and ignore your child and insist upon fielding work phone calls and responding to blackberry messages instead of playing with  your child and talking to them while you feed them dinner, then you should feel like an asshole. Because you are. You are filling some kind of void to convince yourself that you are that important and then you thrive off the guilt. You know this is true. And if I’ve offended you, again, I don’t care.

Go home. Put the work aside, and relish your time with your kids, which- truth be told – on some level – is what the Post story says is happening. Enjoy your precious time with your little baby and cherish each moment. That is partly what this week is about – celebrating our lives – and these babies give us something to celebrate every day.

So, as part of our National Week celebrating ourselves, if you are a dear KittyTime fan, then I’m quite sure you have checked guilt aside, tell those who like to hide behind the “mommy guilt” – particularly if they claim “Oh, I am Catholic” or “Oh, I am Jewish” – it comes with the territory. WHATEVER. Is what I say. Again, no reason to buy a ticket on that bus – do what you need to do, be the best that you can be (ha ha – marines, anyone?) and cherish those babes. We are celebrating what they give us today. And we are celebrating the fact that guilt is nothing but a waste of our precious time and energy.