Wired Momma

I’ve concluded that toddlers get a bad rap. Everyone loves to talk about how “No” is a toddler’s favorite word and they toss it around with great regularity.

And seeing as how I happen to live with a toddler, I will not argue that it’s a favorite word of hers. I particularly like it when she’s saying “No” but actually means “Yes” and even knows it. But continues to say “No.”

But after an email exchange with my sister yesterday, on top of many similar such conversations since becoming a mom, I’ve concluded that it’s actually Mom’s who say “No” more than anyone. And not because of discipline.  I caution you kittens, I’m headed into the murky waters of the Childess vs. Parents debate here.

You got it. As a working Mom, I feel like I’m in a constant tug of war with my schedule. Inevitably something always comes up – a work happy hour, a friend’s BBQ, a random dinner out after work, someone’s shower. You name it, something is happening. I mean, when you’re a gal as pretty and funny as moi, surely you are in demand. Everyone wants a piece of you. But inevitably, you end up finding yourself saying “No” more than “Yes” and it ain’t easy.

For me, the reality is that my baby needs me. Everyone else, they just like being social or they want to talk about work, or whatever the case may be, but they don’t need me, per say. I know, I know, I’m totally blushing. I know that many of them WANT me. And can you blame them? But they don’t NEED me. Darling daughter, she needs me.

And when I’m crunching the numbers and facing the reality of actually only seeing her maybe 2-2.5 hours a day, five days a week, the reality is that I pretty much say “No” to everything. I like to make an occasional exception but even then, I’m moderately consumed with how much precious time I’m missing with my daughter.

We all know that becoming a mother is more than just learning how to take care of a child, it also is a path of discovery, learning about you as a Mom because you just don’t know Mom you until you are a Mom. As it is learning about how your husband is as a Father. Sometimes its fun and wonderful, sometimes it’s a little rocky. And for me, part of it is learning to have the confidence to just say “No.”

And most importantly, be OK with it, realizing that particularly if the group of friends does not have children, it’s not as easy for them to understand why I always say No. Is that patronizing? I don’t know, I certainly don’t mean for it to be, it’s just the way it is.

But along the way, friends or family members might feel slighted. And they might rightfully feel like things are a one-way street. I mean, hell, I’m happy to see anyone who wants to play any night of the week if they’re in my hood and want to swing by. I’ll toss a few back with you for as long as you want to stay (or until I fall asleep by 9:30pm).

So that’s the other side of it. I’m saying “No” constantly and then I’m adding in, but if you’ll come to me, it’ll work out great.

Is that fair?

Probably not. But it’s the way it is. Staying focused on the fact that my priority above and beyond anything else, is to my child, is no small feat. And this is just one of things I have to do. I know I’m not alone in this – I know that other Mom’s feel the same way.  And my sister, who shall remain nameless and is, in fact, childless, sweetly pointed out that for the childless out there – the reality is that if they care about you and love you – then they realize why you are the CE”NO” and why you are on a one-way road, and they are willing to bend for you because you are still important to them. Just as they are important to you, even if on your terms.

Sure, I’m sure there are plenty of parents that abuse it and plenty of people who never ever say “yes” but I guess, for me, as a working Mom, I am filled a little bit with dread each and every time I get invited somewhere during coveted darling daughter time,  I think long and hard before I bang out the email. I think about if I want to explain myself or if a simple “sorry, can’t make it” is enough, and then I just take a deep breath and hope, upon hope, that if they don’t understand now, that someday in the future if they have kids, they’ll look back and recall and just sort of get it.

So there you have it, true mom confession of the day. I say “No” more than my 21 month old and while she might like it, I actually hate it. It leaves a pit in my stomach more often than not, but it’s just the way it is.

If you can check your coat, can you check your motherhood identity? And can you get a claim check to get it back when you’re leaving? 

You got it kittens. We’re back to the ever-popular, never gets old, topic of the plight of the working mom.  The old faithful topic. It’s like old man winter. Never goes away. Always comes back. Managing work with children. Note I deliberately did not use the word “balance.” I hereby forbid the naive use of that word here on KT.

There are many routes to travel when trying to fulfill your duties as a worker and as a mom and sometimes, something’s got to give. The question is, what, and which facade do you keep up during the day? Do you wear your motherhood as a badge of honor and an integral part of your identity? Or do you discreetly check it at the door on your way in?

Some women return to work after having a child and do their best to appear like nothing’s changed (except those wider hips and thicker bellies). They try to keep up the facade that all is well, there are no crises at home with sick babies or traveling nannies. They aren’t stalking their nanny during the day when too much time has passed and no one’s home.

Nope, they are just working away behind their desks, all suited up and ready to charge forth into a late breaking meeting and get the job done.

Others believe that they should wear their badge of motherhood with pride. They believe that the office should be well aware of the fact that they have a baby at home. The demand on their time is different. Don’t get me wrong – they are still just as good of a worker – but their flexibility isn’t the same. They can’t attend a last minute work dinner on a whim anymore, for example, and this should be respected and taken into consideration. Their job as a mother is just as important as their job as the employee of this company.

I’m sure there are tons of other ways that working mom’s manage their perception in the office but these are just two. I don’t think either are as clear cut and dry as I’m laying them out but for the purposes of this blog, we’ll leave them like that.

So which route do you take and how do you think it works?

I, for one, definitely leave at 5pm on the nose, if not a little earlier whereas before child, I was easily here until 6:30 each night. I also don’t attend work happy hours and quietly opt-out of evening work functions wherever possible, whereas before child I was committed to one-two a week. But beyond that, I check my motherhood at the door. I leave it in the car. I don’t think that it’s realistic to think that anyone is going to accomodate schedules or dinners because my evening time isn’t flexible anymore.

I don’t think my boss cares about or wants to know about whatever nanny crisis I’m dealing with. And I actually think it’s going to get me further if the more she forgets I’m a mom, the better off I am. The more I can prove that I am just as good, probably better, now, than I was pre-baby, the better off things are at the end of the day: note bonus and raise time.

Now – my friend over at Self Made Mom: www.selfmademom.net has a different perspective. She believes it is important that her office appreciate and respect the fact that she is a mother. This means she cannot and should not be expected to attend a work dinner when she’s invited a few hours before it happens. That is just one example. I think she believes that by building her motherhood into her work identity, she is not only doing a service to herself and her child, but also helping pave the way for future mom’s in the workforce.

The truth is, I don’t think she’s wrong at all (and she and I are writing dueling blogs on this topic today). But that doesn’t mean I’m going to change my approach to how I manage work and family life.

I think the question is – what kind of role does corporate America play in this? And more specifically, the environment of your office? How family friendly is your workplace and how much flexibility do they encourage?

I think “family friendly” is a tricky phrase because no one’s going to say they hate kids and are against them. That’s like saying you hate kittens and Santa (though I’m pretty sure Self Made Mom hates Santa). But I think the proof is in the pudding. Actions always speak louder than words, in KT’s reality.

I work somewhere that does not support flexible schedules or consistent work-from-home. Therefore, I think that the best way I can make it through the day unscathed and still get the same kind of raise and bonus I did back when I worked longer days in the office, is to check my motherhood at the door.

At the office, I’m just worker me with a few pictures of my cute kid hanging up.

What do you do? Is there a right way to handle it?